If Danny Dyer Were In "Game Of Thrones"
A Song of Nutters and Geezers.
Last week, news broke that national treasure and lamb kebab enthusiast Danny Dyer had auditioned for a role in HBO's Game of Thrones.
Danny Dyer is Lord of Winterfell, a seat of power in the North of Westeros.
The way he deals with him is to chop his head off with a big fucking sword.
Danny took his sons along, because video games aren't invented in Westeros, and children have no way of experiencing horrific violence artificially.
"I brought you along cos you ain't gonna be a kid forever. Well that, and winter is coming, and it's gonna freeze ya bollocks off, my son."
Danny Jr. thinks about it for a minute.
"He fackin was an' all, weren't he?"
Back in Winterfell, Danny Dyer's friend King Robert has arrived from the capital city, King's Landing.
King Robert is accompanied to Winterfell by his son and heir, Prince Fuckery.
King Robert's personal assistant recently died, and he has a favour to ask Danny Dyer.
"Yeah fuck it, Winterfell is boring as shit anyway. And I'm dying for a kebab."
Danny's missus isn't so sure about the idea.
"That is the only time he can be brave."
After travelling to King's Landing, Danny is met by an old friend of his wife's, Peter Baelish.
“What is it they call you? Littlebollocks?
"That was before she married you."
"No such thing as the friend zone, Littlebollocks. A word made up by nutters like you when they don't get what they're after."
Danny receives his ceremonial pin, and gets to work as King's Hand.
Meanwhile Robert's Wife, Queen Srsly, is up to no good with her son. But not the kind of no good she gets up to with her brother.
"I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!"
"Thus far, let's face it sweetheart..."
"Oh, stop it mother."
Later, the Queen's brother and Captain of the King's Guard introduces himself to Danny Dyer.
"Sister-fucker, I presume?"
"Typical. A guy fucks his sister a couple of times and gets stuck with 'sister-fucker'."
"Danny, I'm bollocksed. It was a boar. Little hairy mug smashed the granny out of me."
"You have to wait till it's dead before you try and munch on it, you absolute fucking numpty."
Dealing with the death of his friend the only way he knows, Danny goes to the kebab shop.
"Lamb kebab with a double naughty chili bullet. I want it absolutely pissing with sauce."
"Yeah you were in here last Wednesday afternoon, pranged off yer nut, slagging off the portions. Said I was a mug."
Armed with the news of Robert's kebab-slinging bastard, Danny conspires to try and get Srsly and Fuckery on Jeremy Kyle, but Littlebollocks has other ideas.
With Danny in jail, Fuckery becomes King.
He sentences Danny Dyer to death.
The executioner takes Danny's sword, Double Naughty, and raises it high.
But Danny Dyer has no plans to die today.
Fuckery makes a toast, but after a sip of wine he gets a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
“He’s pranged off his nut, that one.”
Unable to hold his drink, Fuckery dies in Srsly's arms.
Danny Dyer takes his rightful place on the pointy throne, and with all well in Westeros – and his entire family alive – the show ends after one season.
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