There’s An Unlicensed “Frozen” App Where You Deliver Anna’s Baby

Let it grow. It’s free, it’s insane, and we played it so you don’t have to.

1. It’s called Anna Giving Birth, and it’s an unlicensed game where Anna from Frozen is pregnant — and it’s up to you to deliver her child.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Yeah.

2. The first thing you see in the game is this distorted psychedelic parrot.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

In lieu of a title card or developer credits you get this stretched-out Lisa Frank-esque macaw on a field of not-quite Circus Peanut orange.

3. We then cut to a scrapbook montage of Anna and Kristoff’s courtship, wedding, and implicit sexual union. In the final slide Anna is positively glowing in the final months of her pregnancy.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Literally glowing, because everything in this game is literally glowing. Oddly seductive, public-domain, smooth jazz is playing under this scene and continues to loop through the entire game.

4. Then the game begins. A very pregnant Anna lies before you, stomach exposed. A bouncing cursor indicates toward the “Foetus ECG Monitor.”

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Like newborns ourselves, we are thrust into a world where childbirth in a pre-industrial Nordic feudal state is reliant upon both technology and magic.

5. A sort of helpful cursor indicates you should drag the monitor to her stomach and kind of move it around.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

The heart indicator gradually fills up with blue.

6. Next the bouncing cursor indicates a hypodermic needle — and a red X on Anna’s vein.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Wait no but

7. Anna smiles lifelessly as you ease the epidural into her bloodstream.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

This is happening. You are injecting a Disney Princess with a hypodermic needle on your telephone. Perhaps you are on the train.

8. Good thumnsnight, Anna.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

The thumbs-up in the corner approves. The cursor next indicates one of a series of magical, glowing orbs. You know — childbirth orbs.

9. This is a good time to mention that non-skippable ads pop up if you stop playing the game, even for a second.

Game of War: Fire Age / Via Machine Zone Inc.

Why, that’s Kate Upton! Hello, Kate Upton! Do you know where you are right now? How could you? How could anyone have predicted things would come to this?

10. In maybe the first and only Frozen-y part of the game, you drag the first orb across Anna’s stomach to apparently freeze it for some reason. She develops an icy patch over her belly.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Anna, you of all people should know it is not a good idea to Frozen your baby. The whole movie is basically about you getting Frozened and Unfrozened.

11. Now it wants you to pick up the scalpel. The scalpel.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Sexy, royalty-free computer jazz is still playing as you select the scalpel and — as with everything else — drag it to Anna’s general belly area.

12. You are now performing a cesarean section on Anna from Frozen.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Your delicate incision with the glowing scalpel leaves a magenta-colored opening in her stomach. According to WebMD, some reasons for choosing a C-section over vaginal birth could include fetal breech positioning, an especially large or multiple fetuses, or maternal diseases that could become exacerbated by the stress of labor.

13. Here’s an ad for a game about cool cars.

Racing Rivals / Via Cie Games

Vroom, vroom, download now.

14. Anna now has a hot-pink wound on her pregnant stomach. The bouncing cursor indicates midwifery orb No. 2.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

How much time has passed? Five minutes? Fifteen years? How long has Anna been asleep? How do you know you’re even awake?

15. HEY COOL WHAT IS GOING ON

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

THE ORB DECIDES WHO SHALL ENTER THIS WORLD AND WHO SHALL DEPART IT
THERE IS NO FATE IN THIS LIFE, NO TRUTH, NO CHANCE
THERE IS ONLY THE WILL OF THE ORB

16. Success! The glowing orb extracts a baby from Anna’s abdominal incision. But no time to celebrate yet — the cursor wants you to use the scalpel again. It wants you to use the scalpel on the baby.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Are you going to harm the baby?

17. You are not going to harm the baby. Instead, you cut the umbilical cord.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

The groovy soundtrack is now supplemented with crying baby noises, but anyone can see that the baby is not crying. Anyone can see this.

18. Disembodied floating hands abscond with the crying-not-crying baby while Anna remains blissfully unconscious with a magical orb resting in her abdomen.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

She has never seen her child.

19. Kate Upton again.

Game of War: Fire Age / Via Machine Zone Inc.

Hi, Kate Upton.

20. Now for the final stage in any childbirth — using a magic wand to heal the cesarean incision, leaving a scar-free, perfectly toned stomach underneath.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Little girls need to know that childbirth is fun, painless, and free of consequence.

21. A starburst transition suddenly fills the screen.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Because more glowing.

22. The disembodied hands carry the baby to what appears to be a digital cooking scale in someone’s kitchen.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

You tap the scale to find out how big a baby you made. Maybe this is your score? Do future attempts result in larger babies? Let’s not find out.

Update: The baby is always the same weight.

23. The baby is placed on a bed. It has sticky, non-slip bathtub flowers concealing its genitalia.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Or possibly sea anemones.

24. The cursor instructs you on how to swaddle the baby, to keep the baby warm and to hide the baby’s shame.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

It is easily one of the most advanced blanket-folding simulations you will ever try.

25. Success! The baby is so warm that the size of its head has grown 20%.

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

The baby makes cooing noises. Its face does not move or change.

26. You win! Anna, now awake, looks at her newborn child with uncertainty as if to say, “Something’s not right. That’s not my baby. Where’s my baby?”

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

Kristoff appears similarly unprepared for fatherhood, as confining as the ill-fitting royal garb that the life he married into demands. He realizes too late that wealth, too, is a kind of slavery, and he longs to feel the snow collecting in his beard, and to walk long, flawless rivers of ice. Two weeks hence, he will be gone in the night.

The baby, for its part, appears too stupid to ever to be unhappy. Each day, Anna will wonder if it’s too late to leave the child to the trolls, as it mindlessly bangs a wooden block against its chubby thigh. She and Elsa will grow distant once more, the responsibilities of parenthood and the monarchy creeping like a frost on their patience with each other. Family was their first palace and their first prison, and alone together, they will once again succumb to the cold.

27. Thank You!

Anna Giving Birth / Via Developer: Oleg Vinogorodov

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