Traditional: Porky/Babe/Stinky
You yearn for a miniature pot bellied pig from yesteryear who would drag clumsy toddlers from wells and let you know via a concentrated series of oinks that a fire had broken out down by the old creek and the wheat silo was in danger. Obviously, you are utterly delusional, living in a world that no longer exists, where urchins went up chimneys and muffin men roamed the street, distributing their sweet breads to the unsuspecting denizens olde London towne. You were either ignored or hazed by one or both parents almost repeatedly. Some form of counselling may be necessary.
Cute: Fluffy/Squeaky/Oinkley
You fetishise your animal and treat it like a toy to be played with and then violently cast aside when you grow bored like you're a polluted child. You live in a state of complete arrested development, treating the world like a playground and your car like some kind of motorised fairground amusement, if you can drive at all. You have never accepted the dangerous and responsible world of adulthood, finding it easier to revel in the infantile. Surely sexual experimentation involving giant nappies and an oversized playpen can't be too far away. Deviant focused group therapy may help.
Defective: Tripod/Cyclops/No Larynx
You've named the animal after a grossly identifiable defect or hideous physical trait. This displays a troubling cruel and vicious streak in the owner, who rejoices in shouting out the creature's deformity when calling to them across a particularly bleak stretch of waste ground. It almost certainly reflects your own shortcomings, which you wish to deflect by drawing attention to your damaged beast's inadequacies. Most serial killers engaged in this kind of behaviour. Try an outreach centre or simply give yourself up to the authorities.
Biblical: Samson/Jesus/John The Baptist
You view your pet as a saviour and redeemer who will forgive you unconditionally and perhaps bestow a few magical wishes upon you. The animal represents the guilt you feel for past transgressions: such as being caught while masturbating, a late library book or an arson. To compensate for your inability to process these feelings, you merely attempt to shroud your misery with trotters and filth. In the clinically recognised 'nine steps to suicide' this is number eight. Call an ambulance.
Normal: Tim/Brian/Leon
You don't wish to draw attention to your porcine pal, but rather want them to be considered an unexceptional member of your family. A member of your family that you secret harbour sexual feelings towards. Due to your massive deviant yearnings you hide your urges behind a devastatingly unremarkable moniker. You didn't really want a pet, but rather you crave the attention and delicate touch of another human being. Any human being. There are drugs that can help with this.
Random: Klaxon/Cherrybomb/Wheelarch
You've saddled your hog with a title relating to a single random object. You desperately want to appear spontaneous and interesting and yet don't have the talents or co-ordination to actually undertake a creative act. You seek the plaudits and affection that creativity inspires, but you'd rather sit in a big chair and watch Pawn Stars while eating a huge block of cheddar than actually do something worthwhile. Google the phrase '24 hour emergency therapists' and take it from there.
Aspirational: Liberty/Victory/Vanquish
This pet was almost certainly acquired after some sort of personal crisis and intended to wipe the slate clean and offer the promise of a new beginning. The intrinsic flaws that almost certainly brought about your problems in the first place are still within you, festering like old soup. But rather than attempt to fix them, you spend your redundancy on a genetic mistake with a snout. Your pig's name points towards a shiny new future, but it's hopelessly anchored in your lamentable past. You're never going to get there. Give up.
Weird: Captain Hamburger/Pope Tangerine/Colonel Haps Pappy Doo Dad Almighty
You've spent hours, possibly days, coming up with a colourful, confusing, complicated name for your porker that may be a reference to a Grateful Dead album or just something that came to you while vapeing. This 'acting out' as doctors call it, masks a bottomless pit of psychological trauma and powerfully damaging neurological inconsistencies. Try putting down the bong, having a wash, getting a job and growing up. You disgust everyone.
Famous: John Coltrane/Laura Dern/Greg Sage
You've decided to name your pig after someone you admire. This person, an aspirational figure in your life, represents everything you have failed to be. It doesn't matter how many episodes of Man V. Food you watch, you realise, deep down, that you are never going to be Adam Richman. In a last desperate attempt to add some structure and meaning to your life, you've decided to have a replica of this iconic figure with you at all times in the form of your living, shitting affectation. This won't end well. Get your affairs in order before the inevitable tragic end.
Lazy: Pig/Piggy/The Pig
You may think you are being 'ironic' in a Russell Brand sort of way by not giving your pet a name at all, but rather referring to it by its genus instead. But you are really using this creature to hurt yourself. It has been recently recognised as a form of self-harm. You have no personality of your own, just a damp void where your soul should be, so this hog naming is really a cry for help. You're telling the world 'HELP ME, I AM NOTHING. AND I CONSTANTLY FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO GET A NOSEBLEED!' Seek some kind of psychiatric attention immediately.
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