I'm the eldest of four, and I honestly think that there should be a national day for us first-borns. Growing up, I was very much the "guinea pig child," so the way I was parented was very, very different from how my younger siblings were. The oldest sibling experience is so unique, and it can also be a little traumatizing. Recently, I asked the first-borns of the BuzzFeed Community to share their stories of growing up as the oldest child, and I can relate all too well to some of these. Here are some stories that'll either leave you in disbelief or nodding your head in agreement:
1. "As a lower-class first-generation immigrant, having to navigate adult responsibilities as a 7-year-old in a new country was traumatizing. I remember paying hundreds of dollars worth of bills over the phone since I was the only English-speaking family member, buying plane tickets, and handling important documents. To this day, even doing the simplest grown-up responsibilities will cause me to freeze up with anxiety, which leads to a lot of consequences."
2. "Being the oldest child is wanting to say 'fuck it and fuck you' to everyone and everything, but not being able to — because if you don't do the thing that needs to get done, who will? Being the oldest child is constantly hearing phrases like 'because you're older,' 'you have to set an example,' and 'you have to be the responsible one.' Being the oldest child is doing your best, but your best is never, EVER enough. You're the family therapist, peacekeeper, and spare parent all rolled into one. For context, I have a younger brother, and both of my parents are the younger siblings in their own families. I had a great childhood, and I love my family, but I've told them countless times that they'll never understand what it's like being the oldest."
3. "I was the oldest daughter, so my mom saw me as her best friend. I was constantly emotionally dumped on and was expected to be her rock when she was going through tough times. I never had an actual 'mother' figure. My younger siblings got a parent, and I got a friend."
4. "My parents had me in high school, and it was messy. When I was 6, I was running messages and paperwork between them because they couldn't stand each other. At 9, I was home alone with my 6-year-old brother making sure we were fed while mom worked her 12-hour shifts. Eventually, I moved in with my grandma. I was finally able to be a kid, right? Wrong. I got a job at 13 working under the table to pay medical bills so my parents didn't argue about insurance. When I was 14, my aunt got sick, so my grandma left me for two years to look over my three cousins while she stayed at the hospital. Meanwhile, my dad had two boys and coached Little League. He couldn't even come to my softball games. In fact, many people didn't even know he had a daughter. Now, I'm 26, and this is the first time I didn't work a second job. I have a husband, and a house, and I protect my peace like it's gold, because for me, it is. Gotta love being the oldest, right?"
—Anne, 26
5. "Getting the 'unhealed' version of my parents while my siblings got the more relaxed and empathetic parents. At 25, I still cannot be around my family for more than three days max because I can't stand seeing how differently my parents treat my siblings than me. My dad won't admit it, but my mom has started taking accountability and has apologized. She's tried making it up to me, but it doesn't erase what I went through. In my mom's words: 'I did the best that I could at the time.' But sometimes, someone's best isn't enough, and I deserved better. I still love my parents and see them pretty regularly, but not living with them is the best thing I can do for our relationship and my mental health."
6. "My mom was single when I was born, so while she was establishing her life, I grew up alongside her. When my sisters were born, my mom was married to my stepdad, and they had a good income and a house. My sisters got to be there for the good chapter of my mom's life, while I was there for the hard chapter. My sisters will never know my mom the way I do. Since having me, she's changed A LOT. Before she became a mom to my sisters and a wife to my stepdad, I knew her when she was just Laura."
7. "When I was born, my family was in intense poverty. We were always dangerously close to getting evicted, and we lived in a very small apartment in a dangerous area. We often found ourselves in soup kitchens and community pantries to get by. But then, after my father got a hold on his alcoholism and my mom got a new job, our circumstances started to turn around. By the time my sister was born, we were lower-middle class. Money was still tight, but we didn't have to worry about being unhoused or where our next meal would come from. At that point, I was 8. I love my sister — I love her so, so much. But the way she treats me and acts with money has made it clear that she doesn't realize the poverty we were living in."
8. "Gen X'er here. As the oldest, I'm responsible for EVERYTHING. My brother, who's 12 years younger, called me his second mom because I took care of him just as much, or even more than our mom did. I was also responsible for my sister, who is five years younger than me. I was in charge of keeping them entertained and out of trouble. I often had to go without certain things so that my younger siblings could enjoy new clothes, shoes, and more. And, of course, I was the babysitter every weekend as well. Now that we're all older, I'm now responsible for my aging mother. I get so overwhelmed at times that I can't stop crying."
