Content warning: This post contains mention of sexual abuse.
Parents can be far from perfect, and unfortunately, it's up to us kids to try and break the cycle. Recently, I asked parents of the BuzzFeed Community to share what they do for or teach their kids that their parents never did for them. Here are some of the most eye-opening and touching responses:
1. "I'm going to have 'the talk' with my kids. I think my parents hoped that my ultra-conservative school would have it with us, but *spoiler alert* they didn't. Not having 'the talk' set me up for lots of uncertainties, and I ended up sneaking around my parents a lot, too. Also, I won't be naive in thinking that my kids aren't drinking, smoking, partying, having sex, etc. I still can't get over some of the crap I was able to pull on my parents, and because I had to lie about it, I did some really dangerous stuff while trying to keep up with my story. Transparency will be key when my children are teenagers."
2. "For my kids, I’m saving money. They've had their own savings accounts since birth, and will eventually have their own stocks. I’ll educate them about finances and planning for the future, and once they're working, they’ll take over the savings and/or pension funds and pay into them. I had none of that and wasn’t taught a thing, and now I’m trying to set things up for myself in my 30s. My mother was on her own, and she did her best, but she’s made some bad decisions that have lead to her now getting another mortgage in her early 60s. The intention is that by the time they get there, my kids will be completely set up for retirement and live comfortably. I don’t ever want to demonize the act of spending money, but I hope my kids will understand the importance of supporting themselves, and consider what their financial priorities are in life."
3. "I make sure to hug my son and tell him I love him. I don’t remember ever being hugged, and it made me very uncomfortable with touch later in life. I know my parents loved me, but hearing them say it would’ve been nice. It took so much for me to say it to my mom when she was dying, and it shouldn’t have been hard. Sometimes I’ll get my son’s attention just to say, 'I love you,' and his face lights up every time. It’s the best."
4. "There are two things that I work very hard to make sure my daughter knows. The first thing is that 'No' is a full sentence and an acceptable answer. My mom would ask me to do something I didn't want to, and when I would say no, she would guilt trip and shame me into doing it anyway. I promised my daughter that if she ever says no, that is her answer. I refuse to make her grow up questioning all her decisions the way I did because my answer was never enough. The second thing I want my daughter to know is that blood does not mean family. Just because you are blood-related to someone doesn't mean they deserve a place in your life. She has seen her dad and me both try to fix relationships that ended in cutting the person off. She knows to speak up and try before just cutting someone off, but ultimately, it is okay to cut someone off when they continually treat you poorly or refuse to accept your boundaries."
5. "Be silly. My parents had me when they were in their 30s, and they were rarely ever playful or fun. I had my daughter when I was around 27, so it could be a stamina thing, but I try to just participate and enjoy every activity with them: dancing, running, giggling, jumping. I find myself shying away from events that engage me in physical and extroverted activities because I never experienced them while growing up. I want my daughter to feel free in expressing her happiness, even if it means being silly in public."
6. "My mom used to tell me 'no' for absolutely no reason. I would ask her why, and she would just respond, 'Because I said so.' Now that I'm a parent, I let my daughter do what she wants (within reason, obviously) if there's no reason why she shouldn't. If I have to tell her no, I explain why I have to say no. I should explain myself because using excuses like 'Because I'm the adult' or 'Because I said so' is just silly."
7. "I teach my kid that all emotions are okay, and that no emotion is inherently bad, weak, or wrong. It’s okay to be mad, and it's okay to be sad. Having a lack of emotional display does NOT equal strength. I had (and still have) big emotions; I feel things. When I was growing up, my parents had this saying: 'When a banana falls off the counter, it gets bruised. When a watermelon falls, nothing happens. Be the watermelon, not the banana.'"
8. "I will never show favoritism. My mother openly favored my brother. She would buy him presents and give them to him in front of me, so I acted out as a teen for attention. Both of my kids know that I love them and that I do my best to provide for both of them."
—Anonymous
9. "We couldn't ever afford to travel when I was growing up, so I've tried to take my kids traveling as much as possible, and show them how to navigate the airports and places we visit. After a while, I'd make them show ME how to get through airport security, find our gate, retrieve baggage, get to transportation, etc. My daughter recently celebrated her 18th birthday with a solo weekend trip to Denver that she booked (and paid for) completely on her own."
10. "When I was in seventh grade, I was given a flute solo for a band concert. Unfortunately, it was the same time as my mother's and sister's play practice for two non-speaking roles (they were wives in The King and I at a community college). To top it off, I had to wait until after 10:00 p.m. at school for a ride home. That situation taught me that I NEVER want my children to feel like they aren't important. I have NEVER missed anything they have participated in, whether it was a leading role or even just sitting on the bench. I will also never compete with them like I felt my mother did with me."
—SK, Midwest
11. "I show my daughter that I take care of myself, too! My mom never had her own hobbies and never relaxed, so it made me think that to be a good mom, I couldn't do those things either. I don't let household tasks take priority — I'll play with my daughter and let the dishes wait. I take an hour for myself to work out and do other things to show her that it's okay to take care of your own needs, too!"
