1. Captain James Cook (1779)
British Sea Captain James Cook may have been one of the greatest explorers of all time, but his last Valentine's Day certainly wasn't. We have James Cook to thank for introducing the western world to the islands of Hawaii, the backdrop for many a romantic Valentine's getaway. However, James Cook is probably none too fond of this romantic hotspot after the fiasco that was his return visit in 1779.
Cook made his second visit to Hawaii Island one year after its initial discovery, and just in time for the harvest festival of Makahiki. Cook was hailed as the incarnation of the Polynesian god Lono, and was showered in praise during his month-long stay on the island. But, as Cook would soon learn, even the best Hawaiian honeymoon must come to an end. Towards the end of his time on the island, disputes began to break out between the islanders and Cook's men. Among the incidents was the theft of a small ship from Cook's fleet, and threats by his men to fire on the islanders. In order to dissolve the tensions between the factions, Cook decided to kidnap the king, Kalaniʻōpuʻu, and return him once order was restored.
The next day, February 14th, 1779, Cook marched through the village, and took the king back to his flagship. Unfortunately, if Cook was looking for a little alone time with Kalaniʻōpuʻu on the ship that Valentine's Day, he would never get it. As he turned his back on the islanders that had assembled on the shore, chief Kalaimanokahoʻowaha ran up and struck Cook on the head with a club, knocking him face first into the surf. While he was in the water, he was stabbed by one of the king's servants, and then carried off to be given a traditional burial. Not exactly the preferred way to end a Valentine's Day.
So, even if your friends ruin your Valentine's Day this year, remember that they didn't cause the trifecta that Cook's crew did: Head Trauma, Drowning, and Stab Wounds.
2. Albert Weinshank (1929)
Love is to Valentine's Day as gangsters were to prohibition era Chicago, and it seems that these gangsters loved nothing more than killing each other. One such incident occurred on Valentine's Day in 1929, when seven associates of the North Side gang were executed by Al Capone's South Side outfit.
Capone had concocted a plan to lure the leader of the North Siders, George "Bugs" Moran, into a warehouse in Chicago's Lincoln park, to recover a stolen shipment of whiskey. The intention was to kill Moran and some of his highest ranking henchman, in order to take full control of the organized crime scene in Chicago.
Albert Weinshank was a less prominent associate of the North Siders, who managed the cleaning and dyeing of clothing used during gang operations. It would have been exceedingly unlikely for Weinshank to have been targeted in this inter-gang assault, had it not been for his choice in clothes that day.
You see, Weinshank and Bugs Moran had unknowingly selected similarly colored hats and overcoats to wear on that fateful day. Because of this, the lookouts of Al Capone mistook the similarly built Weinshank for Moran, and sprung their trap early. The North Siders, along with Weinshank, were tied up, fired at by four armed gunmen, and left for dead. Weinshank was the ultimate wing man that Valentine's Day, taking the hit for Bugs, and allowing him to continue his operations with the North Side gang.
So, if you think you look awful this Valentine's Day, just remember that your wardrobe malfunction, unlike Albert Weinshank's, isn't likely to get you killed (although it also helps that most dates tend to stray away from organized gang violence).
3. Reeva Steenkamp (2013)
The most recently deceased, and perhaps most famous, person on this list is Reeva Steenkamp, model and former girlfriend of South African track star Oscar Pistorius. The Valentine's Day murder of Steenkamp was one of the highest profile court cases of 2013, and the legal proceedings extended well into 2014.
Steenkamp's Valentine's Day went south faster than most, with the incident occurring in the early morning hours in their bedroom in Pretoria, South Africa. Steenkamp was in the bathroom when Pistorius was roused from his sleep. Not realizing that Steenkamp had left the bed, he believed that an intruder was in the house. Pistorius picked up his gun and fired into the bathroom, hitting Steenkamp with several bullets, and killing her. Adding insult to injury, Pistorius was found guilty only of culpable homicide, and was released on house arrest after only one year in prison.
Sometimes, all we need in life is a little perspective. At least when your boyfriend takes you on another crappy Valentine's date, you can be happy that he isn't waiting outside the restaurant bathroom with a glock and a bad attitude.
4. Kenneth Kraus (1979)
In 2012, Argo introduced the Iran hostage crisis to a younger generation of moviegoers, but one man is bound to feel hard done by after not appearing in the film. The takeover of the U.S. embassy in Iran in November of the same year is well known and documented, but it is less well known that this was not the first attack on U.S. Iranian Embassy that year.
On Valentine's Day, 1979, the embassy was attacked and held by Fedayeen militants. The militants took particular offense to one Kenneth Kraus, a marine on duty that day. Kraus was shot by the militants, and later kidnapped from the embassy.
The militants held Kraus hostage for a week, while they tortured him for sensitive information on the embassy. After an agonizing week of torture, Kraus was falsely accused of shooting Iranian civilians, and sentenced to death by the militants. In a timely stroke of luck, President Jimmy Carter was able negotiate his release shortly before the execution, and he returned home safely.
For his troubles, Kraus was given a hero's welcome in the states, but his story was ultimately passed up for inclusion in Argo. This surely comes as a sting for Kraus, who was thrust directly into the hands of the militants, and not merely trapped in the Canadian ambassador's house, like the embassy workers famously depicted in the film.
So, if you are feeling unappreciated this Valentine's Day, take solace in the fact that only your feelings that were ignored, and not a week's worth of torture and confinement. And remember, being alone on Valentine's Day may feel like an entire day of torture, but it certainly beats seven.
5. Heikki Ritavuori (1922)
During his life, Finnish politician Heikki Ritavuori was renowned for his adherence to ideals and political integrity, but his honorable nature would later be overshadowed by his shocking murder.
Ritavuori was largely responsible for the creation and adoption of Finland's modern republican form of government in 1919. It was his proposal for a new government that was voted into law in June of that year, uniting the republicans and royalists under a single parliament.
During the Eastern Karelia crisis in the winter of 1922, Ritavuori's luck took a turn for the worse. He was serving as the minister responsible for the border guard, when a smear campaign was started against him, based on false information. It was this smear campaign that ended up being the direct cause of Ritavuori's death.
When a mentally disturbed nobleman, Ernst Tandefelt, read the fabricated newspaper reports on Ritavuori, he decided that the politician was too great a threat to the country, and vowed to kill him. On Valentine's Day, not long after, Tandefelt fulfilled his wish, shooting Ritavuori dead in his home.
It is said that "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you." Ritavuori found out the hard way that this isn't always true, but you shouldn't be so unlucky on your Valentine's Day, that somebody would whip up a deadly conspiracy against you (and if somebody does, well, I should take no responsibility).
6. St. Valentine (~269 A.D.)
Who else could possibly round out this list, but the namesake of Valentine's Day himself. Like many others who bear the title of Saint, Valentine has been treated far better posthumously than he was in his living days. Like the other people on this list (not named Kenneth Kraus), Saint Valentine met his untimely demise on Valentine's Day, although the details of his death are muddied at best.
It is widely agreed that he died as a martyr at the hands of Roman emperor Claudius Gothicus, who was a staunch opposer of christianity. It is believed that the emperor took a liking to Valentine, while the priest was being held prisoner for spreading the christian faith. However, when Valentine tried to convert Claudius himself to christianity, the emperor grew enraged, sentencing the priest to death.
Soon afterward, on February the 14th, Valentine was beaten with clubs and stones, and finally beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate. Let that be a lesson to all eager guys out there, that sometimes an attempt to win someone to your side may put your head in unneeded danger this Valentine's Day. After all, it's only tradition.
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