Browse links
US residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.
Kids really have zero filter.
My 7yo told me that Jeremy gives her all the answers at school. As the conversation went on I found out that Jeremy is her brain. She named her brain Jeremy.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 30, 2022
My kid just learned “uh oh spaghettios” but he keeps forgetting and is yelling “oh no noodles” instead
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 1, 2022
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022
The 6 year old flatly refused to believe that we used to navigate using maps made out of paper.
— Greg Ó Ceallaigh (@gregoceallaigh) September 3, 2021
“You mean like pirates?!?!????”
my son has recently informed me the ‘wall people’ who ‘always have their eyes open’ don’t like us anymore. just curious if anyone is free tonight to help me move out
— nash flynn (@itsnashflynn) September 11, 2022
the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
— 🦂Stay at Home Meh 🌵 (@caseyjparker) August 26, 2022
My 7yo just got mad at his brother and called him ugly, and his brother got really upset about it and started crying.
— Stacey (@nofilterblonde) January 29, 2023
They’re identical twins.
Identical. Twins.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named "Internet." I said no way, that can't be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we've been having this discussion.
— Brianne M. Kohl (@BrianneKohl) March 18, 2022
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I just witnessed a child have a meltdown in the pumpkin patch because he wanted to go to the pumpkin patch. That he was standing in. LMAO
— Shop: The S.R.C (@SunshineScottee) October 15, 2022
Y’all parent every day? Oh my God. 😂
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 20, 2022
Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023
I took a picture of a kid's chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, "I have a skeleton."
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky 🔪👻 (@DrSpooky_ER) September 28, 2022
The funniest thing that’s ever happened to me as a parent is once my 2yo was having a full on meltdown and accidentally kicked an electronic toy dinosaur and it went “Can you feed me?” and my son, through massive sobs, goes “no I can’t right now, dinosaur” and continued screaming
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 7, 2022
My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed “where is the backyard?!”
— Mel (@Tweetsnwhatnot) November 10, 2021
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021
Today my 3 year old niece cried because she remembered she hit her leg somewhere 3 days ago. She said she forgot to cry about her leg that day.
— a plate of bamya (@NourAbadiii) March 30, 2021
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 9, 2021
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
— ⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅱️🅰️ (@PurestInNoSense) March 24, 2018
*Opens bottle of bleach*
— Julz (@azedi) November 27, 2018
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open.
Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?
🤣🤣🤣
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 17, 2017
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: ...
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out)
— Tomer Ullman (@TomerUllman) July 31, 2020
Me: "What's wrong, tutu?"
4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): "If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!"
Me: "But your fingers...are not...markers?"
4yo (peak distress): "I said IF!"
Just heard my 4 year old say "it's time to milk the farm dog" and my 2 yo squeal "YEAH" and I better go see what they're doing
— The Strawberry Scaries (@RateMySalad) February 5, 2022
My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 22, 2021
Parenting Fail.
— Ruth Brooker (@erbrooker) February 15, 2022
After 4yr old's epic meltdown over toast cut the "wrong" way.
Me: whispering under my breath with my back turned.. "ohhh I'm so fucking tired"
4yr old: "well I'm fucking tired too mummy"
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”
— ceciATL (@ceciATL) January 28, 2021