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18 "Italian" Foods Served In America That Send Chills Throughout Italy

You've been lied to about Italian food your whole life.

Buongiorno fellow Americans. I've come to serve you a steaming dish of harsh reality. A truth so hard to swallow, you'll be left feeling like this:

I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray!!!

Both of my parents grew up in Italy, and they've been waiting a long time to communicate the suffering they've endured from merely glancing at Italian-American restaurant menus. Here are Leslie and Mark in all their miserable glory:

Hopefully I can help ease some of their pain by informing you all that...

1. People do not eat spaghetti and meatballs in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "I have one reaction only; as the Italians would say: 'che schifo' (translation: how disgusting!!!)"

2. People do not eat chicken or veal parmesan in Italy.

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My dad's reaction: "Better leave it to the cats in the Coliseum."

3. People do not eat chicken in pasta in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "What foreign body is lurking in my pasta??"

4. People do not eat chicken on pizza in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "I think Italians would rather starve than taste such a concoction."

5. People do not eat Italian dressing in Italy.

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My dad's reaction: "Only if it can be used as fuel for the Fiat 500."

6. People do not eat garlic bread in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "I happen to love it, but it's as Italian as apple pie!"

7. People do not eat baked ziti in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "In Italy it's actually 'pasta al forno,' but that's a whole different animal..."

8. People do not eat penne alla vodka in Italy.

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My dad's reaction: "Bring on the red vino. We don't do potato alcohol in Rome!"

9. People do not eat sausage and onions in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "I'm totally speechless. No words to describe how unappetizing this is."

10. People do not eat pizza rolls in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "WHY??"

11. People do not eat mozzarella sticks in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "To pack in American children's lunchboxes because it's healthier than chicken nuggets...maybe??" Okay mom I'm gonna disagree with you there.

12. People do not eat Italian wedding soup with pasta in it in Italy.

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My dad's reaction: "I've never even heard of that."

13. People do not eat Caesar salad in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "Caesar would roll over in his grave."

14. People do not eat pepperoni in Italy. No, not even on pizza.

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My mom's reaction: "Ma dai (translation: you're shitting me!)

My dad's reaction: "That red dye #3 with some unknown animal parts and a bit of Tabasco should have been banned by the FDA years ago."

15. People do not say "shrimp scampi" in Italy. That's like saying "shrimp shrimp." They just eat "scampi."

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My mom's reaction: "Scampi in Italy is one of the most delicious dishes ever — I have never tasted anything that even comes close to it in the states."

16. People do not eat spaghetti carbonara with bacon bits in Italy. It has pancetta, an entirely different part of the pig.

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My dad's reaction: "Spaghetti carbonara doesn't need a descriptor following it and bacon bits are not the same as pancetta."

17. People do not eat cheesecake made with cream cheese in Italy.

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My mom's reaction: "Only one kind of cheesecake in Italy and that is ricotta cheesecake — cheesecake made from cream cheese is not an option."

18. People do not eat macaroni and cheese in Italy.

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My dad's reaction: "As far as I know, Kraft does not operate in Italy."