If Hermione Were The Main Character In "Harry Potter"

Hermione Granger and the Goddamn Patriarchy.

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Mr and Mrs Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.

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Not that they said it much, or at all, to anyone. But they were proud all the same.

Though it pained her beyond measure to do it, Hermione was in the midst of a war, and she was trying to protect her parents from harm.

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To make sure they were completely safe, she shipped them off to Australia, where nothing dangerous ever happens.

Hermione had been doxxed by supporters of the cause she'd been fighting against for years: The Patriarchy.

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The Patriarchy's first mistake had been to assume that women were somehow lesser. Their second mistake was to fuck with Hermione Granger.

Six years earlier, Hermione first boarded the Hogwarts Express, excited to make friends and finally be valued for her talents, rather than teased for being different.

Of course, she'd heard of Harry Potter, as all witches and wizards had, and couldn't believe he of all people would say something so silly.

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"I've read all the rules – there's no such thing as a boys-only carriage."

Her badass antics attracted the attention of Ron and Harry, who decided they wanted her in the gang.

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"You are fierce and independent and that scares us. Also you set a dude on fire. Will you be in our gang, please?"

In second year, while others floundered, Hermione continued to excel.

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Even though she'd read that women are less likely to speak up in classrooms, Hermione gave literally zero fucks for socially mandated gender roles.

Time and again, she proved how badass she was.

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When Cornish blue pixies were released in the classroom and proceeded to wreak havoc, who was it who saved the day? Not the fucking teacher, that's for sure.

Hermione didn't let Draco see her cry, but his words hurt.

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It wasn't that she couldn't deal with teasing, it was that he'd made her feel like an object, a thing, and she understood that no matter how clever she was, or how good at magic, she'd never be more than that to Draco and people like him.

Even her friends were ignoring her cleverness, it seemed.

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Like when she risked her life to discover what was petrifying students around Hogwarts, and it took them ages to realise she was holding the answer the whole time.

And when they finally figured it out and defeated the Basilisk, it was Harry and Ron who got all the credit.

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Still, she was happy for them. They were friends, after all, and they had been so brave, and friendship and bravery were more important than books and cleverness, right?

In third year, Harry was still getting all the praise, all the opportunity. By virtue of being born, it seemed.

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It's not that he was dim, he just didn't have to try. Most of the time it felt like he was being carried by incredible privilege. Sometimes literally.

Hermione was working twice as hard as everyone else. And still the teachers shunned her.

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“Tell me, Miss Granger, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?”

And despite valuing knowledge above all, part of her couldn't help but enjoy how flawless she looked while knocking Draco Hair Gel the fuck out.

It was clear that she was the one who was protecting Harry and Ron, and this was never more evident than when she revealed she could control time.

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She'd been using her Time-Turner to attend twice the number of classes, but she agreed to use it to help Harry save his godfather, even though it meant she'd never be able to use it again.

She'd given up her greatest power for her best friend, because helping people made her feel good.

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And though she hoped he understood the sacrifice she was making by letting her education slide, she knew he didn't. Because men.

Viktor Krum had asked her to the dance, and the pair looked resplendent.

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The Daily Prophet, mouthpiece of The Patriarchy and not a paper with much in the way of moral fibre, wrote that "Hermione was all grown-up".

"Ron, you idiot! How dare you. How fucking dare you!"

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"I didn't dress like this for Viktor, or for you, or for anyone. I dressed up for me. Don't you get it? For me. So I could feel good. And you've ruined it!"

Ron tried to apologise, but it was too late, and he didn't really understand what he was apologising for.

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It was more clear to Hermione than ever that this was a wizard's world, and she was just another witch.

Fireworks were exploding in Hermione's brain. Her heart was pounding. She was furious.

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If she couldn't get Harry, her most reasonable, supportive male friend, to understand, then she may as well give up.

And summoned his Death Eaters, including Draco's dad, Luscious Locks, to update him on their plan.

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"We're not oppressing all witches quite yet, my lord. But soon. Soon."

Hermione forgave Ron, realising he, too, was a victim of The Patriarchy.

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"When you grow up in a culture that allows wizards to speak to witches that way, how are you supposed to know that it's wrong? But do it again and I'll cut you."

Krum asked Hermione to write, but she was kind of over her Bulgarian phase.

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Krum was a physical being. He valued looks, not books, and Hermione longed for conversation and intellectual stimulation. But it was fun while it lasted.

They commenced training in secret. Hermione let Harry take the lead on teaching, to help boost his confidence.

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It turned out Ron's sister Ginny was pretty badass, and Hermione was glad to have another capable, independent witch around.

Hermione was the first of the students, other than Harry, to conjure a Patronus.

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Harry had first conjured a Patronus two years earlier, while standing atop his lofty mountain of privilege.

But Umbridge, there to ensure nobody questioned The Patriarchy, hunted down their secret training room.

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"And before you start, Miss Granger, this is not about sexism. It's about ethics in magic teaching."

It was Luscious Locks and fellow soldier of The Patriarchy Bellatrix Lestrange.

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She was the kind of witch Hermione liked least. One who was interested in keeping The Patriarchy as it was because it suited her interests.

Despite this, and that brown corduroy blazer, the rest of the group still looked to Harry for answers.

She'd grown quite fond of her two best friends.

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She wondered if in an alternate universe, there was a Hogwarts School full of children who didn't have to worry about The Patriarchy.

She even helped Ron make the Quidditch team with a little well-timed magic.

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Ron didn't have much in the way of natural talent, but she appreciated his commitment to his friends. He was the kind of person she didn't mind giving extra help in life.

Unlike Johnny Privilege himself, Harry James Potter, who had found himself a book full of potion cheat codes.

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The last thing he needed was another helping hand. Hermione warned him about using the book, but did he listen?

In retaliation, Draco joined The Patriarchy.

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"Why should witches get all the benefits, huh? Wizards are the ones who are really being persecuted. Misandry is what it is. Misandry!"

"Of course I know what I'm doing. I'm Harry Potter. There's a prophecy about me and everything."

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"We're going to wait here, and then when the time is right, we'll go back to Hogwarts and destroy the joint, etc."

But all that walking around in the woods made Ron lose his shit.

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"Sorry, but I just don't understand. Witches and wizards are equal already. It's not like it's the 1950s. It's not like anyone is burning witches these days. You want to oppress wizards, is that it? You want all the power, don't you!"

Ron left, despite Hermione trying to appeal to his sense of reason.

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"This isn't about having more, Ron. It's about being equal. Witches and wizards don't have the same rights and opportunities. Why won't you understand?"

Hermione, who had been singlehandedly responsible for their survival with her badass wilderness skills, took solace in her first true love: books.

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"Sometimes I think I should have been a Ravenclaw, you know? I think I'd look pretty fucking darling in blue."

"I finally understand. It’s not just some witches, but all witches, who are subject to broad and pervasive sexism everywhere they go, every day."

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"Once you see it, you can't help but see it. It’s like we’re living in a patriarchal dystopia. Surrounded by prejudice and oppression. And trees."