For the past couple of months, I've been watching the Harry Potter films for the first time. This week I watched Deathly Hallows: Part 1, and tweeted my thoughts.
The film opens with the Minister for Magic making a passionate speech about something.
Hermione uses a memory charm on her parents, erasing herself from their memories for their safety.
Harry says a far less sentimental goodbye to the Dursleys.
Ron just has some dinner or something.
Snape goes to tea with Voldemort and friends.
"I have no fucking idea, Severus."
Voldemort needs a new wand, because his can't kill Harry for some reason.
He uses the wand to kill the Muggle Studies teacher from Hogwarts, and then feeds her to his snake.
Meanwhile, the gang goes round to Harry's house for cuddles.
The Order of the Phoenix turns up with a plan to smuggle Harry to safety: Plot Juice Potion!
The gang teams up in pairs, one Harry with each member of the Order, to throw the Death Eaters off the scent.
But it's a trap!
Hedwig tries to protect Harry, but she is hit by a killing curse.
Voldemort attacks Harry, but luckily his new wand is shit and it explodes, allowing Harry to escape.
Back at the Weasleys', Lupin grabs Harry and tests him with a question.
"What do you mean? African or European swallow?"
Harry and Ron talk about Horcruxes in a field.
The Minister for Magic rocks up to read Gambondore's will. Because that's what Ministers do.
Ron gets Gambondore's Deluminator, Hermione gets a book, obviously, and Harry gets...a snitch?
At the reception, Harry meets Luna's dad, Xenophilius Lovegood, who is played by Rhys Ifans and sounds like he named himself.
And then Harry gets stuck at a table with old people.
Oh yes, plot: Death Eaters attack the wedding, and Hermione apparates them to Shaftsbury Avenue.
Looking for a place to hide, they head to Sirius' house.
Kreacher is there, and tells them that Regulus did indeed have the real Horcrux, but that someone stole it.
Meanwhile the Death Eaters are out looking for Harry.
Neville tells him to fuck off.
Also at some point Bill Nighy was killed and the new Minister for Magic looks like a shit magician/MRA.
Umbridge is there, giggling like a psychotic Jigglypuff.
At the Black House, Hermione is teaching Ron how to press the right keys.
Kreacher reappears, having tracked down and captured the thief of the locket, Mundungus Fletcher.
Mundungus, the Del Boy of Diagon Alley, said he had the locket, but that a witch from the Ministry confiscated it.
"Coincidentally, that's her right there, on the front of this newspaper that you happen to have lying around."
Time to break into the Ministry, courtesy of more Plot Juice Potion and three grown adults who are easily overpowered by teenagers.
The entrance to the Ministry is via a toilet.
They find Umbridge presiding over an inquisition, the locket round her neck.
Harry knocks her out and Hermione grabs the locket.
After a quick chase they manage to escape, but Ron gets splinched on the way.
"Hermione, wait. I have an important question: Are we out of the woods yet?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Harry."
The gang try to destroy the Horcrux, but it's not easy.
Harry gets annoyed because Ron is listening to the radio.
"And I hate the enforced gender roles perpetuated by our patriarchal society, but I don't bang on about it, do I?"
"There. Feel better?"
Then there's some fields and stuff.
Hermione, remembering there is a plot to get on with, has an epiphany.
"Ohhhhhh, Horcruxes. Why didn't you say so."
"You are brilliant, Hermione."
Then for no reason Ron is all angry with Harry.
He leaves and everyone cries a bit.
Seizing his opportunity, Harry tries to seduce Hermione through the power of dad dancing.
Harry makes out with his Snitch instead.
With nowhere left to run, they go to Harry's birthplace.
“What are we doing in a cemetery, Harry?”
A creepy old woman rocks up, so they do what anyone would in that situation.
PLOT TWIST! The creepy old woman is a giant fucking snake.
Hermione saves the day, as usual.
She apparates them to safety and sets up camp while Harry recovers from the attack.
"The Forest of Dean."
"Cool, cool. One question though."
"No, Harry. FFS."
Harry is on night watch, when suddenly...
Harry follows the random Patronus to a nearby frozen lake, where the sword of Gryffindor is hidden.
Harry gets trapped under the ice, but luckily last-minute Ron arrives to rescue him.
Harry then lets Ron destroy the Horcrux.
Back at camp, Harry surprises Hermione with Ron.
"Hey! I just got back, and this is measly."
Hermione is not impressed.
Ron begs for forgiveness, and tells them how he found his way back.
"Cool story, bro."
Hermione reads the next plot point in the book.
"So I can find out how he loves, obviously."
At Casa de Lovegood, Xenophilius shows them his pendant.
"I assume you're all familiar with the 'Tale of the Three Brothers'?"
Hermione narrates the story of the three brothers, which is one of the best bits of the film.
Turns out the Deathly Hallows are the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone, and the Cloak of Invisibility.
The same Cloak of Invisibility Harry's had since the first film.