9. "How mental health was treated. My sister definitely got a much more understanding and loving approach from my parents when she was going through a mental health crisis. It's not that my parents didn't care or love me, but they just didn't get it. I was handled a lot more roughly in comparison, and though it sucks to compare, I really do wish I was given the same grace."
10. "I'm the eldest daughter of five siblings, and I have one older brother who is fully related to me. I have a half-brother and sister on my dad's side, and another half-sister on my mom's. It was never explicitly said, but I was the kid my parents had to save the marriage. However, they've been divorced since I was 2, so the parentification was real. And it wasn't just with my siblings, but with my parents and step-parents, too. I always had to be the bigger person, which, looking back, is so wild. I'd never tell my younger siblings what their parents did to me, but I have to remind them sometimes that we experienced very different lives growing up — we are not the same. Our parents were children raising other children."
11. "I'm the oldest of five and am the only daughter. While my parents were objectively good parents, I was definitely the 'guinea pig child.' My parents have learned so much over the years: when to apply pressure and when to ease up, understanding a healthy school-social life balance, going about college applications, etc. And while I understand that they needed to make some mistakes to get to that point, I still wish I hadn't been on the receiving end of them. My parents are extremely education-oriented, and in the past, have had some rather unrealistic expectations regarding grades, awards, college acceptances, and the like. So throughout high school and most of college, I felt like I was under so much pressure that I just couldn't live up to. I felt like a failure for so long."
12. "Mom was young and unmarried when she had me, so I spent my first few years bopping around with her. She lived with friends, lived with family, took odd jobs, met new people, got married, then got divorced. By the time my sibling showed up, my mom was a bit more mature, and the whole situation was more stable. I didn't realize how the frequent changes in those early years with my mom impacted me until I was an adult. My siblings remember their upbringing in a more positive light; meanwhile, I'm still trying to understand and work through how I show up in my relationships."
—Anonymous
13. "I think most of my issues are self-imposed and are based on what I feel my parents expect out of me. They definitely have high expectations in some areas, but I regularly put way too much pressure on myself. My younger sister and I are both in our early 20s, and we both live at home. Our mother is chronically ill, and our father is great, but he's kind of distant and unaccustomed to helping with the housework since he works full-time. When my mom is particularly unwell, I feel the pressure to step into her shoes and take care of all of the family's needs, in addition to my own job and personal needs. The mental weight of trying to balance my needs and everyone else's is exhausting and unsustainable, but I feel like my family will not be able to function if I don't take on more than I can emotionally handle."
14. "My youth wasn't terrible, but I was definitely the 'guinea pig child.' My parents would try a rule on me, then forget all about it when it came to my sister. For example, when I was 14, I was friends with a boy. It wasn't romantic, but I wasn't allowed to go to his house for any reason, and he was only allowed to come over if one of my parents was there. Because of that, I had to lie and sneak around so I could hang out with him. Well, when my sister turned 12, she became friends with a boy, but suddenly, there were no restrictions on when she could see him and who had to be present. It was like that with everything and anything."
15. "When I turned 16, my parents divorced. My mom got very ill and was close to death. While she did her best, I would often need help taking care of my younger brother (he was 10 at the time), in addition to trying to keep up with school and my own life. This caused me to lose a lot of my friends because I wasn't able to attend the parties and events everyone else went to. I feel like I was never given the chance to process the stress of my parents' divorce and my mom's illness because I was so caught up in worrying about my brother. Anytime I brought up my feelings, I was told, 'Think about how your brother feels. This is really hard on him.' When I was 21, my mom remarried and had another child. It was at this time that I decided to move out because I was worried I was going to have to end up taking care of yet another sibling."
16. "I have a lot of stories that could be seen as 'oldest child trauma,' but I have a lot more happy memories of my siblings from when they were infants to now that I will forever be grateful for. Being the oldest, and a daughter at that, came with a lot more responsibilities than most kids have, but I also get to remember more because I'm the oldest. Yes, being considered a second mom has its downfalls, but it also shaped who I am today, and taught me life and parenting skills that I view as priceless."
