1. On fitting in:
When I'm in Vancouver, I carry a yoga mat everywhere so people won't make fun of me.
2. On mom jokes:
So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, "Squad-Goals!". I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.
3. On work/life balance:
Pretty sure most professional mimes have intimacy issues. At least the really dedicated ones.
4. On succumbing to pop culture pressures:
In the morning, I like to let the dogs out and sing, "Who let the dogs out" before punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.
5. On social situations:
Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.
6. On team sports:
Intimidating? Sure. But "Sex-Thirsty Online Predators" is a terrible name for a softball team.
7. On being a protective dad:
I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
8. On reading between the lines:
A lot of people missed the true meaning of Michael Jackson's song, "Smooth Criminals". https://t.co/yudzCUAtKe
9. On intimidation:
Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to whisper, "You'll die someday. Alone, cold and scared." https://t.co/1ZEPdOYNjN
10. On romance:
I don't like the expression "pissing rain". Because if it was actually urine, it would totally ruin movies like The Notebook.
11. On flirting in the 21st Century:
Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.
12. On regularity:
Got totally messed up on probiotics last night and digested the fuck out of dinner. Having a kid doesn't stop this party train.
13. On the power of language:
The word, "alleged" adds intrigue to anything. "This alleged candy is yummy." "My alleged brother is hog-tied in my van, crying for help."
14. On babies and technology:
Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right.
15. On being a fan:
Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".
16. On the big questions:
I wonder if sharks are huddled up underwater, scared shitless while watching Human Week.
17. On the never-ending story:
Love it when mom tells an anecdote about last night's dinner, but starts with her own birth and works her way forward in real time.
18. On baby gear:
This is absolutely monstrous and does anybody know if it requires a permit? https://t.co/23XjMDhND4
19. On his early performances:
'Member when I performed Britney's "I'm A Slave 4 U"? But instead of wearing a giant yellow snake, I wore @NathanFillion? He has the video.
20. On modern lingo:
I used the expression "no chill" at dinner last night and my brother demanded to know if I was a virgin.
21. On his PR team:
i wonder how much the intern that runs @VancityReynolds twitter is making
He keeps me locked in his basement with an athletic, sexually-demanding Koala. So... Not enough. https://t.co/JV04mIrJOF
22. On his sweet dance skills:
I'm a two time runner up in the Saskatoon regional amateur "Whip My Hair Back 'n Forth" contest. Step off. https://t.co/YRmO1NXOyg
23. And his mad parenting skills:
I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
24. On looking cool:
The Zack Morris starter-kits are on sale now! Call my secretary, Gale, and get yours today.
25. On surprise parties:
@VancityReynolds Can you do me a favour. My friend's birthday is soon and wants you to pop out of a stripper cake is that cool if you do????
I've only ever tried this jumping out of piping-hot lobster bisque. Say what you will, but everybody's surprised. https://t.co/SihPU1q6oK
26. And finally, on being bad-ass:
Approximately 45 seconds after being kicked out of the Hell's Angels.