Why I Should Be Kicked Out Of Indiana

My whole life has been a lie. Despite being born and raised here, I am really an outsider. If my Hoosier friends knew, I might have to find a new state in which to reside. These are the top five reasons I'm not really a Hoosier.

5.

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5. I don't care about the Colts. I mean, I REALLY don't care. I have to pretend to care or else I may be attacked. My personal safety is at risk. Peyton? Don't care. Luck? Don't care. Tailgating? Well, maybe. Is there beer involved?

4.

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4. My greatest asset to proclaiming my "Hoosier-ness" is my degree from Indiana University. This means that I AM A HOOSIER. One cannot merely attend IU; one must also be a dedicated IU basketball fan. My little secret: I never attended one basketball game in the four years I lived in Bloomington. I actually hid in my dorm room when the riots ensued after Bob Knight was fired. Hoo Hoo Hoosiers!

3.

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I hate local craft beer. Hoosiers have become beer snobs overnight, but I'm not buying what they're selling. Most of the local craft beers I have tried has tasted like old, smelly kegs of Schlitz, or old, smelly, leftover water after boiling hot dogs. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll stick to German and Belgian imports--the monks know what they're doing.

2.

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2. I was not born in a small town. According to Mellencamp, all Hoosiers live in idealistic, small towns with pink houses, front porches, and apple pies. How about no? I grew up in Indianapolis and went to a high school of over 3000 students. My best friend and her future husband both went to the same high school and didn't even know each other existed until years later. I never knew my neighbors and I rarely saw pink houses.

1.

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1. I've never seen this movie. Ever. And probably never will. There will be no reason once I've been kicked off the island.