1.
Person In Your 9 AM Class Tomorrow
Step 1: Spot them
Step 2: Double take
Step 3: Confirmation
Step 4: Harassment
If you’re like me, you consistently feel the need to harass people you vaguely know/don’t know at all really. I tell myself after every party, this will not happen again. Shocker, I know, but guess what—it does. I have a completely one-sided conversation with my victim and realize .5 seconds after the stimulating little chat that I am an idiot. They won’t remember, I think to my drunk self. The next day their lack of any and all eye contact/contact of any sort makes it clear that they do. Mother fucker, I think to my sober self as I vow to never do it again.
2.
The Potential Roof-Dogger
He saunters around the drink table and is void of any acquaintances. He comes complete with a handle of taaka (that he conveniently doesn’t drink) and a raging set of crazy eyes. He will bore into your soul until you have no choice but to look at him. He’ll offer you a drank. You refuse. Or you don’t—you’ll end up at his sketch fest of a dorm room which contains various Charlie Sheen fan paraphernalia and probably some batman sheets. Cover your cup bitches.
3.
The Drunk Girl
Her boyfriend cheated on her or she’s in a fight with her bestie and is drinking her troubles away. No matter the reason, she’s hammered and everyone takes notice. Her friends are trying to coerce her to leave, but don’t worry “she is fine and like not even drunk.” She’s leaning against the wall, not to be mysterious, but to hold herself up. All the girl’s are whispering about how her skirt’s hiking up or how big of a shit show she is. Secretly we’re all jealous because she’s drunk as shit and we’re all still relatively sober, which is why we’re in total judge mode. Don’t hate this girl too much because it’s probably you every month and a half or so.
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