40 TV Teens Ranked By Whether They'd Live Or Die In The "Yellowjackets" Wilderness
Sadly, there will be no claps and "YAY ME!"s reverberating through the Canadian Rockies because London Tipton is not making it off that plane.
SPOILER ALERT FOR YELLOWJACKETS
Many questions continue to swirl around Yellowjackets in the wake of its teasing season finale. How many survivors are there? Where did Javi go? Did Lottie kill Travis? All of these questions are compelling — and certainly worth asking! — but it's possible the most crucial question of all has been lost in the discourse. We're bravely doing our part to change that by asking: Which random fictional TV characters would survive if dropped into the Yellowjackets wilderness?
From Rory Gilmore to Cassie Howard to the Fresh Prince himself, we've gleaned every possible clue from Season 1 to determine which of these teens would get their face mauled by a wolf, which would freeze to death in the snow, and of course, which would rise up the ranks to become the cannibalistic cult leader hailed Antler Queen. Let's take a look, shall we?
40. London Tipton (Brenda Song) — The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
How long do they last: Doesn't make it off the plane.
There will be no claps and "YAY ME!"s reverberating through the Canadian Rockies. That is because the heiress to the Tipton Hotel chain and the daughter of Wilfred Tipton will sadly not be making it off the private jet she chartered for our castaways. Despite her killer taste in fashion and her perky demeanor, her difficulty reading and writing will certainly make it hard for her to find the exit signage. And then there are seatbelts to consider. Airplane seatbelts are notoriously tricky even for the savviest of us. London doesn't have a chance getting that thing off, as bribing someone to unbuckle her or getting a flight attendant will be off the table while everyone is on fire. Without Maddie and Moseby there at her beck and call, I'm afraid London is our first casualty. The good news: She won't be around when someone suggests they eat her purebred Pomeranian Ivana. —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Disney+.
39. Rock Goldenblatt (Alex Swinton) — And Just Like That...
How long do they last: No longer than a haftarah reading.
Is there any room in Carrie's Eiffel Tower clutch for Rock's ashes too? Because I'm sorry to say that this teen is not making it out of the woods alive. While it's great to see someone so confident in who they are at the age of 13, I *can't help but wonder*: Is Rock actually a terrible communicator? One piece of evidence suggesting this is that their parents seemingly learn minutes before they're set to take the stage at their "they mitzvah" that they fundamentally oppose the religious ceremony. (And all labels, for that matter!) Shouldn't this have come up at some point already? Did it come up already, but Charlotte simply wasn't listening? Unclear! But what we do know is that Rock is not susceptible to peer pressure and isn't about to change their mind after being told how much time and money their mom put into organizing this function. Out in the wild, you can imagine Rock would be very self-reliant, spending most of their time on their own, asking the Yellowjackets to refer to their TikTok account anytime a personal question was directed at them ("We still don't have service," they'd respond), and getting pouty with anyone who stepped up in an authoritative role. And just like that...they would die. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on HBO Max.
38. Michael Kelso (Ashton Kutcher) — That '70s Show
How long do they last: First to die on site.
There are a plethora of reasons why Michael Kelso would be among the first to die in the Yellowjackets wilderness, but I believe there are three key attributes of his that would surely seal his doom. The first and most important is that Kelso is, in the words of the great Red Forman, a dumbass. Kelso never misses an opportunity to do something impressively stupid, including accidentally gluing himself to a fridge and trying to ride down a mountain in a canoe. Second, he’s a creature who craves instant gratification. If Kelso is hungry or horny, nothing else matters. Throughout That '70s Show, he is shown constantly getting himself and his friends into all sorts of trouble due to his inability to see the bigger picture and imagine even the slightest possible consequence of his actions. He almost burns down Jackie’s house by throwing alcohol into a fire and then later succeeds in burning down a police academy via flare gun. Last, Kelso is not a particularly loyal guy, as evidenced by his constant infidelity during his relationship with Jackie and his pleasure in screwing over Eric, Hyde, or Fez whenever he can. Most of the time, his treachery does not even benefit him. He just finds it funny. Kelso does seem to have an extremely high pain tolerance; after all, he falls off the water tower several times and shows no signs of long-term injury. But his stupidity, recklessness, and disloyalty ensure his rapid downfall out in the wild, as he would likely get caught trying to eat somebody on the first night and end up getting chosen as the first person eaten. —Blake Harper
Rent it on Prime Video.
