1. On breathing:
I’ve just learned that it’s impossible to breathe and swallow at the same time now I’ve been sitting here trying to do it
2. On division:
want me to ruin your day? 85 is divisible by 17
3. On stairs:
saw a tweet tht said u can’t stand backwards on stairs nd now it’s all I can think about
4. On spoons:
spoons are just little bowls on sticks
5. On bananas:
The banana is no longer the food item that looks most phone-like. The pop tart is.
6. On lasagna:
if u had 1 lasagna and u put it on another lasagna, you’d still only have 1 lasagna
7. On grandparents:
You’ve probably never seen your grandparents jump before
8. On legs:
Just found out when someone tells you to “break a leg” in an audition it is because they are hoping you end up in the cast. Now my head is exploding
9. On queues:
just realised that the 'ueue' in queue is silent...
10. And on teas:
11. On birthdays:
Balloons are strange. It's like, happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath.
12. On anger:
“Dammit im mad” spelt backwards is still “Dammit im mad”
13. On growing old:
The list of people older than you never increase.
14. On soup:
The ocean is technically soup. It has meat and veg in a salty broth.
15. On toasting:
Did anyone else not know that the numbers on toasters are minutes!?! I thought it was just different levels of toastiness.
16. On pizza:
pizza rolls are just italian gushers
17. On nursery rhymes:
I was today years old when I found out that “this little piggy went to the market” doesn’t mean he went food shopping...
18. On maybes:
19. On ducks:
I just realized when your phone autocorrects to “ducking” it means crouching down and has nothing to do with ducks. How did I forget that was a real word
20. On the past:
I wonder if, in past times, the space on Earth currently being occupied by my kitchen was the site of an epic life-or-death battle between two giant dinosaurs.
21. On macaroni and cheese:
Is macaroni and cheese "mac" because it's short for macaroni or because "mac" is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?🤯🤔
22. On microwaves:
Everyone owns a microwave, but there aren’t any microwave commercials.🤔
23. On time:
24. On the body:
It's weird to think that everything that occurs within your body happens in complete darkness
25. On discourse:
I hate the word “discourse” it just sounds like Goofy saying “discuss”
26. On chicken:
When you buy and eat half a chicken, you are secretly sharing a meal with a stranger.
27. On Pokémon:
28. On washing hands:
29. On worms:
Fun Fact: Gummy worms have more bones in them than actual worms.
30. On birthday parties:
Every child's first birthday party is technically a surprise party
31. On straws:
A straw only has one hole in it. Think about that
32. And on the world:
flat-earther: [opens mouth] me: did you know the world is actually just a cat playing with Australia??
Wow. Everything is different now.