This Is What It's Like To Watch "Harry Potter" For The First Time

    Wood! Balls! Murder! I can't believe I waited this long.

    I was 18 when the first Harry Potter film came out. I thought I was too old, too cool, and decided I'd never watch the films or read the books.

    "What. An. Idiot."

    So, almost 13 years after the first film was released, I finally watched it. I also live-tweeted the whole thing.

    I've never read any of the books or seen the films: Harry Potter and the Philosopher/Sorcerer's Stone, here we go.

    At 31, I boarded the Hogwarts Express to Pottertown. Here is what I learned.

    The film opens with a man in a pointy hat, a woman in a pointy hat, and Giant Robbie Coltrane kidnapping a baby.

    Kidnappings always make Giant Robbie Coltrane sad.

    "This boy will be famous, there won't be a child in the world who won't know his name. So let's leave him on this doorstep."

    The title card confirms I am watching a film about a boy wizard, and not something about human trafficking.

    Then we meet Harry Potter. He's now 11.

    He makes faces like this.

    And this.

    He lives with his aunt and his Uncle Richard Griffiths. They are Muggles.


    They make Harry live in a cupboard under the stairs.

    There seems to be a fair amount of child abuse going on thus far.

    Uncle Richard Griffiths hates Harry. But he hates it even more when Harry gets letters. He tries to kill the letters with fire.

    Uncle Richard Griffiths loves Sundays because "no post on Sundays!" But the mail owls haven't organised into a union and therefore work Sundays.

    To keep Harry from the letters, Uncle Richard Griffiths quite reasonably moves the entire family to a remote lighthouse where no one can find them.

    Except Giant Robbie Coltrane, who comes to the rescue.

    "A wizard? I'm...just Harry. Just Harry."

    Then Giant Robbie Coltrane threatens Uncle Richard Griffiths with an umbrella, and kidnaps Harry again.


    Giant Robbie Coltrane takes Harry to 1800s London to shop for school supplies.

    The War Doctor is there, selling wands.

    But he's dressed as the Third Doctor.

    Harry tries a couple of wands until he finds one that is thematically connected to the guy who murdered his parents, obvs.

    Also it turns out Harry is legit a billionaire.

    Giant Robbie Coltrane tells Harry how he got his scar.

    "Voldemort... tried... to... kill... me... ?" - DanRad skipped Hogwarts and went to the Shatner School of Dramatic Arts.

    Then he jumps through a wall and gets on a train, where he meets his new BFF, Ron.

    "I'm Ron. Ron Weasley. I always introduce myself by saying only my first name, followed by both my first and last names. You try it."

    "I'm Harry. Harry Potter. Wow, yeah that's a really cool way to say your name."

    "Harry Potter?! Weren't you kidnapped twice?"

    "Yes but I'm legit a billionaire now. Here, let me buy your friendship."

    Harry just handed over several thousand pounds worth of gold for some sweets.

    Then Emma Watson shows up.

    "Emma Watson?"

    She fixes Harry's glasses, and he realises he should have made friends by doing magic instead of spending several thousand pounds on sweets.

    Hermione: How to fix glasses and influence people.

    Six hours into the film, we finally arrive at Hogwarts.

    Once inside we meet Draco Hair Gel and his band of shade throwers.

    And we are reminded that Hermione knows everything.

    And also that she really loves to enunciate.

    And also that her shade game is strong.

    Hans Gruber!

    Something about a Sorting Hat. I really needed the bathroom at this point.

    They go to some classes. Like Maggie Smith's "How to do a delightful Scottish accent" class.

    And Alan Rickman's "Talk without moving your lips 101".

    No-one in this film is having more fun than Alan Rickman. "If you possess... the pre...dis...position..." #finallywatchingHP

    Harry discovers he is good at flying, which leads us to the highlight of the film this far: this hunk.

    Wood shows Harry his balls.

    Wrestles his balls.

    And generally schools him in the ways of sportsball.

    "Not bad Potter. You'd make a fair beater." LOL #finallywatchingHP


    Meanwhile, in class.

    When Ron is rude, Hermione runs away. Only Neville knows where she is.

    P.S. Neville looks like this now.


    Anyway, now they are all friends. Time for...

    This is the captain of the opposing team. He's a bad guy. You can tell because he has bad teeth.


    Harry spends most of the game showing us his acting range.

    During the game Hermione decides to protest against the patriarchy, and sets a dude on fire.

    "Make a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a while. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." – Hermione #finallywatchingHP

    At which point Harry swallows the ball and wins the game.

    The game is followed by a bunch of exposition.

    Ron is good at chess! I bet this will not come in handy ever. #finallywatchingHP

    And then it's Christmas, because magic. Ron gets a sweater with an R on it for some reason.

    Harry gets an invisibility cloak, because plot.

    Hermione gets more shade to throw.

    She tries to move the plot on a bit by enunciating some more, but this just gets them in detention.

    Detention is in the Dark Forest with Giant Robbie Coltrane.

    "The Dark Forest? Isn't it dark in there? And foresty?"

    I do not anticipate the trip into the "Dark Forest" encountering any problems. #finallywatchingHP

    Giant Robbie Coltrane fingers a unicorn.

    "Go on, smell my fingers!"

    After which the gang split up for some reason.

    Splitting up never ends badly #finallywatchingHP

    Harry is great to have around, because his scar hurts when it's about to rain.

    @wordsbydan It's like he has ESPN or something

    Oh look! The bad guy!


    "Hi Harry! I'm a centaur, I'm here to explain the plot to your for a few minutes. Then I'll be off." #finallywatchingHP

    The next day, the gang try to do a badass walk. Hermione nails it, but Harry is messing it up for Ron.

    Oh yeah, the plot.

    "As long as Dumbledore is around, you're safe" HANDS UP IF YOU THINK DUMBLEDORE IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY #finallywatchingHP

    "I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore isn't here."

    "You want to be careful. People will think you're..."

    "...UP to something."

    Approx. 18 hours after the film started, the gang decide to get on with the big finale and sneak out. Neville tries to stop them with his pyjamas.

    TIL Three children can move a the paw of a giant dog, presumably weighing as much as a car, with little effort. #finallywatchingHP

    Then things get weird.

    Hermione has read about tentacle porn in a book, and knows the exact spell for this situation.

    "It's a chessboard!"

    "You don't suppose this will be like real wizard's chess, do you?"

    It's all fun and games until Ron legitimately gets hit in the face by shrapnel.

    Seriously, look. Here it is in slow motion.

    It was Ian Hart the whole time!

    "Stop just standing there with your arms by your sides, it's really unnerving."

    "You mean like this?"

    "Yes it's really unnerving. Right, fuck this shit, I'm taking off my turban."

    Turbans: good for when there is a person growing out of the back of your head.

    My name is Harry, Harry Potter. You killed my mother and father. Prepare to die!

    Um. Then Harry Potter legit murders a dude.

    Dumbledore rewards his crime with jelly beans.

    "Here Harry, you legit just murdered a dude. Have some sweets." #finallywatchingHP

    "With the stone gone, does that mean Voldemort can never come back?"

    "Nope, there are seven more films to go!"

    "We were going to give the house cup to Slytherin, but Harry Potter legit murdered a dude, so Gryffindor wins!"

    "Do you think we'll get to kill things next year?"



    In conclusion, I'm a Potter convert. I now understand 90% more of the internet, and can't believe it took me this long to start watching them.

    Chamber of Secrets, anyone?