The 3 People You Will See At Your Neighborhood Pool

Never fails, ever.

1.

Tweenz

Drunk off half a mike’s hard lemonade, they stumble into the pool wearing their abercrombie kids bikinis and fake chanel sunglasses. They just laugh all day and hope their middle school crushes come up to the pool so they can play some spin-off of spin the bottle. I’ve actual seen this happen at the country club I work at…3 mini sluts were playing spin the plastic cup with two little boys-very uncomfortable

2.

That Guy

The one guy you drunkenly made out with or your exboyfriend or the guy who just became aware you’re obsessed with him. You always see the one guy you don’t wanna see at the pool. It’s inevitable so you better pack your raybans and practice avoiding eye contact cause it’s gonna be a long summer

3.

Gossipy Moms

My neighborhood is rampant with women in their mid-40s who don’t work and have nothing to do but bitch and get people in trouble. They live for graduation parties where they can fuck you over by telling your mom you were at a rager last night or smoked a j with the only black guy in the neighborhood. They sit by the pool in their tankinis and scan the perimeter looking for a scandal they can relay back to your mom.