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I'm A Terrible Person, So I Can't Stop Laughing After Reading These 42 Extremely Dumb Things People Posted On The Internet Last Month

What a stupid month.

1. On babies:

"Babies do have a very strong ammunition system at birth; comes from mom's milk mostly"

2. On confidence:

"People who suffer from low shelf and steam, how do you deal with it in your day to day life?"

3. On good jobs:

"What's a really good job with high celery that people should apply for?"

4. On birth:

"Momcat Nibbles is in labor! Contraptions have begun!"

5. On delicious recipes:

"I have .72 lbs of cube steak and 1.6 lbs of steak tips; I'm trying to combine together and extend for a family of 5 (3 of them can eat all the meat by themselves); I can't seem to find any good recipes"; response: "Beef stroking off over noodles"

6. On the duality of Andre:

"It's a Double Andre"; "Wait, then what does it mean? I think I know but a lot of jokes go over my head," "Double entendre—but I like 'Andre' too"

7. On birthdays:

"yk why i love my birthday: because i like feeling like there's a day where everyone worships me, like i'm at the foreskin of everybody's mind"

8. On reflections:

An ad for a mirror captioned "Mear, $10"

9. On this year's hottest fashion:

An ad showing a person wearing a varsity/letterman jacket, with caption "Leather man Jacket, $65"

10. On swimming:

"i think it's a type of snake that's eaten a HUGE dinner and the poor f*ck is too flamboyant to swim"

11. On days in the park:

"Took one of my clients out for a pick neck watched the children play was a great day"

12. On lookalikes:

Person saying someone's "teenage daughter is the spitting image of her late father" and being "corrected": "It's 'spit and image'"

13. On the things that make us beautiful:

"Finding someone who can handle me and my corks is hard; I'm different and people can't handle it or don't want to take the time"

14. On observers:

"There was whitenesses; even this girl told me she'll be a whiteness if I need"

15. On the beauty of French:

"Well, mayonnaise is a French invention so it does add some genius aqua"

16. On unholy pregnancies:

"His unbiblical cord was in his face but look at them chunky cheeks! I can't wait to meet you soon sweet boy! Little chunk is weighing 5.8 pounds already! I'm already obsessed with him"

17. On diets:

"Poor things look mow-nourished"

18. On those in need:

"You know Jesus made a point to support the people on the fridges of society right?"

19. On questions:

"It's a shame when a person puts a ligament question on here and has to put up with a lot of BULL SHIT; can't you be nice?

20. On problems:

"And I want to nip this problem in the butt before I'm 30 but feel 50"

21. On insurance:

"Many insurance companies have an 'active God' clause; this may not be covered"

22. On twins:

Person says twins don't look alike, and when someone says not all twins are identical, person says isn't that kind of the point, otherwise they're just siblings, not twins

23. On foodborne illness:

"Salmonella is only caused by salmon; you're a chef, you should know that"

24. On triangles:

Someone refers to an "eye saucerless triangle"

25. On birds:

"Actually, there's no difference between turkey and ham because they both come from birds"

26. On true beauty:

"She's urethral"; response: "Um, I think you mean ethereal; urethral means something else entirely, but I agree she is ethereal"

27. On rich people:

"Why don't rich people just use all their money to stop pottery?"

28. On ducks:

Argument about how no one calls ducks birds and whether or not they are, in fact, birds, with the final comment: "Ducks can survive in water full time, birds can't"

29. On appearances:

Someone says "They seem friendly; they are just inspecting you," and someone responds, "Looks can be this evening"

30. On the chills:

"Dude I got goose pumps when he did it; I rewound it numerous times to rewatch; finally exciting to watch again"

31. On taste:

"Oysters are a required taste"

32. On eating meat:

"How long does it take the meat to grow back on a cow when you shave it off?"

33. On cartoons:

"Cartoons used to be great; mid-'90s is when cartoons started to go downhill"; "yup, because they are computer jena rated"

34. On the beauty of nature:

"Together we could see the areolas borealis in Iceland, lay on a Cuban beach or take a weekend city break — what's on your bucket list?"

35. On pennies:

Boss gave employee his final paycheck in pennies for quitting, and someone says "90,000 pennies=$9K, duh," and someone says "$900; move the decimal point two places, not one," and they say "No, you are wrong"

36. On Milwaukee's woes:

A Milwaukee circular saw for sale for £130, with caption, "Milwaukee still sore"

37. On society:

"You should all be ostrich-sized from society for this"

38. On math:

"That is not how nor has it even been how parentheses work; by your logic, (2+3) squared would equal 25; hint: the answer is 13"

39. On pizza:

"Pizza shrinks when cooked; this is not rocket science, and people who measure their food are fucktards"; response from lead baker of a bakery who also worked in a pizza place: "No, it doesn't, it expands; also, they don't cook, they bake"

40. On vegetarian food:

Picture of a plate of food, and someone asks, "Is that toe food," and person says "Yes it's tofu" with laugh-cry emoji

41. On talents:

"Talent: jack off all traits (knows how to use all weapons only mastered the sword)"

42. And on paternity tests:

"They should do paternity testing prior to conception IMO; that way you avoid the reveal at birth; why hide? It may hold people more accountable"