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    26 Times Ryan Reynolds' Tweets Made You Laugh Out Loud

    "Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right."

    1. On fitting in:

    When I'm in Vancouver, I carry a yoga mat everywhere so people won't make fun of me.

    2. On mom jokes:

    So cute. Asked my mom out to lunch and she yelled, "Squad-Goals!". I laughed pretty hard before never ever seeing her again.

    3. On work/life balance:

    Pretty sure most professional mimes have intimacy issues. At least the really dedicated ones.

    4. On succumbing to pop culture pressures:

    In the morning, I like to let the dogs out and sing, "Who let the dogs out" before punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.

    5. On social situations:

    Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

    6. On team sports:

    Intimidating? Sure. But "Sex-Thirsty Online Predators" is a terrible name for a softball team.

    7. On being a protective dad:

    I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it's dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

    8. On reading between the lines:

    A lot of people missed the true meaning of Michael Jackson's song, "Smooth Criminals".

    9. On intimidation:

    Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to whisper, "You'll die someday. Alone, cold and scared."

    10. On romance:

    I don't like the expression "pissing rain". Because if it was actually urine, it would totally ruin movies like The Notebook.

    11. On flirting in the 21st Century:

    Call me old fashioned, but sending a dick pic is disgusting and lazy. Real love means sending a nice bouquet of penises.

    12. On regularity:

    Got totally messed up on probiotics last night and digested the fuck out of dinner. Having a kid doesn't stop this party train.

    13. On the power of language:

    The word, "alleged" adds intrigue to anything. "This alleged candy is yummy." "My alleged brother is hog-tied in my van, crying for help."

    14. On babies and technology:

    Surprisingly easy to teach a baby to swipe right.

    15. On being a fan:

    Paint one mural of Zayn on the hood of your car using gold leaf and real hair, and suddenly you're "obsessed".

    16. On the big questions:

    I wonder if sharks are huddled up underwater, scared shitless while watching Human Week.

    17. On the never-ending story:

    Love it when mom tells an anecdote about last night's dinner, but starts with her own birth and works her way forward in real time.

    18. On baby gear:

    This is absolutely monstrous and does anybody know if it requires a permit?

    19. On his early performances:

    'Member when I performed Britney's "I'm A Slave 4 U"? But instead of wearing a giant yellow snake, I wore @NathanFillion? He has the video.

    20. On modern lingo:

    I used the expression "no chill" at dinner last night and my brother demanded to know if I was a virgin.

    21. On his PR team:

    i wonder how much the intern that runs @VancityReynolds twitter is making

    He keeps me locked in his basement with an athletic, sexually-demanding Koala. So... Not enough.

    22. On his sweet dance skills:

    I'm a two time runner up in the Saskatoon regional amateur "Whip My Hair Back 'n Forth" contest. Step off.

    23. And his mad parenting skills:

    I'm teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it's mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.

    24. On looking cool:

    The Zack Morris starter-kits are on sale now! Call my secretary, Gale, and get yours today.

    25. On surprise parties:

    @VancityReynolds Can you do me a favour. My friend's birthday is soon and wants you to pop out of a stripper cake is that cool if you do????

    I've only ever tried this jumping out of piping-hot lobster bisque. Say what you will, but everybody's surprised.

    26. And finally, on being bad-ass:

    Approximately 45 seconds after being kicked out of the Hell's Angels.