8 People (and Their Dogs) Of The Dog Park

Sure, dogs are fun ... But sometimes their people are just as entertaining.

Lydia Nadal

1. THE SHIT TALKER

No one at the dog park will talk to you longer and more endearingly than the dude holding a transparent bag of poodle poo. Just because your dog is cute doesn't make his poop cute. There should be rules for this type of thing. "Must discard of poo before conversing with others," or "inappropriate to hold poo for longer than it takes to throw it away.

2. THE VOICE-OVER ARTIST

"I just want to smell your butt and see where you've been," a low voice murmurs behind you, while some raggedy Terrier publicly molests your dog. But THEY aren't talking to you ... It's the dork with the uncontrollable urge to announce what their dog MUST wish it could express. It's awkward ... And often completely inappropriate.

3. THE COMMANDER

Dogs need rules. This guy's got ‘em. His superhuman vocal chords hurl his commands like a lightning bolt from Zeus himself, eyes bulging, and veins protruding. His dog snaps to attention due to the sheer concussive force of his voice, which leaves all bystanders disoriented with shock and awe. His dog may not be dumb, but after all that, he might be deaf.

His overly obedient kids follow in single file. He speaks to them and the dog in old fashioned one word training terms, like "heel" and "down," with not so much as a inkling of compassion.

He is an asshole. He will not be challenged. He belongs to this dog park more than anyone else. Because_he_says_so.

4. THE JAMES GANG

They're sitting on the bench lookin’ at you, so that you know that they know, you're new. They slowly speak to each other like some a sort of Wild West gang of outlaws. They're not policing the place; they're just owning it. On that picnic bench, sitting_on_the_top. The six of them have been here before. They know all the dogs by name. They ain't messin round, darlin’. So whatever you do, don't make eye contact.

5. THE BUMPASS'S

They show up in their Jeep, all top down and badass, like the varsity team of dog park Jocks. They are a calamity of oversized black lab glory, and they are about to magically maneuver their way through the gate and destroy the entire park within minutes. Perrier the poodle will go straight to the groomers after this, and little Sparky may never lift his leg again. If you've ever witnessed a fight go down at the park, chances are it was thanks to the son's-a-bitchin-Bumpass's. Out there just long enough to ruin everyone's Thanksgiving dinner, and then leaving as quickly as they came.

6. THE LOUD, LOVING LESBIAN

Her raspy voice might scream otherwise, but she's a lover not a fighter. She can be witnessed bestowing full paragraphs upon her dog from the moment she arrives, usually having to do with respect, sharing, or PDA.

"You coming, Roundhouse? You see any new balls out there? Maybe we'll see your new friend Sparky today! We're not going to knock over Mr. Thomas this time now are we? And don't forget where the water bowl is. Last time you forgot...remember that?"

He's the only male she's ever dominated, and she relishes every moment.

She's the opposite of lovable, but damn it, a dog park just isn't the same without her. Yea, she might be intense, and yea she might be embarrassing, but she's just the right kind of intense embarrassing.

7. THE CAR CREEPER

Does that Guy even have a dog, or is he just here to breathe it all in? I can't remember the last time I reclined the ole front seat and took a big deep breath, but the next time I do, I guess I might as well do it outside the local dog poop portal. Ahhhh nature.

8. THE FUCKING PERFECTS

With their perfect fucking car, and their perfect fucking hair, and their perfect fucking dog. Everyone is waiting, watching, begging for them to make a mistake.

They stroll in, all classin the place up with their collars styled to perfection and coats freshly groomed. They're inexplicably polite, hopelessly attractive, and aside from wearing white pants on a rainy day, they've never actually done anything wrong.

But we don't like them. No, no, no. They are the fence that wraps around the park, and we? We are the leashes, left at the gate. Right? Right...