37. Kenan and Kel (Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell) — Kenan & Kel
How long do they last: Disappears immediately in search of orange soda and dies out in the wilderness.
Immediately after the crash, Kenan would cook up a harebrained scheme to try to get everyone rescued. He would try to explain his convoluted mission to the group, but everyone would immediately see the very obvious holes in his plan and ignore him. The only person who would go along with his misguided survival plan would be his trusty sidekick Kel because that's just what Kel does. The two would then disappear into the wilderness, and nobody else would ever see them again. Months after forgetting about them, the group would stumble upon the decomposing corpses of Kenan and Kel, never fully knowing what went wrong with their plan, but correctly surmising that the duo died shortly after they left. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Paramount+.
36. Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) — Gossip Girl
SPOILER ALERT FOR GOSSIP GIRL
How long do they last: Not long, xoxo.
This one is not that hard to figure out, right? While Chuck and Blair would thrive in a dog-eat-dog survival scenario, Serena would be an unmitigated disaster. At her core, she’s a spoiled rich girl who has never really had to fend for herself, and when the going gets tough, Serena gets whiny. She constantly victimizes herself and is likely to have a breakdown anytime things get slightly difficult for her. Can’t imagine that type of behavior making her many friends in the abandoned mountains as cannibalistic tribes are starting to form. Any success she does have is almost exclusively due to the glamorous and well-connected world she was born into — and even then, she manages to blow it because of her own incompetence. She is extremely easy to manipulate and also is clearly not the most perceptive person, as she couldn’t even figure out that her stalker-turned-husband, Dan, was, in fact, Gossip Girl. If her own spouse can keep that kind of secret from her for that long, it’s hard to imagine Serena being able to stay one step ahead of her fellow survivors out in the wilderness. —Blake Harper
Watch it on HBO Max.
35. Anwar Kharral (Dev Patel) — Skins (UK)
How long do they last: One week; found dead by the lake with pants at ankles.
If only surviving in the wilds of Canada were as easy as having a lovable face and being down to shag — Anwar would have it in the bag. As a character, this recovering Muslim thrill seeker wins us over with his childlike naivete. (Or possibly it's from the mere fact he is Dev Patel.) But out in the wild, there's no doubt in my mind that he's Yellowjackets dinner. Anwar, like Serena van der Woodsen, can't read a room. It's evident from the jump, but particularly when he dates a noted stalker (nicknamed "Sketch") who is obsessed with his gay best friend, Maxxie, and is very clearly using him as a means of getting closer to Maxxie. There are many, many opportunities along the way for Anwar to pick up on this, but it doesn't all click until Sketch literally dyes his hair blonde and styles it exactly like Maxxie's. (And even then, he needs Maxxie to point out the uncanny resemblance.) The wilderness scenario practically writes itself: Anwar will be lured to his death with the promise of a sexual favor from one of the Yellowjackets. Dead. Dead. Dead. No need to review the rest of his résumé at this time. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on Hulu.
34. Brady Hobbes (Niall Cunningham) – And Just Like That...
How long do they last: Ceases to exist two weeks in after using up all his lube from Amazon Prime.
Brady Hobbes never stood a chance. The heinous son of Miranda and Steve is a horny nightmare wreaking havoc on the Hobbes residence, piano recitals, and, I would argue, pride rallies too. His own blood relatives seem to barely tolerate him, so it's hard to imagine him being warmly welcomed into the hearts of a dozen starving teenage girls in the middle of nowhere. What's that creaking noise in the cursed attic, you ask? Not to worry. That's just Brady going to town on some lube he ordered from Amazon Prime (and miraculously salvaged from the destroyed plane). Like Ben, he would also have a baffling number of condoms stashed for the trip, despite having a monogamous partner back home. If Brady doesn't cease to exist at the same time his lube and condom supply does, there is a 100% chance that his throat is slit the second those mushrooms take hold of the Yellowjacket girls. —Colin Gorenstein
Update from Episode 10: Brady and Miranda share a brief heartfelt interaction about being redheads that suggests she doesn't entirely hate her son. Also, we learn he is off to backpack through Europe, which suggests that he might have some outdoor skills. Unfortunately, his fate has already been sealed.
Watch it on HBO Max.
