How To: Make Yourself More Drunk

Now that it is summer and my roommate and her fake ID are no longer in the next bunk over, it is a little harder to get alcohol. I’ve developed these tactics to make the most of my minimal quantity of alcohol:

1.

Take Your Contacts Out

One time I was at a party that a cat also happened to be at. I was not pleased, because i am borderline deathly allergic to these fuckers. I had to take my contacts out of my poor little itchy eyes in order to function. I was so pissed, until I realized this was a blessing in disguise. I opened my eyes and the room spun about 3 times faster than before. Another time, I skipped a step and entered a party without my contacts. Blind, I eliminated the awkward party entrance that is normally inevitable.

2.

Shots

I take shots of any and all types of alcohol. Beer shots, wine shots, loko shots, whatever—I don’t discriminate. The alcohol hits you much faster and you don’t have to bullshit around with cups, ice, straws etc. People may look and you weird, but they’re jealous they didn’t think of this first. (neither did you by the way—I did)

3.

To-Go Cups

It doesn’t matter if you're at a pre-game and absolutely have to leave, you must not do the unthinkable: dump out your drink. I have a bevy of to-go cups I use in order to avoid wasting precious alcohol. Lately, I use coffee to-go cups because they are super sneaky. A police officer would totally not expect you to have alcohol in there at like 2 am. Also, the little holes in the lid are fun to drink out of. This is a much safer option than the age old clear plastic water bottle.