The Truth About Depression And Suicide

Things I wish someone had told me during the lowest points of my life.

The Backstory

A few years ago I made a short video and uploaded it to my YouTube channel. In it, I gave a short narration on some events that had taken place in my life and how it all affected me. Within months, the video had blown up. Sites began sharing it, leading people to my page. I had person after person post comments and send messages telling me that the video had helped them through a low point in their life and inspired them to keep pushing.

But soon, I started receiving nasty responses from people I went to high school with, telling me "I would be better off committing suicide" and that "it was all just begging for attention." Looking back, I can't even tell you how irrelevant those people were in the grand scheme of things. But at the time, their words were a sucker punch. So I deleted the video-- a few clicks and it may as well have never existed.

The Confession

In hindsight, I'm embarrassed. I was a coward. I was scared of what people might think of me. I was scared that if I listened to what they were saying about me, I would start to believe it. And for a while, I did. I was recovering from a suicidal mindset and people in my hometown were telling me that I should kill myself. "If you want the attention so bad, why don't you just go ahead and commit suicide?"

I let it get in my head. I thought about the people who had shared their stories with me on YouTube. I could feel myself getting low again and would think to myself-- "These people are all telling me I was the person who got them through this... what's it going to look like if I relapse?" I was worried I was just putting up a front of feeling strong and it felt like a constant punch to the chest.

But, here's the thing... (and I don't know how to sugar coat it). I don't need the attention. Nor, do I want the attention. It's not for me. I could go my whole life without telling the world of my weaknesses and feel perfectly fine. I DO however want attention brought to the stigmatization of depression. That is important to me. I'm not willingly showing the world my vulnerabilities for "funsies." I'm on a mission.

The Second Chance

After mulling the thought over in my head for the past week, I decided to remake the video. I tried to remember as much about the original as I could, but in the end it all comes down to pure, raw honesty. So here it is.

youtube.com

The Motivation

I know that I may catch flack from this, but that's alright. I'm ready for it this time. I'm confident enough in myself to be the one to take a stand and say "enough is enough."

Why?

Because it's the right thing to do.

Because I can't tell people I've recovered from depression without being stereotyped.

Because mental illnesses "should be kept to yourself."

Because in the time it took you to watch that video, 19 teens in the U.S. attempted suicide.

And if none of those reasons seem valid enough, you can take it from these folks:

And to the people who needed to see this video in the 2 years that it was taken down: I owe you an apology. I'm sorry that my insecurities kept you from feeling like you weren't alone. I pray that you found comfort when you needed it and that you are alive and happy and well today.

The Misconception

So why re-upload it now? Why not before? Here's why.

June 22nd of this past year (2015) marked 4 years that Josh is no longer with us, which led me to post this Facebook update:

Which then resulted in a long-time friend sending me the message [shown below] over a private message.

(Their name and a majority of the message's content has been cropped out in respect for their privacy.)

I was clueless about my friend's mental battles. I didn't understand how something as big as depression could be so hard to pick up on.

And then I received the following message from someone I had taken classes with recently at my university:

Suddenly, it hit me. We've stigmatized mental illnesses, especially depression, to the point that we're blindsided by the realities of them. Even as someone who nearly lost my life to depression, I was floored at the thought that my friend-- an attractive, bright individual with everything going for them-- could be anything but content with life. You see, we have this picture in our head of what depression is supposed to look like and we're so quick to skepticize anyone who doesn't fit that mold. Maybe through the teenage-geared stereotypical films or overly dramatic marketing attempts made by the antidepressant industry, society has ingrained that image into our mind.

But there is no "poster child" for depression.

No one expected it from me. That was the shocker for my parents, my friends, my former teachers... "She's a smart girl. She's level headed. She'll find a healthy way to cope." I was the epitome of high school success-- solid grades, team captain and a student athlete, involved in the community. It may seem pretty enigmatic to admit, but I'm thankful that I experienced depression in the sense that it taught me a valuable lesson many fail to learn— Depression can hide behind virtually any mask.

Depression is not always gray tones and social withdrawal. Depression can look like the financially stable CEO of a successful business. Depression can look like a college queen, surrounded by her supportive sorority sisters.

Depression is not restricted to people with horrible lives.
And having a good life does not make your depression invalid.
The validity of your mental state is not determined by the quality of your life.

I wish I'd known that about 4 years ago, when the guilt over my depression was only worsening it.

The Bottom Line

We go through life trying so hard to find our calling—trying to impact people and make a difference in others' lives. It didn't occur to me until recently that maybe I've been missing it all along.

I'm not saying I can change the world. I'd be crazy to think I could. I'm just some 22 year old college kid. My attempts may be as insignificant as a drop of water in the ocean, but to that one person…

…To that one mom who doesn't have to bury her son or daughter

…To the baby whose older brother would have turned to suicide and missed seeing him grow up

…To that one person who has their suicide note written out and is looking for a sign not to follow through with it

My efforts just might make a difference.

I won't lie. I hope this goes viral. I hope it spreads like wildfire. But this isn't about me. None of this is about me. It's about being a catalyst. It's about barreling through societal norms and demanding that people pay more attention to the fact that suicide is becoming less of an event and more of an epidemic.

I'll make myself look like a fool if it means helping someone feel less embarrassed about reaching out and seeking help. So, even if it means standing alone, I'm going to take a stand and start talking. I'm taking the bold route.