33. Pandora "Panda" Moon (Lisa Backwell) — Skins (UK)
SPOILER ALERT FOR SKINS UK
How long do they last: Just long enough to discover (and consume) a cluster of deadly mushrooms.
To my knowledge, Panda is the only character on this list with prior experience doing shrooms in the woods with a group of friends. And I can say with confidence that she is the only character on this list who has been peripherally involved in a violent shroom-fueled attack, which follows shortly thereafter (with Effie famously smashing a rock over Katie's head and leaving her unconscious). We can assume for this reason that Panda would not bat an eyelash if Shauna were to, say, graze Travis's jugular with a knife in a drug-addled haze. We can also assume that she'd be up for studying any manuals left behind at the site of the plane crash — especially if they needed to be translated from French. After all, Panda is a secret scholar who earns top marks in all of her classes and is eventually accepted to Harvard, much to the shock of her friends (and, quite frankly, viewers everywhere). Now for the unfortunate news: Panda is not bright where it actually matters. As happy as we are that she'll live happily ever after with Thomas at the prestigious Ivy, she does not have the street smarts — or, shall we say, wilderness smarts — to back it up. Unless, for some reason, everyone's survival depends on her eating an entire baggie of coke (by accident), I can't see this floundering mama's girl bringing much to the table. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on Hulu.
32. Claire Fisher (Lauren Ambrose) — Six Feet Under
How long do they last: Until her bullshit detector goes off.
There's been a pretty enthusiastic campaign building around Ambrose, who portrays Claire, to appear on Season 2 of Yellowjackets as Van. But setting all of that aside for a moment, let's take stock of how Claire — Six Feet Under's beloved artsy misfit, not Van — would fare in the wilderness. My guess? Not well. Sure, as the child of undertakers, she'd feel right at home seeing the corpses pile up. And sure, Claire undergoes more personal growth than arguably any other character on the show over the course of her five seasons. But when it comes to navigating the outdoors and coexisting with others, Claire is not making the grade. We can see both playing out in Season 1's "Crossroads" when Claire embarks on an expensive hiking retreat, fails to use a compass, makes incorrect snap judgments about her peers, and ultimately is kicked out of the program when she snoops around the site and finds the Crossroads instructor having sex with one of her classmates. (She is told the reason for her suspension is for bringing weed, but we know it's more sinister than that.) Despite her instincts being pretty on point with the instructor, we can see how her obsession with sniffing out the fakeness in other people (as with the "goody-two-shoes" leader of the group) might get her into a bit of trouble. After all, can a walking bullshit detector really last that long in the Yellowjackets' tangled web of lies and deception? I think not. Claire's famous last words: "I wish that just once, people wouldn't act like the clichés that they are.” —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on HBO Max.
31. Dylan Maxwell (Jimmy Tatro) — American Vandal
How long do they last: In a hallucinogenic stupor, attempts sexual intercourse with a tree he believes to be human (one month).
Dylan Maxwell is not the sharpest crayon in the box (or perhaps the fullest can of spray paint in the crate, if we're using the appropriate metaphor). He may not have ultimately been the one who drew the dicks (or did the turd burgling), but prior to his whirlwind expulsion, the true crime investigation by the Morning Show 9, and his exoneration, he was proved to be a dimwitted prankster. He'd drawn plenty of dicks previously, made prank videos with the Wayback Boys, and pushed over a port-a-potty with someone inside. Aside from prank warfare and perhaps completing the Great American Challenge (four people drink 36 beers, smoke 2 grams of weed, eat two large pizzas, and then finish a 100-piece puzzle), he doesn't have much to offer the group aside from getting on their nerves. While I don't think Dylan is an early boot, I do think his stupidity and class-clown antics ultimately have him dying via stunt before he can return to civilization (and Nana's Party). —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Netflix.
30. Eloise Bridgerton (Claudia Jessie) — Bridgerton
How long do they last: Declared all but ineligible for life in the wilderness by Lady Whistledown; dies from allergic reaction to bees two months in.