17. "I am the oldest of four. Neither of my parents went to college, so by the time I was in middle school, I was completely on my own for anything school-related. Even so, I was expected to help my siblings with their homework if my parents didn't understand it. By the time I was in high school and was thinking about college, I was told to just 'figure it out,' because my parents had absolutely no clue how to help me, and were too stubborn to ask for it. While all of this made me into a very independent young adult, it shouldn't have happened so young. I still struggle to not automatically become the 'parent' in social settings, even when I'm out with friends. It's also really difficult for me to ask for and accept help from others after having to figure most things out on my own for so long."
18. "Oldest sister here. My younger sister was allowed to get away with saying hurtful things to me because I was older and was supposed to be the 'bigger person.' She called me fat A LOT, with no repercussions from my parents. One day, she loudly and bluntly commented on my weight in public, and my mother didn't say anything. As calm and collectedly as an 11-year-old can, I told my mom that if my sister called and said anything about my weight one more time, I'd hit her. It never happened again. The pattern of being forced to be 'the bigger person' never went away."
—Anonymous
19. "My parents had me straight out of college. I have two siblings who are three and eight years younger than me. My parents would go out partying a lot when I was younger, so I had to spend all night with my siblings. I'd make them dinner, make sure their homework was done, and take care of them when they were sick. While growing up, I never went out on holidays or weekends because I had to make sure that my parents and their friends made it home alright. One summer, when I was 13, I spent my entire break babysitting my younger siblings while my parents worked. I made up summer camp games for them, helped organize play dates with their friends, cooked, and cleaned. My youngest sibling was way too young to remember much, but my middle sibling still talks about how that summer in particular was one of the best they've ever had. At least we all weren't miserable."
20. "I'm an older woman now, but this still affects me. Both my younger sister and I have autism and depression. Because she was the youngest, my parents noticed that something was 'different' about her quicker than they did me, so my parents worked faster to get her help. If I ever complained, I was lectured. They'd tell me stuff like: 'At least you're like everyone else,' 'At least you're not sad all the time,' and 'At least you're not like your little sister.' Well, I do, I did, and I am. But even now, my sister is in a mentally healthier place than I probably ever will be. And that's hard to confront, accept, and process."
—Carthy, 62, Washington, DC
21. "My dad left, and my mama had an alcohol addiction, so taking care of my little brother and sister fell on me. Here's the thing, though: They're twins who are just one year younger than me. I was 6 comforting my crying 5-year-old sister, and 8 telling my 7-year-old brother to go to bed. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now that I'm grown, it breaks my heart. I never really had the chance to be a child. To be a girl. My siblings are really sweet and understanding, and they've helped me unpack these feelings. I love them, and I'm so glad they came into my life, but I wish taking care of them wasn't always my job."
22. "I'm the oldest of three, with about six years spacing us apart. We grew up poor — electricity shut off regularly, there was barely any food at home, and the like. My mother simply wouldn't work. By the time my brother and sister were a little older, things eased up a bit. We still struggled, but not in the way I remember. There was obvious favoritism. But, because I tried keeping my head held high, my siblings don't remember this. According to them, we had a decent life."
23. Finally: "I'm the oldest of seven children. I was definitely pushed into a parental role at a young age and was subjected to several traumatic experiences throughout my childhood. Because of that, I was shamed and ignored by my parents, which in turn caused me to develop a strong relationship with my siblings. I was seen as the maternal figure, and I wasn't allowed to break down or make mistakes since all of my siblings were relying on me to 'set a good example.' This set me up for a lifetime of perfectionism and one-sided relationships. I would seek out partners who needed 'mothering' because that was the only way I knew how to show affection. Whenever I made mistakes or was close to burning out, I would spiral down into a dark place and lash out."
"When I had my son, people said that I was finally a mom with an actual baby instead of just a mom. To this day, I still have trouble relying on other adults in my life, because adults were never reliable for me. I've worked really hard to set boundaries with my mother, but I will always crave the support of the maternal figure I never received as a child."
—Anonymous
Fellow oldest siblings — especially oldest daughters — I feel you, and I see you. If you're the oldest and want to share your experience, feel free to comment below or use this anonymous form. Or, if you're the youngest or middle child, feel free to share your stories as well!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.