1. Black Canary
Fishnets on a melee fighter? Come on, guys. A woman who prefers hand-to-hand combat over utilizing her superpower needs something more substantial. Unless, is that Kevlar fishnet? No? OK then, here are some pants.
2. Hawk Girl
Have you ever been in the upper atmosphere? Despite being closer to the sun, it’s fucking cold and not a place to work on tanning your abs. Also, let’s introduce the concept of the sports bra, because proper support is the difference between clocking the bad guys and clocking yourself in the face with your own boob.
Let’s play a game. Imagine a superhero grows up in the mafia and vows revenge when, as a child, he watches his family slaughtered. This kid grows up to be a master assassin who is considered violent and unpredictable even by Batman. Imagine what you’d dress him like. Now apply that to the female form. Bet it looks more like the right image, doesn’t it?
4. Power Girl
So much has been said about the impracticality of Power Girl’s boob window that let’s gloss over it and talk about things like not giving her a wedgie with some cute booty shorts. And while we’re at it, NO CAPES. Unless it’s part of the hero’s fighting style — like Batman — it’s just a liability.
Psylocke is in desperate need of breast support. Stealth ninja acrobatics do not lend themselves push-up bras — sorry, gentlemen. Substitute some actual pants for whatever those bandage straps are supposed to be, put her hair up to keep it from obscuring her vision, and bam, she’s ready to slice people open with energy knives.
6. Scarlet Witch
Not sure what the obsession with the Baywatch bikini cut is, but it wasn’t comfortable in the ’80s and it isn’t comfortable today. As a magic user, Scarlet Witch can have more fun with her costume, and trust me, skintight pink bodysuits that don’t breathe under a onesie tube top is the literal opposite of fun.
So close, and yet, so far. If at any point in life you can make out a woman’s abs and belly button through her clothes, call help immediately because she’s in imminent danger of passing out. Again, all She-Hulk really wants from life is a sports bra and pants. Preferably made out of Lycra.
Look, long flowing locks look great in motion. I understand. But being in a melee fight with hair to her ass just means Spider-Woman is helping the enemy win. Either it gets in her face or they grab it. Of course, this is if she doesn’t pass out first from being seersuckered into her costume. For real, do superhero universes not sell active support wear?
Everything is wrong and nothing is good. Something nice about her original costume? Um…at least she’s not in heels? Is it that hard to portray a sexually liberated woman wearing clothes instead of physics-defying ribbons?
As an Asgardian warrior who knows her shit, why is she wandering around in a breast plate that would kill her? Put some more armor on that armor, give her some pants, and take away the unnecessary cape, and we’re a little closer to Valkyrie looking like the stone-cold killer she is.
11. Wonder Woman
We’ve already been over this, but it bears repeating. Tube tops are not practical battle gear. They just aren’t. Wonder Woman, warrior princess of the Amazons, deserves to save the world in pants and a cute supportive top, not a metal-emblazoned ’50s swimsuit.
Another magic user, Zatanna has more leeway with her costume than physical fighters. But I dare you — DARE YOU — to find a woman who wants to save the world in what looks like her son’s church shirt over a pair of Spanx.
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