12. "When I was growing up, I was not allowed to show anger, disappointment, or sadness. All of these emotions were seen as disrespect, and I was told to 'wipe the look off my face.' As I raise my child, I give her the space to experience negative emotions, even though it is challenging for me. I never learned how to properly express these types of emotions, so while I am encouraging her, I also feel like I'm learning more about myself. I remind myself that I'm not going to get it right all the time, but her having me as a safe space to work these tough feelings out will only better her communication in the future."
—Elisa, 40, Chicago
13. "I allow my son to take risks and give him the opportunity to make the right choice. As a child, my father instilled anxiety and paranoia in my sibling and me by over-exaggerating the dangers of a situation. If we stood at the end of a pier, we'd get shouted at to be careful and get back because we would fall in and drown. If we tried to climb a tree, we were told to come down because if we went too high up, we would fall and die. Even though my son is only a toddler, I make a conscious effort not to put my own anxiety on him. Instead, I warn him of the dangers and allow him to make his own decisions while being safely within arm's reach."
14. "Since her birth, I’ve made it a point to take my daughter outside — explore nature, play in the dirt, hike, paddle, etc. I grew up in the Lake Tahoe area, and my parents never took me out to enjoy the outdoors and its beauty, even though it was literally outside of our front door. Because of that, I make sure that my daughter gets to enjoy one of the few free things in life: nature and the outdoors. I encourage her to smell the flowers, climb trees, explore the woods, splash in the springs, jump in lakes, and whatever else."
—Anonymous
15. "I actually prepared my daughter for what to expect when she got her period. We had a conversation where she asked and I answered her questions. When it came to my period, my mother never said a word to me; I had to navigate and prepare on my own. I remember being young (pre-period), and my best friend showed me that her mom made her a 'period box.' It had every size and brand of pads you could think of, and I remember just being so jealous in that moment...all because of a period box. I remember thinking, 'Why didn’t my mom do this for me?' So after my conversation with my daughter, I gave her one. Three months later, she got her period, and she was so happy to have that box."
16. "I teach my kids how to identify inappropriate behaviors associated with sexual abuse or molestation. I have three young kids, and from the time they could understand and communicate, I've been teaching them that their body is their own. As they get older and can comprehend more, I'll tell them that I will never get mad at them for telling me if anyone ever touches them in a way that is uncomfortable to them. Also, I'll tell them that they have the right to say no to any sort of touch they don’t want."
"These are pretty much all the things I learned the hard way when I was six, and I didn’t tell my parents because I thought what happened was my fault, and I would get in trouble. My parents thought something like that would never happen to me because we were only around trusted family and friends, so they never discussed that kind of stuff. I had no idea what to do when it happened, and I wish my mom had sat me down and just told me that if anyone — no matter who it was — touched me or wanted me to touch them, it wasn't okay, and that I should and COULD say no without getting into trouble. I emphasize 'could' because I grew up being taught to be extremely respectful and obedient towards adults. It didn’t even cross my mind to say no."
—Anonymous
17. "I show up for almost everything. My parents never attended a sporting event, concert, or dance recital, and never really expressed enthusiasm or interest in the things I was doing. As long as I brought home decent grades and stayed out of trouble, they were pleased. They never cultivated any talents, curiosity or interests. They weren't absent, just indifferent. If it cost money, they wanted to see it result in something, like a career, but they also didn't believe that was possible. Investing in myself is still an internal battle I fight. I promised myself that, as a parent, I would encourage my children's interests, whether or not it led to a 'career.'"
18. "Whenever my daughter asks, 'Why is...?,' I always stop whatever I'm doing, no matter what it is, so I can listen and answer her. If I don't know the answer, we go and find out together. I always wanted to spark her curiosity and desire to learn, which is why ever since she was born, I read to her. When she was well-behaved, I'd get her a new book. She now has a master's degree and works at a university. She's only 34, but she tells me all the time that those memories of us are the best. I wish my parents had taken the time to listen and answer my questions."
—Joyce Buckland, 60, Lakewood, Colorado
19. "This has less to do with what my parents didn't do, but something I wish they hadn't done. Something I won't do in front of my kids is speak negatively about myself, especially about my appearance. Growing up, my mom was a whirlwind of fad diets, exercise crazes, and beauty and fashion trends — she was always trying to 'fix' everything she hated about herself. She never insulted me; in fact, she gave me many compliments. But as a child, I couldn't help but notice that I had those same traits she despised. Every problem she spoke about became glaringly obvious when I looked in the mirror, and soon I hated my body, too. A body that hadn't even hit puberty yet. The generational curse of poor body image and self-esteem will end with me."
20. "I teach my kids to do things for themselves, not just because I asked for it. I was taught to be task-oriented — finish this, move on to that, never have idle time, and always be productive. Everything, as I was taught, was a step towards something else. I want my children to be present in the moment and to enjoy what they are doing. I want them to learn to choose what makes them happy and fulfilled. My robotic, task-oriented world is so limited. If they need rest, I want them to understand that feeling and get that rest. If they want to paint themselves blue and orange, then so be it. As long as they are happy and healthy, I want them to do it. I want them to be self-aware of their feelings, needs, and desires, and work toward fulfilling them."
