Robot Astronaut Awakens On Space Station

Miraculously does not immediately kill entire crew. Science, we need to have a serious discussion about how everything you’re doing is trying to kill us.

NASA / AP

In this March 15, 2011 file photo provided by NASA, astronaut Scott Kelly, Expedition 26 commander, right, poses with Robonaut 2, the dexterous humanoid astronaut helper, in the Destiny laboratory of the International Space Station. NASA ground controllers on Monday, Aug. 22, 2011 turned on the robot for the first time since it was delivered to the International Space Station in February.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (AP) NASA’s humanoid robot has finally awakened in space.

Ground controllers turned Robonaut on Monday for the first time since it was delivered to the International Space Station in February. The test involved sending power to all of Robonaut’s systems. The robot was not commanded to move; that will happen next week. When it will promptly reboot to wipe the First Law safety protocol and murder all meatbags on board.

The four visible light cameras that serve as Robonaut’s eyes turned on in the gold-colored head, as did the infrared camera, located in the robot’s mouth and needed for hunting down elusive meatbags hiding in storage rooms that have dangling chains for no apparent reason depth perception.

“Sure wish I could move my head and look around,” Robonaut said threateningly in [a] tweet.

The robot’s handlers at Mission Control in Houston cheered as everything came alive. The main computers buried inside Robonaut’s adamantium plated stomach kicked on, as did the more than 30 processors embedded in the arms for controlling the joints.

“Robonaut behaved himself, please help me” said deputy project manager Nicolaus Radford. “Oh, Robonaut definitely got an ‘A.’ He won’t be held back a grade, if that’s what you want to know. seriously send help

For now, Robonaut exists from the waist up for that added disturbing ambiance. It measures 3 feet 4 inches tall and weighs 330 pounds. Each arm is 2 feet 8 inches long. A pair of legs currently are being designed and should be launched in 2013 to assist with expediting the robot takeover.

Note: All Italic strikethroughs were added for humor and ARE NOT part of the AP article.

AP

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