How To Go from Dating to Broken Up

“F*** Maccaulay Culkin, never going home alone” – Childish Gambino

Step 1) Media Blitz

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GIRLS: Tell EVERYONE. If no one knows you broke up, what will people think when you have a sloppy dance floor make out with that guy you were saving for later?

GUYS: Don’t go out of your way to tell anyone because you will seem weak, right? You don’t care, right? Less b!tches less problems!

Step 2) Mourning Period

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GIRLS: Now you have to sleep in your twin bed alone. While you no longer have neck pains, it’s just not the same.

GUYS: As Pink once sang, “it’s just you and your hand tonight”.

Step 3) The Possibilities are [Re]boundless!

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GIRLS: Put down the Oreos and Peanut Butter. What is this, The Parent Trap? You are NOT reuniting with your long lost twin; there is no reason to let yourself go. Keep it tight. Once it’s tight, get it tighter. Gather your friends and hit the town. Tonight, you hunt.

GUYS: Put on your nicest button down and douchiest pair of shoes. You are not coming back home without getting to first base with at least a 4.

Step 4) Over and Onward

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GIRLS: Regardless if you did the dumping or not, don’t look back! You are a strong independent woman, right? You have so much more time to get coffee with your friends! YOU’RE FINALLY GOING TO THE GYM! Okay maybe you haven’t done that last one yet but there’s always tomorrow and if you get back together you might as well throw out the one sports bra you own.

GUYS: You are a free agent! Take this time to put that poster of Megan Fox back on your wall.

Step 5) Think Before You Act

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GIRLS: I wonder what your ex from last year is up to…

GUYS: I wonder what your ex from last year is up to…

Step 6) Lets Start at the Very Beginning

GIRLS: A very good place to start

GUYS: A very good place to start