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    19 Things You Won’t Be Able to Do While Unlocking Your iPhone 5S

    It's official: the new iPhone will have Touch ID fingerprint technology. Starting September 20, your thumb belongs to Apple.

    1. Give a thumbs up.

    2. Hitchhike.

    3. Count to three in Sign Language.

    4. Declare a thumb war.

    5. Give a high “five.”

    6. Operate a jetpack.

    7. Self-administer morphine.

    8. Steal a baby’s nose.

    9. Eat olives off your fingers like a child king.

    10. Insult an Iranian.

    11. Condemn a Proto-Christian to death.

    12. Display knowledge of awkward situations and turtle anatomy.

    13. Be Jack Horner.

    14. End an infomercial.

    15. Rub it in non-primates’ faces.

    16. Land any joke that ends with an emphatic “THIS GUY.”

    17. Save the Netherlands from flooding.

    18. Achieve success as a television film critic in the late 1980s and early 1990s.

    19. Live a full and happy life free from the psychosocial fetters of modern technology.