Dearest readers, Lady Whistledown here with another titillating piece of gossip that's sure to make your stomach turn underneath that petticoat. It would appear that one Eloise Bridgerton, the fifth daughter of the deceased Lord Edmund and the living Lady Violet Bridgerton, has found herself in quite a pickle. The bright, albeit socially awkward girl has managed to strand herself in the middle of the Canadian wilderness without an eligible suitor for miles (unless, of course, you count a one-legged homosexual or a wolf). A few little birdies told me that even with all those smarts, she's performing even worse in the forest than she did in the ballroom. (And how smart was she really? She couldn't even unmask me!) The poor girl (who I heard didn't even know how sexual intercourse worked) is having an awful time performing duties usually handled by the servants, and there isn't much time for reading or painting when tasked with butchering a dim-witted bear. But alas, I must also inform you, dear reader, that I don't think Miss Eloise will be with us for much longer. I've happened to notice a honeybee hive swinging from a nearby spruce, and we all know what happened the last time a Bridgerton came in contact with an insect's stinger. Buzz-buzz. Yours truly, Lady Whistledown —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Netflix.
29. Topanga Lawrence (Danielle Fishel) — Boy Meets World
How long do they last: Her hair thrives; the rest of her does not (two months).
Topanga is among the most intelligent people on this list, as she beat out fellow know-it-all Minkus in the battle for valedictorian and even gets into Yale. That will be a useful skill in the Yellowjackets wilderness, but brains alone aren't enough to survive. You need to have the unshakable will to survive, and unfortunately for Topanga, she has the fatal flaw of putting others ahead of herself. The most famous example of her selflessness is when she turned down going to Yale to go to Penbrooke University with Cory and Shawn. The fact that Topanga and Eric end up at the same college really tells you all you need to know. It makes her a great friend and partner, but it's not a quality that will serve you well in life-and-death situations. While Topanga would start out strong, she would ultimately become too attached to her fellow survivors, and when they encounter a pack of wolves, she would heroically sacrifice herself so that the rest of the group could live. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Disney+.
28. Cassie Howard (Sydney Sweeney) — Euphoria
How long do they last: Until the lovesickness takes hold.
Cassie may be dressed as if she's auditioning for Oklahoma in her gingham top, but that's about the extent of her aptitude for farming and the outdoors. The things Cassie is best at (Halloween, ice-skating, sending nudes) are not transferable skills to the remote mountains of Canada. Also, if there is one thing we know about Cassie, it is that she loves to be in love, and with limited male suitors available to her, she's likely to either a) spiral into a lovesick depression, or b) start sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend, which will CAUSE DRAMA. She may get off the plane looking fierce in a hot-pink bathing suit, but we all know that by the end of night one, she'll be barfing up deer venison and desperately apologizing while she's dragged into the creepy cabin's bathroom. Cassie may tell you that she has "never, ever been happier," but if you think she's lasting long in the Yellowjackets wilderness, "bitch, you better be joking." —Matthew Huff
Watch it on HBO Max.
27. Norman Bates (Freddie Highmore) — Bates Motel
How long do they last: Cannibalized a few months in when an attempted creek-bath stabbing goes awry.
When it comes to survival skills, Norman Bates may be one of our most capable teens. His time running a hotel in the Pacific Northwest has taught him how to fish, how to swim, how to use a gun, and how to do plenty of basic mechanical work. Not to mention, the landscape will be familiar to him, since Canada isn't far off from White Pine Bay. His work in taxidermy also leads me to believe he'd be gifted at carving up and serving the animals (and people) that the crew hunt down. Unfortunately for his fellow plane crash survivors, Norman is also possessed by a second personality: a homicidal version of his mother, Norma. Throughout the series, he kills his father, his teacher, his girlfriend, his friend's dad, his friend's mom, his uncle, his stepfather, his own mother, and, of course, a hotel guest in the shower. It would not take long for Norman to get his hackles up, fugue-state into "Mother," and try to bash someone's skull into a rock. And sure, he might be able to get away with one murder (he has experience hiding a body), but as the female survivors started to disappear, it would only be a matter of time before they found Norman dressed like Vera Farmiga in the woods and put him out of his misery. —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Peacock.
26. Devi Vishwakumar (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan) — Never Have I Ever
How long do they last: A few months; she's survived by John McEnroe, who provides narration of her death.
