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Let's Talk About "Hatchet" And How It Fucked You Up For Life

Let's chat.

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There is one thing and one thing only that is universally true.

It doesn't matter where you come from. It doesn't matter who your parents are. It doesn't matter how much money you have.

Everyone read Hatchet in elementary school.

By the big man Gary Paulsen.
amazon.com

By the big man Gary Paulsen.

You remember: the story of a young boy who gets stranded in nature and proceeds to get his 13-year-old ass whooped over and over again by Madre Nature until this trusty ol' tool saves the day:

It's the book that probably taught you what a hatchet even is.
Dangrytsku / Getty Images

It's the book that probably taught you what a hatchet even is.

It's also universally true that everyone had to make a diorama of a scene from the book.

Cameron's Hatchet book club final project. @gary_paulsen69 #diorama

It's Elementary School Law.

The book is unforgettable. Everyone remembers the pilot starting to fart and feeling a pain in his arm.

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I mean, he literally has a fart attack.

The only part of the book 'Hatchet' I remember is that when the pilot was having a heart attack it was a fart attack

You probably laughed because you were like 8, and farts were (are) hilarious.

It's the book that taught you that eating those red berries gives you a colossal case of the diarrhea.

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You know the feeling.

I feel like Hatchet when he ate those berries.....

Never eat gut cherries.

It's the book that made you terrified of moose. Mooses? Meece? I'm not going to look it up. I mean, remember how bad that one moose fucks Brian up?

Look at the moose gaze. That moose is straight gazin'.
Gryelise / Getty Images

Look at the moose gaze. That moose is straight gazin'.

Moose are evil.

The only thing I remember about hatchet is that moose are dicks

Moose are scary.

Super timely but moose are scary. Kids need to read Hatchet and have that fear instilled in them.

Moose need to get their lil' meese butts hit by a tornado.

Favorite line from Hatchet: I hope the tornado hit the moose

And man, oh man. How about when he gets his eyes swollen shut from all those mosquitoes?

Versh / Getty Images

Brian gets destroyed.

@carlrigney Oh man do I remember Hatchet. Those mosquitos ate poor Brian alive.

I could practically FEEL them.

And let's not forget about that dang porcupine that quills the ever-loving life outta Brian.

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And also lets him figure out how to make fire.

I missed the hatchet hit he wall and made sparks the thing witch I found out was a porcupine got scared and hit me with his quills. #ouch

That little p'cu'p saved him.

Or the part when he gets skunked up real good.

Globalp / Getty Images

Remember that horrifying scene when Brian finds fish eating the dead pilot's body?

Fish Brian had been eating for a while. Kinda intense for a child to read about how Brian had been indirectly gobblin' down the pilot's dead body.
Constantincornel / Getty Images

Fish Brian had been eating for a while. Kinda intense for a child to read about how Brian had been indirectly gobblin' down the pilot's dead body.

And the description of the dead pilot's bloated body? Nightmare stuff.

i remember in hatchet how the author described seeing his pilot's dead body decaying under water in that lake, it was so vivid

It was so...puffy.

How about when he gets rescued and has that orange beverage? I don't even know what kind of orange bevvy, but you're a liar if you didn't want some tangy bevvies after that.

Bhofack2 / Getty Images

And don't even get me started on Brian's Winter or The River. That's a whole nother can o' worms.

We must never speak of them.
Matt_benoit / Getty Images

We must never speak of them.

Oh, and that white blob on the front cover? THAT'S A HATCHET.

NOT JUST, LIKE, A WHITE BLOB!
amazon.com

NOT JUST, LIKE, A WHITE BLOB!

Chances are it's the last and only book you actually read in school.

Last book I read? Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. Bout 12 years ago.

I mean, why read anything else?

The last good book I read in school as assigned reading was Hatchet and I'm pretty sure that was like 4 th grade or so

Long live Hatchet.

Last book I read was hatchet and that was 4th grade