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If Hermione Were The Main Character In "Harry Potter"

Hermione Granger and the Goddamn Patriarchy.

Mr and Mrs Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.

Proud, that is, until their daughter, Hermione, wiped all trace of her existence from their memory.

Though it pained her beyond measure to do it, Hermione was in the midst of a war, and she was trying to protect her parents from harm.

Hermione had been doxxed by supporters of the cause she'd been fighting against for years: The Patriarchy.

Now bitches gonna die.

Six years earlier, Hermione first boarded the Hogwarts Express, excited to make friends and finally be valued for her talents, rather than teased for being different.

"I'm Harry, Harry Potter."

It was in that moment that Hermione first learned a valuable skill.

Of course, she'd heard of Harry Potter, as all witches and wizards had, and couldn't believe he of all people would say something so silly.

"Do you know who that is? That's Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived."

"It's funny you should say that, because I'm Hermione Granger, The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks."

At Hogwarts, Hermione tried making friends.

But not everyone was interested in knowledge.

She did not want to see his wand. She couldn’t think of anything she’d like to see less.

Case in point: She tried her best to be helpful to Ron Weasley, but was shunned for it.

It wasn't just the boy wizards either. Grown-up wizards were equally terrible.

Hermione did not like being ignored, nor did she like institutional gender bias.

Her badass antics attracted the attention of Ron and Harry, who decided they wanted her in the gang.

Despite their vaguely offensive ways, Hermione sensed that Ron and Harry weren't so bad, even if their strut game needed work.

Over the course of the year, she saved Harry and Ron several times.

And when Harry legit murdered a dude, Hermione stood by him and tried not to judge.

In second year, while others floundered, Hermione continued to excel.

Time and again, she proved how badass she was.

But there were still obstacles.

"With that wand?"

"Dirty witch."

Hermione didn't let Draco see her cry, but his words hurt.

Even her friends were ignoring her cleverness, it seemed.

And when they finally figured it out and defeated the Basilisk, it was Harry and Ron who got all the credit.

In third year, Harry was still getting all the praise, all the opportunity. By virtue of being born, it seemed.

Hermione was working twice as hard as everyone else. And still the teachers shunned her.

She was finding it hard to hold back.

Harry and Ron had begun to think of Hermione as a sister, and felt protective toward her.

Especially when Draco Hair Gel was involved.

"What did you say to me? Go on, say that again."

"Yeah? Well so's this."

And despite valuing knowledge above all, part of her couldn't help but enjoy how flawless she looked while knocking Draco Hair Gel the fuck out.

It was clear that she was the one who was protecting Harry and Ron, and this was never more evident than when she revealed she could control time.

She'd given up her greatest power for her best friend, because helping people made her feel good.

Boys her age only seemed to understand one thing.

So she was happy when fourth year rolled around.

More than happy. Excited. Ecstatic even. Positively quivering with anticipation.

It wasn't long before Viktor noticed Hermione.

And Hermione noticed Viktor noticing her.

With the dance approaching, Ron joked that Hermione probably didn't have a date. She was not amused.

Viktor Krum had asked her to the dance, and the pair looked resplendent.

Ron was more than a little jealous and asked Hermione to dance, but she didn't want to.

"Ron, you idiot! How dare you. How fucking dare you!"

Ron tried to apologise, but it was too late, and he didn't really understand what he was apologising for.

Trying to repair the damage, Harry apologised on Ron's behalf.

"That's the problem, Harry. He didn't think what he was saying was wrong."

"Not all wizards, though. Right?"

"Not all witches feel that way though, surely."

"But that's... That's impossible. If what you're saying is true, that every witch feels threatened by every wizard, then..."

Fireworks were exploding in Hermione's brain. Her heart was pounding. She was furious.

But then the Dark Wizard Voldemort returned.

And summoned his Death Eaters, including Draco's dad, Luscious Locks, to update him on their plan.

Harry witnessed the whole thing.

