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If Danny Dyer Were In "Game Of Thrones"

A Song of Nutters and Geezers.

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Last week, news broke that national treasure and lamb kebab enthusiast Danny Dyer had auditioned for a role in HBO's Game of Thrones.

Danny Dyer is Lord of Winterfell, a seat of power in the North of Westeros.

HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

A deserter has been captured fleeing his post at the great wall, which keeps out the Scottish, and Danny has to deal with him.

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Danny took his sons along, because video games aren't invented in Westeros, and children have no way of experiencing horrific violence artificially.

"I brought you along cos you ain't gonna be a kid forever. Well that, and winter is coming, and it's gonna freeze ya bollocks off, my son."

HBO / ITV / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"Now, do you know why I separated that geezer from his nut?"

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King Robert's personal assistant recently died, and he has a favour to ask Danny Dyer.

HBO

"I need you to come to King's Landing. Everyone there is trying to kill me, and you're the only geezer I trust. Plus there is a kebab shop worth shitting yourself for."

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"No such thing as the friend zone, Littlebollocks. A word made up by nutters like you when they don't get what they're after."

HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"There is a bone zone though, and you, my tiny-bollocked friend, are not in that."

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Later, the Queen's brother and Captain of the King's Guard introduces himself to Danny Dyer.

HBO

"Danny, is it? I'm handsome as fuck. Why don't you fight me in a tournament sometime so I can show you how glorious I am."

"Sister-fucker, I presume?"

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“I don't fight in tournaments because when I smash a geezer for real, I don't want him to know what's coming, you fucking tit.”

"Danny, I'm bollocksed. It was a boar. Little hairy mug smashed the granny out of me."

HBO

"I need you to sit on the Throne, until my cockend of a son is old enough to hold his own tinkle when he takes a slash."

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"You have to wait till it's dead before you try and munch on it, you absolute fucking numpty."

HBO / Jonathan Brady / PA Wire / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"I'll do it, you bearded pisshead. But only because that pointy throne looks like a tasty perch for my arse end. See you in the next life, you mug."

"Lamb kebab with a double naughty chili bullet. I want it absolutely pissing with sauce."

HBO / Stuart C. Wilson / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"You look familiar, have you served me a kebab before?"

"Yeah you were in here last Wednesday afternoon, pranged off yer nut, slagging off the portions. Said I was a mug."

HBO

"Also I'm King Robert's bastard and rightful heir to the throne, since that absolute cockend Prince Fuckery is a product of incest and disgusting privilege."

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Armed with the news of Robert's kebab-slinging bastard, Danny conspires to try and get Srsly and Fuckery on Jeremy Kyle, but Littlebollocks has other ideas.

HBO / Stuart Wilson / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"I told you not to trust me. I explicitly said, don't trust me. Remember that? You fucking half-wit."

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