1. Wear whatever you like. The trick is, apply for a job as if you're not applying for one.
Wear your most trashy pants, or better yet wear shorts that you use at home. Don't make it look like you prepared so much for the job. You don't wanna look desperate.
2. Don't bother updating your resume. The interviewers will most definitely ask you whatever they need to know anyway. Think about the cost of printing new copies of your CV and how you could just use that to buy your cigarette sticks (boy, the price shot up more than double now), or as fare money to whatever company you plan to apply to next.
3. Don't waste time researching about the company. All you need to know is their name, their address, if they pay good money and if their air-condition is set moderately cool, not inter-changing from the freezing point in Antarctica and the gates of hell. Don't worry, there's one sure safe and brilliant answer if they ever ask you what you know about their company. If it's a call center, just respond with, "Your company is one of the best call centers in the Philippines". Problem solved. They'd withdraw all other questions related to this. Works all the time.
4. Don't ever expound your answers. You'll only put yourself in a risky situation that may just embarrass you. For example, if the interviewers were to ask me what my favorite movie is, I'd say, "Inception". Then they'd follow up with asking what the story was and I'd just say, "You really have to watch it yourself to understand the story. Believe me, it may be a little too complicated for this interview." This way, you won't over-explain things and the interviewers can know more about you by asking more questions. Less talk, less mistakes.
5. Make up stories that would make the interviewers pity you, but make sure it doesn't make you look so desperate at the same time. Often times, it's about timing. So say for example they ask you your motivations, end your answer with a bang that would get stuck in their mind. Say something like, "I guess money, my family, I dream of being promoted someday and also, most importantly, my very sick father who really needs my help right now with his meds and if I don't get this job, we'll have no way of buying them. So there."
6. Practice and memorize your answers to the questions most interviewers would normally ask. It's more than okay to sound scripted. That's what they want to hear too anyway. So win win. Examples are; to the question "Why should we hire you?", answer with, "Because I am an asset, not a liability."; to the question "What's your weakness?", answer with "My family. Because they are the most important persons in my life. Thank you."; if they ask you to introduce yourself, say "I'm hard-working, patient, proactive, diligent, persistent, rational, logical, obedient, respectful, wise, thrifty, independent, happy, emotional, team player, religious, kind, and I always pray at night." Overwhelm them with unrelated ideas in one sentence so they forget what the question was actually about, and so they'd move on to the next question. Trust me, they won't want you to repeat that.
7. Make absurd demands and expectations, those that make anything less still satisfactory for you. Ask for a birthday leave at least once a year. Demand for a salary package that's at least P5,000.00 more than your previous salary. Demand for fixed weekends off and threaten them that if they ever make you work on a Saturday or Sunday that they should expect you to be absent every time.
I hope I was able to be of some help to everybody out there who wants to fail their job applications the perfect way. Or at the very least, for everybody else who wants to pass their job applications, I hope I was able to highlight on the fact that screwing it up takes sheer expertise. So just don't.
To those who have some more sure tips on how to screw up a job application, I'd give you a limited time offer of feeling free to share them on the comments below. The more screwed-up, the better.
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