1. It’s called Anna Giving Birth, and it’s an unlicensed game where Anna from Frozen is pregnant — and it’s up to you to deliver her child.
2. The first thing you see in the game is this distorted psychedelic parrot.
In lieu of a title card or developer credits you get this stretched-out Lisa Frank-esque macaw on a field of not-quite Circus Peanut orange.
3. We then cut to a scrapbook montage of Anna and Kristoff’s courtship, wedding, and implicit sexual union. In the final slide Anna is positively glowing in the final months of her pregnancy.
Literally glowing, because everything in this game is literally glowing. Oddly seductive, public-domain, smooth jazz is playing under this scene and continues to loop through the entire game.
4. Then the game begins. A very pregnant Anna lies before you, stomach exposed. A bouncing cursor indicates toward the “Foetus ECG Monitor.”
Like newborns ourselves, we are thrust into a world where childbirth in a pre-industrial Nordic feudal state is reliant upon both technology and magic.
5. A sort of helpful cursor indicates you should drag the monitor to her stomach and kind of move it around.
The heart indicator gradually fills up with blue.
6. Next the bouncing cursor indicates a hypodermic needle — and a red X on Anna’s vein.
Wait no but
7. Anna smiles lifelessly as you ease the epidural into her bloodstream.
This is happening. You are injecting a Disney Princess with a hypodermic needle on your telephone. Perhaps you are on the train.
8. Good thumnsnight, Anna.
The thumbs-up in the corner approves. The cursor next indicates one of a series of magical, glowing orbs. You know — childbirth orbs.
9. This is a good time to mention that non-skippable ads pop up if you stop playing the game, even for a second.
Why, that’s Kate Upton! Hello, Kate Upton! Do you know where you are right now? How could you? How could anyone have predicted things would come to this?
10. In maybe the first and only Frozen-y part of the game, you drag the first orb across Anna’s stomach to apparently freeze it for some reason. She develops an icy patch over her belly.
Anna, you of all people should know it is not a good idea to Frozen your baby. The whole movie is basically about you getting Frozened and Unfrozened.
11. Now it wants you to pick up the scalpel. The scalpel.
Sexy, royalty-free computer jazz is still playing as you select the scalpel and — as with everything else — drag it to Anna’s general belly area.
12. You are now performing a cesarean section on Anna from Frozen.
Your delicate incision with the glowing scalpel leaves a magenta-colored opening in her stomach. According to WebMD, some reasons for choosing a C-section over vaginal birth could include fetal breech positioning, an especially large or multiple fetuses, or maternal diseases that could become exacerbated by the stress of labor.
13. Here’s an ad for a game about cool cars.
Vroom, vroom, download now.
14. Anna now has a hot-pink wound on her pregnant stomach. The bouncing cursor indicates midwifery orb No. 2.
How much time has passed? Five minutes? Fifteen years? How long has Anna been asleep? How do you know you’re even awake?
15. HEY COOL WHAT IS GOING ON
THE ORB DECIDES WHO SHALL ENTER THIS WORLD AND WHO SHALL DEPART IT
THERE IS NO FATE IN THIS LIFE, NO TRUTH, NO CHANCE
THERE IS ONLY THE WILL OF THE ORB
16. Success! The glowing orb extracts a baby from Anna’s abdominal incision. But no time to celebrate yet — the cursor wants you to use the scalpel again. It wants you to use the scalpel on the baby.
Are you going to harm the baby?
17. You are not going to harm the baby. Instead, you cut the umbilical cord.
The groovy soundtrack is now supplemented with crying baby noises, but anyone can see that the baby is not crying. Anyone can see this.
18. Disembodied floating hands abscond with the crying-not-crying baby while Anna remains blissfully unconscious with a magical orb resting in her abdomen.
She has never seen her child.
19. Kate Upton again.
Hi, Kate Upton.
20. Now for the final stage in any childbirth — using a magic wand to heal the cesarean incision, leaving a scar-free, perfectly toned stomach underneath.
Little girls need to know that childbirth is fun, painless, and free of consequence.
21. A starburst transition suddenly fills the screen.
Because more glowing.
22. The disembodied hands carry the baby to what appears to be a digital cooking scale in someone’s kitchen.
You tap the scale to find out how big a baby you made. Maybe this is your score? Do future attempts result in larger babies? Let’s not find out.
Update: The baby is always the same weight.
23. The baby is placed on a bed. It has sticky, non-slip bathtub flowers concealing its genitalia.
Or possibly sea anemones.
24. The cursor instructs you on how to swaddle the baby, to keep the baby warm and to hide the baby’s shame.
It is easily one of the most advanced blanket-folding simulations you will ever try.
25. Success! The baby is so warm that the size of its head has grown 20%.
The baby makes cooing noises. Its face does not move or change.
26. You win! Anna, now awake, looks at her newborn child with uncertainty as if to say, “Something’s not right. That’s not my baby. Where’s my baby?”
Kristoff appears similarly unprepared for fatherhood, as confining as the ill-fitting royal garb that the life he married into demands. He realizes too late that wealth, too, is a kind of slavery, and he longs to feel the snow collecting in his beard, and to walk long, flawless rivers of ice. Two weeks hence, he will be gone in the night.
The baby, for its part, appears too stupid to ever to be unhappy. Each day, Anna will wonder if it’s too late to leave the child to the trolls, as it mindlessly bangs a wooden block against its chubby thigh. She and Elsa will grow distant once more, the responsibilities of parenthood and the monarchy creeping like a frost on their patience with each other. Family was their first palace and their first prison, and alone together, they will once again succumb to the cold.
27. Thank You!
- Donald Trump promised insurance for everyone this weekend, but Senate Republicans say they assume he misspoke.
- President Barack Obama shortened Chelsea Manning's 35-year sentence for leaking documents to WikiLeaks. She'll be freed in May.
- Blue Lies Matter: Video finally proved that police officers lie — and why they get away with it.
- A Toronto man is on a mission to bathe at a different stranger's house every day this month. And so far, so good 🛀