1.
INTERVIEWER: what are your qualifications? ME: I managed to fit the entire Christmas tree back into its box INTERVIEWER: welcome to NASA you're an astronaut now
2.
Sorry I randomly asked for your address in the middle of December but still never got around to sending you a Christmas card.
3.
“Let’s go get a Christmas tree!” ~ A divorce story
4.
Our Christmas card should just be my kids on top of those balls in front of Target and a pic of everyone with a cold 10 days later.
5.
What part of “I don’t wanna spend anymore money” don’t I understand
6.
Just began my annual tradition of getting a roaring fire going, making the fireplace "too hot for Santa," and worrying the kids.
7.
Fuck it. That's good enough. -me, ten minutes into decorating the Christmas tree.
8.
Holidays are great because websites produce all these articles like “gifts your best friend will love” and “affordable gifts for your mom this Christmas” and I get to see all this shit that I’m going to end up buying for myself!
9.
*silently judges your Christmas tree decorations*
10.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
11.
No seriously, thank you for the Christmas card with glitter all over it. We were actually running low.
12.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
13.
I'm arranging all your Christmas Cards by number of years your marriage has left based on how forced the smiles are in your family photo.
14.
Every time I get a holiday card in the mail I am reminded that, compared to me, most people really have their shit together.
15.
The kids left "Santa" whole wheat cookies so Santa "forgot" to leave their presents.
16.
[Christmas morning] WIFE: You forgot to buy me a present again, didn't you? ME: How dare you [hurriedly putting wrapping paper round the dog] I said don't turn around yet
17.
[Dec. 27] *walks up to fully decorated Christmas tree* Nobody likes you anymore. Please leave.