Let’s start with the positive: Devi is smart, ambitious, and slightly devious. This combination makes her a great student and would also serve her extremely well in the remote wilderness. If Devi really wants something, she is going to do everything in her power to get it, even if that means breaking the rules or screwing somebody else over. That killer instinct might be a problem in the real world, but out in the wild, it would keep her alive once everyone started to turn on each other. The minute the plane crashed, Devi would be concocting a survival plan while secretly figuring out how to take down everyone around her if it comes to it. Devi would not seek out conflict, but she would absolutely be prepared once things took a Lord of the Flies turn. The problem is, Devi has a short temper, which makes her incredibly impulsive and leads to bad decision-making that always blows up in her face. And while she would start off strong, it would only be a matter of time before the stress and isolation got to Devi, leading her to make some critical error that would be her ultimate undoing. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Netflix.
25. Erin Quinn and Clare Devlin (Saoirse-Monica Jackson and Nicola Coughlan) — Derry Girls
SPOILER ALERT FOR DERRY GIRLS
How long do they last: A few months; they try to make friends with everyone, but in a fight with the wilderness, the wilderness wins.
Erin and Clare have a lot going for them. They are the only ones living in an active war zone on this list. They are tragically used to living with violence all around them, so I think they'd be able to handle the plane crash's initial brutality. However, they are also entirely clueless and constantly getting into trouble. Every time they have a plan, it backfires and leads them to more shenanigans. They want to go to a concert and end up in a van in the countryside. They cram all night for a test and miss it because they follow a dog around town. When trying to prove herself as a friend to all, Clare rappels down a boulder, fully harnessed in with a helmet on, just feet of the group, and has a full panic attack/meltdown, cursing the lives of the people around her. While there are no boulders in the Yellowjackets world that we know of yet, it doesn't bode well for their overall survivor skills. Somehow, Erin's journal would be read à la Shauna, and all of her feelings about the other girls would come pouring out, which would turn the others against them. They would concoct a brilliant plan to get the girls back on their side, but after a miscommunication, à la "Catholic" versus "athletes," the rift would get worse, leading to their demise. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Netflix.
24. Moesha Mitchell (Brandy Norwood) — Moesha
How long do they last: Right up until shit gets too real.
Early on, Moesha would be everyone's favorite member of the group, as she would keep everyone's spirits up despite the grim circumstances. She's also shown herself to be self-sufficient, so she wouldn't need to rely on others in order to keep herself alive. Unfortunately, I think Moesha's downfall mostly stems from the fact that she is too good a person. Throughout the first season, we already see the callous nature required to survive in Yellowjackets, including attempted poisoning and letting your friend freeze to death. Once those types of shady shenanigans started to emerge, Moesha simply would not be able to stand by and watch people do things that she knows are wrong. And with cannibalism clearly on the horizon, Moesha would refuse to participate, likely making herself a few enemies with rapidly decaying morals. Eventually, a few of the more devious members of the survivors would turn on her to provide some food for everyone while simultaneously eliminating the group's moral compass. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Netflix.
23. Maddie Perez (Alexa Demie) — Euphoria
How long do they last: Has less success banging on the door this time; dies sleeping in the cold three months in.
Maddy Perez does not suffer fools. She is not about this wilderness life. She does not like hunting. She does not think it's cute to have a campfire. And she most certainly is not down for any of Lottie's "There's a demon in the house, and I'm possessed by the spirit of this maggoty deer" bullshit. Perhaps this sounds familiar to us Yellowjacket viewers. She's confident. She's combative. She's dating the hottest boy in school (who is secretly hooking up with her best friend). She is...dare I say it...the Jackie of Euphoria's cheerleading team (although we certainly see her doing more partying than cheering). Like Jackie, she would be turning looks on the way from the dead man's cabin to the watering hole (two-piece sets only, please). Like Jackie, she would try to throw a fun party/seance to lighten the mood. And like Jackie, she'd be trying to GTFO. But Maddy's skill set (like Jackie's and like Sharon Stone's in Casino) is heavily reliant on manipulating men, whether that be in a swimming pool, in a hot tub, or at a chili cook-off. With limited men at her resource, she would 100% sleep with the only available option and be exiled to the snow. And despite her being VERY GOOD at banging on bathroom doors, I fear that like Jackie, she would be found frozen in her sleeping bag at the end of Season 1. —Matthew Huff
Watch it on HBO Max.
22. Rory Gilmore (Alexis Bledel) — Gilmore Girls
How long do they last: A single winter; freezes to death while reading Charlotte Brontë.
