back to top

If Danny Dyer Were In "Game Of Thrones"

A Song of Nutters and Geezers.

Posted on
HBO / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

Last week, news broke that national treasure and lamb kebab enthusiast Danny Dyer had auditioned for a role in HBO's Game of Thrones.

He didn't get the part, so I decided to fix that for him, and for all of you.
BBC

He didn't get the part, so I decided to fix that for him, and for all of you.

Danny Dyer is Lord of Winterfell, a seat of power in the North of Westeros.

A deserter has been captured fleeing his post at the great wall, which keeps out the Scottish, and Danny has to deal with him.
HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

A deserter has been captured fleeing his post at the great wall, which keeps out the Scottish, and Danny has to deal with him.

The way he deals with him is to chop his head off with a big fucking sword.

"Have some of that, you mug."
HBO

"Have some of that, you mug."

Advertisement

Danny took his sons along, because video games aren't invented in Westeros, and children have no way of experiencing horrific violence artificially.

His youngest son, also named Danny, is a bit put out by all the blood.
HBO

His youngest son, also named Danny, is a bit put out by all the blood.

"I brought you along cos you ain't gonna be a kid forever. Well that, and winter is coming, and it's gonna freeze ya bollocks off, my son."

"Now, do you know why I separated that geezer from his nut?"
HBO / ITV / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"Now, do you know why I separated that geezer from his nut?"

Danny Jr. thinks about it for a minute.

"Is it because he was was a nutter of a geezer?"
HBO

"Is it because he was was a nutter of a geezer?"

"He fackin was an' all, weren't he?"

“That and the geezer what passes the sentence should swing the sword. D'ya know what I mean?”
HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

“That and the geezer what passes the sentence should swing the sword. D'ya know what I mean?”

Advertisement

Back in Winterfell, Danny Dyer's friend King Robert has arrived from the capital city, King's Landing.

"Sup fuckers?"
HBO

"Sup fuckers?"

King Robert is accompanied to Winterfell by his son and heir, Prince Fuckery.

He's a proper dickhead.
HBO

He's a proper dickhead.

King Robert's personal assistant recently died, and he has a favour to ask Danny Dyer.

"I need you to come to King's Landing. Everyone there is trying to kill me, and you're the only geezer I trust. Plus there is a kebab shop worth shitting yourself for."
HBO

"I need you to come to King's Landing. Everyone there is trying to kill me, and you're the only geezer I trust. Plus there is a kebab shop worth shitting yourself for."

"Yeah fuck it, Winterfell is boring as shit anyway. And I'm dying for a kebab."

"Double naughty."
HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"Double naughty."

Advertisement

Danny's missus isn't so sure about the idea.

"You're afraid, Danny. Can a geezer be brave if he's afraid?"
HBO

"You're afraid, Danny. Can a geezer be brave if he's afraid?"

"That is the only time he can be brave."

"That and after a bottle of Jägermeister, you what."
HBO / Anchor Bay / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"That and after a bottle of Jägermeister, you what."

After travelling to King's Landing, Danny is met by an old friend of his wife's, Peter Baelish.

"I'm telling you this now, up front. You'd be a mug to trust me."
HBO

"I'm telling you this now, up front. You'd be a mug to trust me."

“What is it they call you? Littlebollocks?

"Still trying to get your end away with my wife?"
HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"Still trying to get your end away with my wife?"

Advertisement

"That was before she married you."

"Plus, I ended up in the friend zone, didn't I."
HBO

"Plus, I ended up in the friend zone, didn't I."

"No such thing as the friend zone, Littlebollocks. A word made up by nutters like you when they don't get what they're after."

"There is a bone zone though, and you, my tiny-bollocked friend, are not in that."
HBO / Tim P. Whitby / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"There is a bone zone though, and you, my tiny-bollocked friend, are not in that."

Danny receives his ceremonial pin, and gets to work as King's Hand.

"Time for one to get pranged off one's nut."
HBO

"Time for one to get pranged off one's nut."

Meanwhile Robert's Wife, Queen Srsly, is up to no good with her son. But not the kind of no good she gets up to with her brother.

"What's the matter, Fuckery?"
HBO

"What's the matter, Fuckery?"

Advertisement

"I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!"

"I'm gonna be the mane event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm working on my roar."
HBO

"I'm gonna be the mane event, like no king was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm working on my roar."

"Thus far, let's face it sweetheart..."

"A rather uninspiring thing."
HBO

"A rather uninspiring thing."

