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1. A book of New York Times crossword puzzles, but, like, only from the hardest day of the week, which *technically* is the only day that matters.
2. A hoodie to signal that their Tarantino knowledge runs much deeper than just Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. (They took a screenwriting class in undergrad.)
3. Temporary literary tattoos — which reminds me, you don't actually still like Catcher in the Rye, do you?
4. A T-shirt that'll speak to their very refined palate for drama.
5. A kombucha brewing kit, so they can shake their head at the dummies at Whole Foods buying the stuff for $7 a bottle.
6. A decanter that'll give them so many more opportunities to performatively swirl and sniff their glasses for guests.
7. A personalized embosser, so the next time they lend out their books (probs STAT because their curation is in HIGH demand) everyone can see their crisp, legendary name.
8. A totebag to flaunt their commitment to keeping dense, slightly-under-the-radar literary mags alive in 2019.
10. An impeccably curated guide to the world's best hideaways for the globetrotting friend who scoffed their way through Instant Hotel on Netflix.
11. A pack of mother-of-pearl caviar spoons so they can properly entertain guests with their inexplicable supply of roe and champagne.
12. An enamel pin with the name of their lord and savior on it.
13. A backlog of quarterly music journals if their preferred music genre is "8.0+ on Pitchfork."
14. A sensual, pink-peppery pomegranate reed diffuser to make them feel like they just walked into a Michelin-star restaurant bathroom.
15. A resin Greek bust because there's just enough distance from this hot 2018 trend now for them to feel counter-culture again.
16. A pair of Bowers & Wilkins PX headphones because [clears throat] technically speaking, the sound on these cans are better than the Bose QuietComforts.
17. A satirical T-shirt that'll pay homage to the short-lived (for civilians; long-lived for them, as an early adopter, of course) movie subscription service.
18. A travel-sized Old Fashioned cocktail kit because who needs first class when they can revel in the exquisite synergy of their bitters from the economy section? (Highly overrated!!)
19. A monthly cigar subscription box so the next time you see them they can talk your ear off about the importance of seeking out smokes outside of the US.
20. An art deco alarm clock, because nothing says "I have levels" quite like owning a bedside analog when you have a perfectly sufficient one built into your iPhone.
21. A French press coffee maker for the person who would never be caught dead with a K-cup in their hand.
22. A Shiv Roy–esque ribbed turtle neck that'll look stunning when accessorized with some inherited wealth.
23. A status-y hand soap to show off on their bathroom counter. "Yeah, the Hinoki scent is inspired by the Buddhist temples of Mount Koya in Japan."
24. A big literary flex of a poster that'll let everyone know that, at one point in time, they read 1,079 pages of DFW.
25. And a travelers notebook they'll be able to jot down all of their very cultured observations and poetry down in, just like in that one film that got nominated for a Palme d'Or a few years ago.
Some reviews in this post have been edited for length and/or clarity.