The 8 Least Romantic Places To Take Your Date On Valentine's Day

Unless you want to spend Valentine’s Night alone, don’t screw this up.

1. A Fancy Italian Restaurant

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You thought you’d go traditional with a reservation at Buca di Beppo. Some candles, a bottle of wine, and a big plate of spaghetti, just like in Lady and the Tramp. Good idea, right? Wrong. Italian food is incredibly filling. And incredibly full people are scientifically proven to prefer sleep over sex. Trust science.

2. A Carnival

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You could win your date a teddy bear, ride the Ferris wheel, and smooch beneath the stars. Or you could waste $20 at bottle toss and then watch that clown you thought was kinda creepy turn out to be incredibly good-looking and show you up at bottle toss and steal your date. This could really happen to you.

3. Chuck E. Cheese's

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Ol’ Chucksters is known for many greasy things – greasy pizza, greasy animatronics, and greasy children – but greasy lovemaking is not one of them.

4. Da Club

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So you didn’t bring your SO to the club, per se. And you wouldn’t say you know your SO, per se. If you want to get really technical, your SO might be considered more of a RAND-O. Per se. But it’s Valentine’s Day, damn it, and you won’t be left out. Except now you’re in a sweaty mosh pit and everyone is wearing neon and the drugs you accepted from that guy in a beanie are starting to kick in and everything is fuzzy and is that Steve Aoki throwing cake at you?

5. Prison

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We don’t know what you did to get arrested on Valentine’s Day. You certainly didn’t mean to get arrested on Valentine’s Day. But there’s no reason you can’t salvage the holiday – isn’t that what conjugal visits are for? Not quite. Turns out your date is turned off by concrete walls and iron bars. But don’t lose hope. Your cellmate is lonely, too.

6. Westeros

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Westeros seems to have all the makings of a great medieval Valentine’s Day – castles, dragons, lords, and ladies. But it’s also full of treachery, murder, and ice zombies, none of which are particularly romantic. Actually, neither are dragons when they’re burning you and your goats to a crisp. Now you’re dead. Happy Valentine’s Day.

7. That Computer World From TRON

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You thought you’d use your missing dad’s computer to check up some last-minute restaurant reviews on Yelp. Bad move. Now you and your date are trapped in that geometric Tron wasteland. Sure, you both look good in light-up glow spandex. But now it’s time to duel and only one of you can come out alive. You blew it.

8. Your Place

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You were “kind of joking” when you suggested Netflix and chill, but not really. Now you’re that person who suggested Netflix and chill on VALENTINE’S DAY. Good luck living that down, you monster.

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So where the hell should you take your SO for a romantic Valentine’s Day? We have no idea. That’s why we’re single.