It's no secret that I love to cook. Over at Dan & Karl's Zeitgeist central you can find me at all hours of the day, lurking in the kitchen, whipping up my latest, craziest concoction to delight and dazzle my best friend's (and my) tastebuds.
But now that winter is upon us, so is cold and flu season.
Because I exercise so often, on average I like to do 200km on the bicycle a week (I don't like to draw attention to it), and I'm very healthy, due to my years as an upper level vegetarian and campaigner for animal rights through my refusal to drink Corona's on my first date with a girl because, as I explained loudly and well informedly, they might have been filtered through fish bladders and that was a risk I was unwilling to take in the micro brew, boutique, pop-up brewery in Brisbane's bohemian suburb of West End; it's very rare that I fall ill.
My co-host and best male friend, Karl, however was unfortunately stricken with cold and flu germs on our latest episode of Zeitgeist. Believing that my "better-than-all-of-you" diet and exercise regimen would keep me protected from the germs that only flourish due to unsavoury thoughts and frequent self inflicted crimes of the flesh, I engaged Karl in our ritual of exchanging breath before we record.
Big. Mistake.
I was struck down with a cold! So, sick as a Paustian, I came up with a recipe for garlic sleeves that's helped me feel 110%, out of my usual 440%, that you can easily use at home to combat a cold or flu and is perfect to share with your fellow commuters on any form of public transport.
Ingredients
1 x Coat (I got mine from Forever 21 but any unisex fashion brand will do)
10 x garlic cloves
2 tbs chicken stock. (I used flavouring packets from Maggi 2 min noodles)
2L water
Method
1. Ensure your wearing your unisex fashion brand coat due to the chills you're experiencing. If possible, repeatedly wipe your nose on either sleeve before rising from the couch you've been camped on for days to "Make some chicken soup or something to make me feel better." Say this to an empty house. (optional)
2. Peel the garlic. It is very important YOU DO NOT ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES. If your sleeves get in the way and you're getting frustrated and light headed due to the amount of time you've spent horizontal, perfect! You're on track.
3. Once the garlic is peeled and the skin left all over your kitchen, use the flat edge of a knife to smash the cloves of garlic.
NOTE: It is very important that your SLEEVES ARE DOWN. Your nose will run at this point but do not use your sleeves to wipe as that will ruin your recipe and you will need to start again. Instead allow your mucus to drip downward and collect in you moustache or, if you haven't a moustache or are so inclined, catch it with your tongue.
4. Forget what you were making and throw all of the ingredients into a pot and set it to the highest heat setting.
5. Lay down "just for a second" and forget what you were doing. Fall asleep.
6. Have your significant other return home from shopping because she's "not going to let you having the sniffles ruin my weekend" and in the nick of time turn off your "soup".
7. Go to bed in a haze at 5:30pm and sleep terribly.
8. Rise at 7am, shower for the first time in days and leave the house for the bus stop with wet hair in 15 degree weather, making sure to grab your unisex fashion brand coat from the dirty laundry hamper. Barely make it down the stairs without tripping due to your weakened legs.
9. After boarding the crowded bus with only standing room, make sure to get as awkwardly close to the person near you as you can, even though there was plenty of space at the front of the bus you could easily stand in. Hold a post either side of the aisle and fight the urge to violently cough and vomit (separately or combined, it's up to you!)
10. Suddenly be taken by the overpowering stink of garlic emanating from god knows where. Fixate on the mystery of the scent so that you can take your mind off the motion of the bus and what it's making you almost do. (Vomit, cough or both)
11. Upon realising it's your sleeves, pull your arms in close to your chest, ideally as the bus lurches forward from a stopped position forcing you into the person you're awkwardly standing against.
12. Dwell upon your sleeves for your entire 1hr commute and allow it to derail all conversations including when the bus driver says "Cheers" and the cafe waitress asks "Just the usual?"
13. Work a full day and then board a crowded bus for your afternoon commute.
14. Repeat steps 8 - 12.
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