Note: This post contains mention of abuse.
There is a lot of important knowledge to be gained as you navigate romantic relationships. In hindsight, however, it would have been helpful to have known about certain lessons in love earlier than you did.
We recently asked older adults from the BuzzFeed Community to share the relationship lessons they wish they'd been aware of sooner in life. Here are some enlightening comments people wrote:
1. "Jealousy isn't healthy or a 'good sign,' and it certainly doesn't mean they care about you more. It is the worst of emotions and can often be used to manipulate people. If someone is jealous, they don't trust you. Being possessive isn't cute."
—Mel, 43, Chicago
2. "It is best to spend the rest of your life with a best friend rather than the one who makes you feel butterflies in your stomach. Butterflies may only last for a few moments, but the best friend will treasure you and make you feel comfortable to be yourself for the many years to come."
—Selena, 29, Hong Kong
3. "1) If they really loved you, they wouldn’t say or do things that they know hurt you. People who love you want to make you happy and protect you from pain, not cause it. 2) It’s OK to be selfish — sometimes. Meaning, if you spend all your time taking care of other people’s needs, but yours aren’t being met, it’s OK to 'be selfish' and take care of yourself instead."
4. "Pay attention to how they behave when things aren't going their way. It's easy to be fun and sweet during the good times. How do they handle conflict? How do they react when you tell them no? How do they act when they're frustrated? If you want a long-term relationship with a person, make sure you still like them during the bad times as well as the good and that they treat you well no matter what."
5. "I may not be that old, but I've learned that communication truly is KEY!🔑 Whether by a text, phone call, email...hell, even writing a letter — it's good to talk things out plainly and truthfully. Expressing one's feelings may not lead to the outcome you want, but it's better to speak about things now than to hold it in and have it explode 10 times worse. 🙌🏼"
6. "Live in your current reality, whether it’s your career/income or relationships. Enjoy what you have and accept your partner for who they are in that moment. Don’t get lost in a future that hasn’t happened yet or what you think a partner can be. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have plans and goals; just enjoy and live and appreciate what you have in front of you."
7. "Life itself is hard, but your relationship shouldn't be making it harder. Don't glorify or make excuses for frequent conflict in your relationship; it's not romantic or sexy like The Notebook makes it out to be. It's exhausting and a sign you're with the wrong person. The right person will bring you joy and peace; they'll make the hard things easier. In my 20s I thought conflict meant we had passion, and the relationship had value because we 'fought through' hardships. Don't settle for someone that makes your bad days worse."
—Emily, 37, Scottsdale, AZ
8. "Consciously choose each other every day. No matter how brief the moment, acknowledge your partner for who they are and what they bring to your life in that very instant."
"That way, you'll never grow more than one day apart, and you won't find yourself years down the road thinking, 'I don't even know this person anymore,' or, 'How did we get here?' I only received this advice after an early, painful divorce, and it was completely life-changing for me."
—Brittany, 37, Lumberton, NC
9. "If you're in a new relationship, and you see a red flag, ADDRESS IT. Don't assume the issue will go away or get better over time as the relationship gets more serious. In my case, I knew from the beginning that my ex had jealousy issues — I even warned him early on that his lack of trust could eventually end our marriage. It turned out that jealousy was just the tip of the iceberg, and I spent 23 years trying to make a marriage work with an emotionally abusive narcissist. We divorced in 2020, and I have spent SO many hours since then wishing I had taken action on that red flag."
10. "Receiving attention and affection doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is real; respect and consideration are much more important. I had an ex that would manipulate me by making me think their investment in the relationship was the same as mine (e.g., 'I got out of work early so you can take me to dinner'). Some people give attention and affection to get something out of you and not because they want to be with you."
11. "Make sure you can always support yourself on your own income. Don't ever count on someone to help you get by because no matter what anyone tells you, they might not always be there to support you, and you may end up supporting them also. Do you want that if they're an abusive ex?"
12. "Don't be in a rush to get married by a certain age just because you see your friends are settling down all of a sudden. This can lead to many unhappy divorces later in life; trust me! Take your time to meet different people, date for several years, live together, then decide if you are mature enough to get married. A lot of people don't know what they want at the ages of 24–28. I thought I did, but I found it later in my 30s."
—Anonymous, 41, Hudson Valley, NY
13. "Never date potential! Sure, people can change, but if you can't accept someone completely for where they are *right now,* chances are you will never be happy with them. I've wasted years with partners who were constantly promising things would get better but never took active steps to get there."
14. "Some people are not meant to stay in our lives as much as we would like. They were an episode that taught us or delivered a message we needed to know at that precise moment of our season. I had a coworker for three months in my department that shared episodes of her life. During those days, I was contacted by my ex from 20 years ago, and I was undecided to either go out with him to catch up or just let it go again. I shared that with my coworker, whose advice was, 'You don’t owe any explanations to anyone but yourself only. You have nothing to lose that hasn’t been lost before if you go out to have dinner with him.' She moved to another city, and we still have contact via text. My ex is my husband now, and we have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter."
