Things to keep in mind:
"Defensiveness is a psychological response to perceived or imagined threat or attack to one's sense of self." "Often when we feel under attack by another person, the words or tone may trigger some internal experience. For example, if we feel guilty we are more likely to feel attacked by a simple inquiry such as "where were you last night?" - Dr. Dreyfus
"Defending oneself is a response to real threat to one's person as in a physical attack, an attack to one's character (ad hominem attack), or an attack against one's ideas or beliefs" "It would be reasonable to protect or defend yourself. If some one is attacking your ideas, you can defend your ideas. If you are being accused of doing something that is not true or a decision is being attacked, you can defend them...if someone physically attacks you, you could defend yourself in a physical way." - Dr. Dreyfus
It is a common mistake to confuse the concepts of defensiveness and defending and people should be aware that there is a difference. It is also important to take into consideration, that the accuser often comes off looking the most defensive in a conversation. Imagine that someone is disagreeing with you and you call them defensive, it may look like you are upset by their comment.
Here are just a few examples to think about:
"It's not my fault"
Todd and Fred get into an accident and Todd, who was hit, tells the police officer "its not my fault". Fred says don't be defensive, everyone has a part to play. This is not a case of defensiveness, Todd is defending himself by telling the officer so that he does not have to pay for the accident. An alternative example would be Judy, who's son is in jail. She says "its not my fault" and it means an entirely different thing. If someone has accused her of raising a horrible person she may be justified in defending herself. If she simply feels guilty for the way she raised her son, she may be defensive and hiding from her own feelings of guilt.
Pointing Fingers
Danny "says you ate my banana" and Donnie says "you ate my candy bar". In response, Danny claims Donnie is defensive. If he ate it and feels guilty he may be being defensive. If he ate it in revenge, he may be expressing his reason for taking revenge. In this case it would not be defensiveness but retaliation, a close second to the act of defending.
Silent Treatment
Jason tells Pam that her hairspray is too strong and Pam ignores Jason. Jason claims she is being defensive. Pam may feel guilty that she has caused him discomfort and so ignores him, this would be defensiveness. She alternatively may not care about his preferences and so ignores his complaining. She may feel like accommodating him will lead to more complaining and her time is better spent elsewhere. If she feels like Jason has infringed upon her, she may alternatively feel like ignoring his request.
Not Caring
Holly tells her brother Jim that he is inconsiderate for leaving his stinky gym shoes in the hall. Jim says he doesn't care and Holly tells him he's being defensive. If Jim feels guilty and is ignoring that emotion, then he is being defensive. If he doesn't care because Holly is easily bothered and he thinks she is just complaining for attention or some other reason she is not being defensive.
"I didn't do it"
Donna asks her daughter Mia if she is responsible for the marijuana smell in the house, Mia say's she didn't do it, and her mother claims she is being defensive. Like the man in car accident above, by stating that she is innocent she defends herself so she does not have negative repercussions like punishment or a bad reputation and future suscpician. Had Mia smoked the drugs and felt bad about it, it may have been be defensiveness. She could have felt guilty and not wanted to admit she did it because she would receive a negative reaction from her mother, or she may have convinced herself that she did not do it, so she did not have to feel guilt.
Interrupting
Every time Penelope tells Augusta how to clean her fish tank, Augusta interrupts and says "I know, I know". Penelope says she is being defensive. If Augusta feels bad that she never does the cleaning correctly, then she is being defensive. If she feels like Penelope is always lecturing her and is simply trying to speed the conversation long then it is not defensiveness. In this sense Augusta is defending herself from the conversation, from having to hear it or spend time on it.
" I did it this way because..."
Simon will sometimes tell Valery, his assistant, that she's done things wrong or he'd like them done differently. When she explains why she's completed tasks in a certain way, he says she is defensive. If Valery feels incompetent and she is defending herself to her self, trying to prove she is competent, then she is becoming defensive. If Valery is trying to show him that she is competent or the value of doing things a certain way then she is not being defensive.
Crying
Simone tells her sister Kaylee that she doesn't like her dress and Kaylee cries. Simone tells her not to be so defensive. If Kaylee is offended that Simone would say rude things then she is not being defensive. If Kaylee thinks she looks bad and is trying to convince herself that Simone is just being mean, then she may be defensive.
"You're being defensive"
Gordon tells Sally she smells funny, Sally cries and Gordon tells her she is being defensive. Here Gordon may in actually be the person who has become defensive. Sally may be crying because she's having a bad day and another insult was the straw that broke the camel's back. If Gordon accuses her of being defensive because he thinks she feels bad because society looks down on body odor then his comment may have some merit but if he felt bad because he made her cry he may be being defensive. Often the person judging another as defensive is the most defensive person in the room. If you call people defensive, don't be surprised if they think you are projecting a little something onto others.
http://www.docdreyfus.com/psychologically-speaking/defending-oneself-or-being-defensive/
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