I can only imagine that even just contemplating divorce is a completely terrifying and very hard thing to deal with. But sometimes, before the divorce actually happens, people are able to discover ways to reconcile and improve their relationships in ways they never thought possible.
So, I asked the people of the BuzzFeed Community to share their stories about the time when they were super close to getting a divorce but didn't, and how they and their spouse worked together to save their marriage. And these stories are a great lesson in communication, dedication, and working on yourself:
Note: Not all responses have come from the BuzzFeed Community
1. "We had to learn how to connect again. We had spent so much time isolating ourselves and not being together that we had to find common ground again. Our counselor told us that we had to 'build more happy memories.' So, we went back to the things that brought us closer when we were dating — cooking, going on drives, being outdoors, etc."
2. "My husband left me in July 2021. It was a bad separation and our first in our 16-year marriage. One day I thought we were good after spending time at the beach with our family, but two days later he said he wasn’t happy and needed to leave, and three days later he was moved out. We were separated for nine months, and we attempted to date other people and everything. We were a month from our divorce being official, and then we went out together with our kids to a kids show."
"Next thing I know, he’s messaging me, asking to take me out on a date. Right now, we are six months post-reconciliation and doing great. We’ve done marriage counseling and individual counseling, which have helped tremendously. His biggest help in coming back was going to his own individual counseling while we were separated."
3. "I told my husband of seven years that I wanted a divorce last month. We have relocated twice since the onset of the pandemic, which has been difficult financially and a bit disorienting. His constant negativity and bad attitude just wore me down. I was so tired of being the only emotional punching bag he had. He didn't want to separate, so I agreed to explore therapy options. We can't afford that yet, but his attitude has improved a lot."
4. "The thing that helped us a lot was the advice, 'Operate as if you are going to stay married. Do the things a married couple does.' We were scared to do anything together, like plan vacations, make large purchases, etc., because we didn’t know if we were going to make it. But when we moved forward as if we were going to stay married, that led to more healthy communication and time together, which ultimately healed broken parts of the marriage."
—Anonymous
5. "We had a really bad start; I even wanted to cancel the wedding one week before but decided to go through with it. It was really bad for a whole two years; we would bicker about stupid things that would later turn into huge fights; he had trouble controlling his anger and would end up yelling and saying really, really hurtful things to me; and I dreaded coming home from work, the total opposite of newlyweds."
6. "We were in the middle of adoption proceedings, and we didn't want to risk messing any of that up, so we stayed together. While we were essentially stuck together for that reason, we also tried marriage counseling, and our marriage improved. It's still not in an ideal place, but it's satisfactory, and we're not miserable. I'm happy with that for the time being."
—Anonymous
7. "Compromise on one or both parties to which the problem lies. My wife gave up a job and moved across the country because I was in the military. The anticipation of that move placed our marriage in danger. I know she compromised for me, and I spend every single day proving that it was worth it by showing her the love and appreciation she deserves. We've both compromised over our 16-year marriage, and it's always worthwhile."
8. "There are many things that can save a marriage, but it really depends on the situation. Sometimes couples counseling can help, or simply spending more time together and communicating more can make a difference. Sometimes it just takes a change in perspective or a realization that the other person is more important than anything else."
9. "My husband and I are currently crawling back from the brink of splitting up. We were both in really terrible places, mentally speaking, but we weren't communicating, so we were just in our own heads and miserable. That led to us lashing out at each other, a lot of hurt feelings, and just general negativity. Therapy was the biggest and most important change we made, both individual therapy and couples counseling."
10. "My husband and I had a very difficult time previously in our relationship, and we were both looking for ways out. Ultimately, we decided the only reason we were looking for an out was because we weren’t communicating or acting as a couple. We sat down and pushed through the hard time, doing what we could to prove to each other not only that we still loved each other but that we still wanted to be with one another."
"I’ve not kept tabs on the bad time, but know it was a while ago. Right now, we are cuddling in bed, watching movies and enjoying a laugh with our two children coming up randomly to give us kisses. If we went through with divorce, I would have missed out on some of my most treasured family moments. It worked out for us because we wanted it to work out."
11. "Honestly, COVID. We married young; we had been married for 15 years. Jobs kept us working late. Kids sports kept us busy, but different interests took us apart. A month before the official shutdown, we got into a huge argument over something stupid (that really wasn't stupid). We were done, but we weren't ready to tell people, so we continued with our pre-made plans. We enjoyed each other's company, but were still set on divorce."
12. "We were arguing because we weren’t hearing each other, so we had to learn how to listen, process, and then respond. We also had to learn to argue in a healthy way. One of the best pieces of advice our counselor gave us was, 'You’re allowed to fight, but you have to fight fair.' That meant no yelling, name-calling, or calling back to old arguments — in combination with actually listening and responding thoughtfully."
—Anonymous
13. "We both took responsibility for the things that were broken. After years of a very toxic marriage, yelling, arguing constantly, growing apart, and infidelities, the lawyers had been called, papers were drawn up, and the conversation with our kids had happened. And then we decided to try one session of marital counseling. It was the hardest thing either of us had done for our marriage in a long time. We actually spoke honestly to each other; we discussed the pain and grief associated with everything that transpired between the two of us. Our counselor asked for five sessions, one a week, before we filed our paperwork."
And finally, this user kept it very plain and simple:
14. "I set him free and gave him time. There ain't nothing out there better than what we have when we work together."
Were you and your partner ever considering divorce but were able to work together to reconcile? Let us know your stories in the comments!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length/clarity