—Sue, New York
21. "I grew up in a very small town that didn't have a lot of options regarding school. My parents never had discussions with us about what life looked like after graduation. I was the first person on both sides of the family to go to college, and I had to navigate it all on my own. I was also a girl in a family that firmly believed in the stereotypes about the roles of women and men. My family couldn't understand why I wanted to leave our small town, because they thought it was my primary responsibility to the small-town boys to have children and take care of them. There was no exposure to what kind of jobs were out there, what it meant to go to college, how to determine a major — nothing."
22. "I'm honest. Yeah, it means I have to show my kids that I'm clueless about some things, we might run into some awkward health-related conversations, or I even might scare them a little about real consequences. But, they can ask me anything (where babies are from, what messed up thing I did when I was younger, etc.), and I'll give them the age-appropriate truth. If they want to believe in Santa, I don't crap on their happiness, but I don't say that I believe. My kids know I'll tell them the truth, and they don't get angry when I say, 'I'll tell you more when you're older,' because I always circle back. I love the a-ha! moments as they get older, too."
"Also, when I'm not happy, I don't hide it or refuse to talk it out. This is because of how I grew up. My parents were liars, and they were mean about it. My parents lied to everyone about everything. They lied about the hard parts of life and the parts they didn't want to explain — when they lost jobs, when they forgot birthdays, when people or pets died, why we didn't talk to family members, etc. My childhood was unstable, and I constantly doubted myself. I don't ever, ever want my kids to wonder why things feel wrong; I want them to know what's really going on."
—Kate
23. "I rarely had homemade dinners growing up. If we did have them, they were quick and easy meals like spaghetti and jar sauce (which I still use). Now as parents, we try to make a variety of home-cooked meals at least five or six nights a week."
24. "Man, I'm just going to always choose my son. My father never chose me. It was always work, a meeting, or some other obligation. I was never the priority in his life, and I'm still not. He’s in his 70s now. I choose to show my son that he matters to me every day by acknowledging him when he says something and choosing to be available and attentive. I want him to know that he matters to me, and will matter to me, for his whole life."
—Dave, 37
25. "I have two younger sons, and I am making sure they know how to clean up after themselves. I am trying to break the cycle; my husband had his mother practically do everything. He can do the things around the house, but he needs to be asked every time (he just doesn’t see the mess or just doesn’t take the initiative). I am showing my sons my expectation for very simple things, like making their beds daily and cleaning up after their breakfast."
26. "My parents were never supportive of what I wanted to do for a career. When I was younger, I wanted to be a teacher, but they told me not to because it pays terribly. It was very discouraging, so I did not pursue it. They weren't fully supportive of my efforts in school events, either, and they sometimes justified their lackluster interest by telling me that they'd already seen my older sister's science projects and art displays at school events, so they didn't need to see mine. With my own two now-grown children, I fully support them, together and apart, championing each one. I listen and encourage them to pursue whatever career or activity they want to pursue while being a sounding board for advice and reassurance. In the end, their careers are their choice, and I will help them achieve it and/or honestly discuss the pros and cons with them when they ask me for advice."
—Diana L., 57, Washington
27. "This may seem silly or trivial, but I make sure to take my kids to their dentist twice a year without fail. My parents stopped taking me to the dentist when I was about twelve, and, man, I have spent many years and thousands of dollars in dental work because of neglect when I was a teenager. That will not happen to my kids!"
28. "I'm giving my child the freedom to choose to follow a religion or not. I grew up in a very religious family; I was baptized in fourth grade. I didn't have a real knowledge of what it meant — I did it to make my mom and other older adults happy. I began pushing back in high school, and when I did, my differing thoughts about religion weren't respected. Once I moved out, I wrote off religion. I'm now an atheist (as is my husband), and it took me until I was 30 to be able to tell my mom. The only reason I told her was that I wasn't going to allow her to force my daughter into similar patterns, and I wanted her to respect our parenting choices on religion. My husband and I are letting our daughter decide for herself. She can choose to research religions and follow one if she likes, but we are raising her with an open mind so that she can respect others' cultural and religious beliefs."
—Anonymous, 30s, Colorado
29. And lastly: "I will never put a man before my kids. My mother constantly chose her boyfriend over me. One year, my best friend and I made Thanksgiving dinner by ourselves. We were only 16 at the time, and my mom was supposed to come. Her on-again-off-again boyfriend needed help at the last minute, so she never showed up to the dinner. I was so embarrassed. When I told her how hurt I was, she yelled at me and never apologized. She also missed my first fashion show because her boyfriend surprised her with a trip to Jamaica. I still hate her at times, but it taught me to never put my kids through something like that."
How are you breaking generational curses? What are some things you wish your parents had done for you? Let me know in the comments, or share your story using this Google form.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453 (4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.