—Anonymous, 43, Texas
15. "Don't give away your power and your worth! If the relationship is only about them, walk away. I wish I had realized this in my teens and early 20s. I dated guys where it was all about when THEY wanted to see me, what THEY wanted to do, and how I fit into their life — never anything about me. I cringe when I think back on that time. I was such a pushover."
16. "I know this is a very obvious answer, but don’t change who you are just to meet the standards of someone else just because you like them. I tried so hard to shape my personality around guys I had crushes on in high school. In the end, I didn’t really feel like myself. I decided to just let love come to me instead of chasing after it in college. I ended up meeting my now-husband, and I couldn’t be happier in my relationship because I don’t hide or change who I am."
17. "The negative behaviors you allow in the beginning of your relationship only amplify with time. It's important to set those expectations. Otherwise, you're giving them permission to treat you poorly."
18. "Fighting/disagreeing isn’t a sign that the relationship is over. It’s actually a good thing (in moderation) and can bring you closer: It means you’re both being honest, you both care, and you’re willing to stand up for a boundary. Obviously, not all fights are this way, but in a healthy relationship, they can really change things for the better."
—Anonymous, 36, New York
19. "You cannot change people, no matter what. You cannot love someone enough that they will love you back. Trust your gut. Don’t stay in relationships for the kids/dog/proximity of their apartment to your work."
—Anonymous, 34, Massachusetts
20. "My husband and I will be married 15 years this October. My biggest advice would be to go to couples therapy when issues arise. If you want to make the relationship work, therapy is a great place to start. It took my husband and me 12 years to call a therapist and really dig deep to save our marriage. Marriage takes work, but we are the happiest we’ve ever been because we communicate better, listen when each other is frustrated and go to therapy when we feel like we are losing our footing."
21. "Do not waste your time and feelings trying to date someone who doesn’t want to date you. Even if you are friends with benefits, if you want more and they don’t — stop. Full stop. You will save yourself so much hurt. Spend your youth with someone who actually wants to be with you."
—Anonymous, 38, Earth
22. "Don't underestimate how important it is to form a friendship before anything. Things are usually worse off when it's rushed."
"Also, you want to see their 'bad side' before fully committing so it can set expectations for how they will be in tough times. If they don't seem to have a 'bad side,' they just don't want you to see it."
—puertorican
23. "When it’s over, just walk away. If you ended things, have the grace to let the other person heal, even if it means you’re cast as the villain for a while. If the other person ended things, don’t listen when they say they want to be friends. At best, they’re trying to assuage their guilt. At worst, they’re trying to keep you as a backup option for when they need a hookup. Look forward, not back."
—Anonymous, 41, California
24. "Don't be afraid of rejection. I missed too many opportunities with too many women because I was afraid to put myself out there and ask them out. In college, I had a huge crush on a girl I met my second day of school. It wasn't until the end of our senior year that I actually took her out on a date because I feared what expressing my feelings for her would do to our friendship. I was friends with a lot of girls I liked in college, and now that I'm married, I am in contact with none of them anyway. I shouldn't have been so afraid to take a chance."
25. "It is not your life's mission to find a partner. If you're the happiest on your own, then roll with it. People evolve, and circumstances may change, so always listen to your gut and not other people."
—Anonymous, 43, Lyon
26. "Focus more on if you like them versus if they like you. Really sit down and think: Do I like them as a person? Or am I just too worried about them liking me?"
—Anonymous, 31, New York
27. "Stop putting sex on a pedestal. Seriously. Sex can be a priority, absolutely, but guess what? Your body and your partner's body and hormones all change. Nothing stays the same, not even your sex drive. It dips, you're in a rut, it comes back, you're banging like 20-year-olds again. Don't equate the amount of sex you have to the overall value of your relationship. Instead, TALK IT OUT with each other so you both know where the other one is. Get therapy if you're both willing. I think a telltale sign that something isn't right is if your partner is completely unwilling to talk it out and seek help WITH you. But for real — stop thinking tons of sex means you have a happy, fulfilling relationship. It doesn't."
28. "You should always be able to be your true self with your significant other. You shouldn't have to hide your past, bad habits, or dreams in fear of their judgment. Anyone who cannot accept ALL of you shouldn't get any of you — period."
—Anonymous, 42, Atlanta
29. Lastly: "Learn to be comfortable with being single. Having a partner doesn't alter your worth in the world and in your life. You can have a fulfilling life with and without a partner. Be more discerning about who you enter a relationship with. Am I with them because I feel we work better as a romantic couple, or am I idealizing a version of them in my head and what our time together will be like — ideally? No matter what the other person does or says, if you're unhappy — it's okay and can be the best or most healthy choice to break up with them. Don't rush to keep a friendship with them afterward. Give both of you time and space apart. That timeframe you have in mind? Double it."
What relationship knowledge do you wish you would've known sooner? Tell us your thoughts in the comments section below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.