"Oh, stop it mother."

"I just can't wait to be king!"
HBO

"I just can't wait to be king!"

Later, the Queen's brother and Captain of the King's Guard introduces himself to Danny Dyer.

"Danny, is it? I'm handsome as fuck. Why don't you fight me in a tournament sometime so I can show you how glorious I am."
HBO

"Danny, is it? I'm handsome as fuck. Why don't you fight me in a tournament sometime so I can show you how glorious I am."

Advertisement

"Sister-fucker, I presume?"

“I don't fight in tournaments because when I smash a geezer for real, I don't want him to know what's coming, you fucking tit.”
HBO / Gareth Cattermole / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

“I don't fight in tournaments because when I smash a geezer for real, I don't want him to know what's coming, you fucking tit.”

"Typical. A guy fucks his sister a couple of times and gets stuck with 'sister-fucker'."

"Also I came to tell you the King has been mortally wounded and needs to see you right away."
HBO

"Also I came to tell you the King has been mortally wounded and needs to see you right away."

"Danny, I'm bollocksed. It was a boar. Little hairy mug smashed the granny out of me."

"I need you to sit on the Throne, until my cockend of a son is old enough to hold his own tinkle when he takes a slash."
HBO

"I need you to sit on the Throne, until my cockend of a son is old enough to hold his own tinkle when he takes a slash."

"You have to wait till it's dead before you try and munch on it, you absolute fucking numpty."

"I'll do it, you bearded pisshead. But only because that pointy throne looks like a tasty perch for my arse end. See you in the next life, you mug."
HBO / Jonathan Brady / PA Wire / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"I'll do it, you bearded pisshead. But only because that pointy throne looks like a tasty perch for my arse end. See you in the next life, you mug."

Advertisement

Dealing with the death of his friend the only way he knows, Danny goes to the kebab shop.

"What'll it be, geezer? Get involved."
HBO

"What'll it be, geezer? Get involved."

"Lamb kebab with a double naughty chili bullet. I want it absolutely pissing with sauce."

"You look familiar, have you served me a kebab before?"
HBO / Stuart C. Wilson / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"You look familiar, have you served me a kebab before?"

"Yeah you were in here last Wednesday afternoon, pranged off yer nut, slagging off the portions. Said I was a mug."

"Also I'm King Robert's bastard and rightful heir to the throne, since that absolute cockend Prince Fuckery is a product of incest and disgusting privilege."
HBO

"Also I'm King Robert's bastard and rightful heir to the throne, since that absolute cockend Prince Fuckery is a product of incest and disgusting privilege."

Armed with the news of Robert's kebab-slinging bastard, Danny conspires to try and get Srsly and Fuckery on Jeremy Kyle, but Littlebollocks has other ideas.

"I told you not to trust me. I explicitly said, don't trust me. Remember that? You fucking half-wit."
HBO / Stuart Wilson / Getty Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

"I told you not to trust me. I explicitly said, don't trust me. Remember that? You fucking half-wit."

Advertisement

With Danny in jail, Fuckery becomes King.

And he's a right fucking cock about it.
HBO

And he's a right fucking cock about it.

He sentences Danny Dyer to death.

"Off with his nut."
HBO

"Off with his nut."

The executioner takes Danny's sword, Double Naughty, and raises it high.

"Any last words?"
HBO

"Any last words?"

But Danny Dyer has no plans to die today.

"You beaky web-footed mug. I made a symbolic speech at the beginning about the geezer passing the sentence swinging the sword, and you didn’t listen."
HBO

"You beaky web-footed mug. I made a symbolic speech at the beginning about the geezer passing the sentence swinging the sword, and you didn’t listen."

Advertisement

Fuckery makes a toast, but after a sip of wine he gets a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

"What's happening?!"
HBO

"What's happening?!"

“He’s pranged off his nut, that one.”

“Fuckery you mug. This is what you get when you dance with a proper geezer.”
HBO / Doug Peters / PA Images / Daniel Dalton / BuzzFeed

“Fuckery you mug. This is what you get when you dance with a proper geezer.”

Unable to hold his drink, Fuckery dies in Srsly's arms.

"He's... he's... a nutter of a geezer."
HBO

"He's... he's... a nutter of a geezer."

Danny Dyer takes his rightful place on the pointy throne, and with all well in Westeros – and his entire family alive – the show ends after one season.

#DoubleNaughty
HBO

#DoubleNaughty