“I live in two worlds," Rory says in her Chilton graduation speech. "One is a world of books. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone.” This quote presents a few insights into how Rory may fare in the wilderness: The first is that everything she knows comes from books. She has virtually no practical skills — or physical skills, for that matter. (We never see her exercise, though she will go to the gym to drink fruit-infused water.) Her only leadership role (as editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette) is the result of someone else getting ousted, and because they kind of just agree she isn't the worst option. She’s also canonically bad at making friends, so I can’t see the girls rallying behind her. However, she does describe her family as “flesh and bone,” which is very buzz, buzz, buzz behavior. Ultimately, she will not handle the hard labor, and she will freeze at the first drop of snow. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Netflix.
21. Maya Ishii-Peters and Anna Kone (Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle) — PEN15
How long do they last: They HAGS (have a great summer) and then get cocky and die.
Let's just go ahead and state the obvious: Maya and Anna are essentially joined at the hip, incapable of doing much of anything without the other. Does this lend itself to efficiency around camp? Certainly not. Jesus take the wheel if Maya were ever asked by Ben to hold down the fort while Anna was off collecting firewood. In Season 2 of PEN15, we get a glimpse into what life might look like for the two as independents, and it's not pretty. The two immediately begin antagonizing each other from their respective places of power in the school play — Anna as the stage manager and techie, and Maya as the featured romantic lead. What's more, the two are tragically gullible and walk right into the traps that others have laid for them. We see this early on, with Maya falling for an AIM user named Flymiamibro22 (who ends up being Sam), and later with Anna running away from home to participate in a modeling gig that she genuinely believes will launch her career, despite the glaring red flag that there is a $3,000 admittance fee attached. As if this wasn't already enough, the two possess a truly lethal combination of pride and bull-headed determination that would likely end in both of them attempting to resuscitate an abandoned plane (after "studying the manual all week") and bursting into flames mid-flight. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on Hulu.
20. Will Smith (Will Smith) — Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How long do they last: Starts strong, but things get flipped, turned upside down pretty quickly.
You know what’s an underrated survival skill? Charm. Sure, you need to figure out what you’re going to eat and where you are going to find shelter, but a group also needs to keep from abandoning all hope. And having someone as likable as Will would go a long way in keeping everyone’s spirits high even when they’re stranded in the wilderness. Will is gifted with the ability to be effortlessly cool, and people are naturally drawn to him. Early on, Will would be the most beloved member of the group, as his witty banter and playful flirting would keep his Yellowjacket survivors from descending into total despair. But unfortunately, charisma (even charisma as undeniable as Will’s) can only get you so far, and once things really started getting dire, Will’s fellow survivors would start to notice that he uses his charm to avoid doing the one thing he hates: work. It’s not that Will isn’t smart or talented. On the contrary, he’s shown to be good at almost everything he applies himself to. But while the adage goes, “Don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today,” Will’s philosophy is, “Why not just get somebody else to do it for you?” It’s an effective strategy, but it would eventually catch up with him once the stakes are genuinely life-and-death. —Blake Harper
Watch it on HBO Max.
19. Nina “Nini” Salazar-Roberts (Olivia Rodrigo) — High School Musical: The Musical: The Series
How long do they last: As long as Pit Girl lasts; does not survive.
“We’re all in this together,” Nini would cheer triumphantly once the girls made it to the lake. Although she would firmly be on Team Wait by the Plane, she would go with the majority. Nini’s can-do attitude would get her far. She may not be the most athletic of the group, but I do believe she would get her hands dirty looking for firewood or sterilizing their products. The biggest knock against her is just how mad she got at E.J. for lightly poisoning the girl who was supposed to play Marian the Librarian in The Music Man. It’s not as if he was trying to kill her! He just got her a little sick so that Nini, her understudy, could go on. I’m not saying what E.J. did was right, but it did lead Nini to newfound confidence. Nevertheless, Nini was appalled that someone could do something like that. Honey, if you don’t like a little accidental poisoning, you’re not going to last in the woods. Nini also gives Ricky a dog tag necklace as a sign of affection. Thus, we can assume necklaces are meaningful to her. Nini would take Jackie’s gold heart necklace, making her a Pit Girl, a tragic way to go. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Disney+.
18. Alex Dunphy (Ariel Winter) — Modern Family
How long do they last: A solid year, then faints at the sight of the blood river and drowns in it.
