Jeremy Clarkson is the outspoken, professionally controversial host of BBC's Top Gear, and the author of 14 books, mostly about his own opinions.

The best blackout poetry... in the world.
Now, moving on...
Look. Your
butcher is
in France
Whatever, I loaded my suitcases
with the temperature nudging 75ºF
hell doesn’t have air-conditioning
Imagine
14-year-old boys
blessed with stupidly tiny feet
And goddam, it’s hot in here.
There’s more, too,
to be true. I
borrowed
the sky. But before I had chance to decide whether
I liked it or not
the whole thing broke.
I spent a day pushing
buttons
it didn’t seem to make
any difference
I went home.
I rather liked the past.
do you mind if we put some gaffer tape round
Wow. It’s risky
to do it
jacked up and held in place with
duct tape…
Eventually I got it up
but
It’s an absolute beast
the rewards are huge
your clutch
is aching from the effort. Now. There’s
assistance, but not much. straining
you apply some power to
unstick the back end. Grrrr,
Weeeeeeeeee goes the supercharger
it’s still going. Your arms
are really hurting now trying to
throttle, the sweet spot that will hold
the back end in check
Smoke is pouring now.
on a
windless lake.
I remember thinking,
Me and the machine
just singing in perfect harmony
This was raw
pleasure
I knew that I was making love
my super-fit wife
like a jet fighter on combat power
feeling under-whelmed:
There we are, then
I’ve always assumed this would feel like
an organic component
You use to take you somewhere
pleasant. But you
are no more
This is the real deal.
because it happens
it should happen
the noises
powerful
like a Space Hopper
cut with scissors
broken. since
1979
to say that I’m all man
is bad enough
Your hold is as invisible as
people who sit behind you in
cinemas.
a girl at a party tried to reassure me
she sniffed
my curly top
had a pretty undistinguished life so far
I thought,
young men who care
on actually killing you,
making you look like
jerky
there are currently men in the
house fitting
the internet
With broadband I can get
sex with a young lady in Kiev.
At work
they slow me
down.
we should be allowed to kill people
icing
is the internet
amuse the crowds do a massive
juice
to get it going again
A friend like
a middle-aged man,
like athletes, forever
permanently broken in some way.
if you can’t go quickly
what can you do