How To Make The Hobbit: The Battle Of Five Armies 17 Times Better

After watching The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, it's obvious that Peter Jackson didn't get the memo - never go full George Lucas. But hey, there's always the extended edition, right? Here's 17 ways to make the movie better. Warning: spoilers ahead!

1. More of Thranduil being fabulous

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This guy took HD brows to a whole new level

2. No slow motion

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Ah, so much feels...until it gets used every other scene

3. More bear-airstrikes

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Because what's cooler than were-bears? Were-bears riding giant eagles, of course

4. The real Billy Connelly

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Accept no CGI substitutions

5. Bombur in Concert

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That horn solo whet our appetites for a one-man show

6. Sebastian

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Or else that excruciating CPR scene was for nothing

7. Thorin/Bilbo

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We all want it - the one romance to rule them all

8. Yoda on the White Council

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I mean, the White Council were basically Jedi knights in this anyway, right?

9. More moose action

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The sassiest steed in Middle-earth

10. Cumberbatch vs. Cumberbatch

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Smaug meets Sauron, and the universe implodes

11. More of Thorin's LSD Trip

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Tripping balls and falling through floors

12. Lou Reed's Perfect Day

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In fact, while we're at it, why not completely rip offTrainspotting?

13. Get rid of Alfred

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No one needs to see this Widow Twanky routine

14. Fewer tragic backstories

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Isn't there room for ambiguous characters?

15. The Elven hair salon

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Special appearance by Nicky Clarke and his hair straighteners

16. More of Saruman's kung fu

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Tolkien's probably doing just as many cartwheels in his grave at this point

17. And his anti-drug rants

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Whether it's mushrooms or pipe-weed, he'll kill your buzz