Harry managed to escape. But his world had changed forever.

Harry apologised to Hermione.

Hermione forgave Ron, realising he, too, was a victim of The Patriarchy.

Krum asked Hermione to write, but she was kind of over her Bulgarian phase.

Fifth year at Hogwarts heralded the arrival of the pinkest evil of all, Dolores Umbridge.

Professor McGonagall confronted Umbridge, and revealed herself to be quite the boss witch.

While Harry was too sad to do anything, Hermione came up with a plan.

Rebellion was a suit she'd not worn much, and she liked it.

They commenced training in secret. Hermione let Harry take the lead on teaching, to help boost his confidence.

Hermione was the first of the students, other than Harry, to conjure a Patronus.

But Umbridge, there to ensure nobody questioned The Patriarchy, hunted down their secret training room.

When confronted, Dumbledore did what Dumbledore did best.

It didn't help that Harry was making terrible decisions.

Hermione convinced him not to. Then he decided to go rescue Sirius from the Ministry of Magic.

It was totally a trap.

It was Luscious Locks and fellow soldier of The Patriarchy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Ginny, being a badass, destroyed the joint.

Unlike Harry, who had no idea what he was doing.

Despite this, and that brown corduroy blazer, the rest of the group still looked to Harry for answers.

She'd grown quite fond of her two best friends.

She even helped Ron make the Quidditch team with a little well-timed magic.

Unlike Johnny Privilege himself, Harry James Potter, who had found himself a book full of potion cheat codes.

No, he didn't.

In retaliation, Draco joined The Patriarchy.

Snape also outed himself as a member of The Patriarchy.

"Well, I suppose I had this coming."

Now the most powerful wizard in the world was dead.

The fight against The Patriarchy was beginning in earnest.

Harry, however, had no such doubts. He had a plan and everything.

"Three to five months?"

"Of course I know what I'm doing. I'm Harry Potter. There's a prophecy about me and everything."

But all that walking around in the woods made Ron lose his shit.

Ron left, despite Hermione trying to appeal to his sense of reason.

Hermione, who had been singlehandedly responsible for their survival with her badass wilderness skills, took solace in her first true love: books.

The weeks dragged by, and Hermione was beginning to regret letting Harry choose the plan.

"I finally understand. It’s not just some witches, but all witches, who are subject to broad and pervasive sexism everywhere they go, every day."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Ron Weasley! I've been telling you this for years."

With Ron back, and after months of wandering around forests, Hermione finally took charge. She was ready.

Hermione had a plan. While Harry distracted everyone with his...Harryness...she snuck the entire Order of the Phoenix into Hogwarts.

McGonagall fought off Snape, and in her first act as Hogwarts Headmaster, activated the defences.

Sensing this might be her last night on earth, Hermione kissed Ron.

Draco was still trying to make this all about him.

"Misandry? It's not even a word!"

Draco didn’t listen, so Hermione shut him down the best way she knew how.

Outside, things had escalated somewhat.

Hermione broke the bad news to Harry: For the plan to work, he'd have to die.

With Harry dead, Voldemort marched up to Hogwarts.

But Hermione wasn't done yet.

"The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks, we meet at last."

"You know, I used to hate you, but now I pity you."

Harry was alive the whole time!

Hermione told Harry to keep Voldemort distracted.

Meanwhile, Bellatrix tried to kill Ginny.

But Molly Weasley was having none of it.

Hermione had figured out the source of Voldemort's power, the one thing he couldn't live without.

Using Ron as bait, Hermione cornered it.

She'd given Neville the most important job, because good leadership is about good delegation, and he arrived right on schedule, cutting the head off Voldemort's snake.

With his snake dismembered, Voldemort crumbled away to nothing.

"Does this mean The Patriarchy is over?"

Hermione did just that. Instead of settling down and having kids like Harry did, she dedicated her life to wiping out sexism, in both the magic and Muggle world.