Alex was my very first candidate to survive. She’s absolutely one of the smartest on the list (I’d say top two). And unlike the Rory Gilmores of the world, Alex seems to have some practical life skills. She would know which berry she could eat and which one would kill her on the spot. Much like her parents, I don’t understand how she knows everything she does. She’d be a more likable Misty, knowing when to amputate someone’s leg to save their life and how to close the wound. She would immediately be the leader of the group. She would get them to water, find shelter, figure out what resources they have, and make a plan of action. She would stay calm in the face of danger and be a light for others. But then winter would come. Alex is the only person we have actually seen trying to survive in freezing temperatures, and it doesn’t work out well. Her internship in Antarctica lasts only one month before she flees home, partly because she thinks a coworker is trying to seduce her (fair) and because she is very cold. If you can’t last in freezing temperatures inside with thermals and blankets, I don’t think you’re lasting long in the woods. And did I mention that she has passed out on more than one occasion at the mere sight of blood? She'd be queazy at Lottie's mention of a "river of blood," and when she actually saw it, it'd be game over. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Hulu.
17. Raven Baxter (Raven-Symoné) — That's So Raven
How long do they last: Survival is NOT the future we can see (14 months).
Raven, the psychic teen of the Disney Cinematic Universe, surely must be our Lottie, right? Well, not quite. If you'll recall, Raven's whole deal was that she was not only able to see visions of the future but was frequently misinterpreting them and trying to intervene. Lottie, by contrast, has an eerily spotless track record. The blood river! The flare gun! The brain-dead bear! Raven does have an advantage over Lottie in that she can pull off a killer disguise. Would there be a situation that called for dressing as a lunch lady, yoga instructor, or Tanya Baxter? Who can really say at this rate, but we do know she'd be more than up for the challenge of putting together a terrifying Antler Queen getup. Now, let's briefly investigate her character. Is she capable of leading a cult? Also not totally clear, though the unexplained disappearances of a girl on the school newspaper who threatens to expose Raven's psychic abilities, AND a fellow psychic who flies a bit too close to the sun and starts dating her best friend, are fodder for theories that Raven is stealthily killing off anyone who undermines her position of power. When push comes to shove, though, no one can afford to make as many consecutive mistakes as she does when the stakes are this high. Dead! —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on Disney+.
16. Seth Cohen (Adam Brody) — The O.C.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE O.C.
How long do they last: Sixteen months (his Chrismukkah miracle never comes).
A neurotic homebody who loves comic books and his toy horse named Captain Oats doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for Yellowjackets success. However, that isn't to say that Seth is dead in the water, either. In fact, speaking of water: Seth proves himself to be quite the savvy seafarer asThe O.C. progresses. Not only does he spend a summer in Portland, Oregon, working at a kayak rental shack, but he also channels his existential loneliness into sailing the oceans on his boat he's named Summer Breeze. Putting hobbies and summer gigs aside, it's hard to ignore the eerie parallel that he wants to go to Brown and never does, just like our surviving protagonist Shauna. So, what is it, then, that ultimately stops Seth short of making it through all 19 months? Is it his crippling self-doubt or skepticism? Not really. (A skeptic making it out of the wilderness alive isn't without precedent in Yellowjackets, e.g., Taissa.) I'd like to believe it is his complete inability to keep a single thought to himself that does him in. Sure, refusing to keep your secret romance with Summer Roberts quiet and shouting about it atop a coffee cart for the entire school to hear is cute if you're a hopelessly lovesick student at Harbor School. But out in the woods after a devastating plane crash? Clumsy and erratic behavior like this would be a big liability. All of this aside, Seth is portrayed by Adam Brody, and you should always assume that when you see Brody enter the frame, he will eventually be brutalized or killed off. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on HBO Max.
15. Quinn Mossbacher (Fred Hechinger) — The White Lotus
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE WHITE LOTUS
How long do they last: We'll get back to you once we've determined how his Fiji trip went.
Whaddya know? It's Quinn Mossbacher, the other dweeby rich guy who iconically sails into the horizon for a season finale! So, what else is there to this literally and figuratively adrift teen who might help us unpack his eventual quarter-life crisis — and, hopefully by extension, his chances of survival in the Yellowjackets wilderness? Let's start with the fact that he's the only ensemble character we meet at the White Lotus with virtually no interest in lapping up the amenities the luxury resort has to offer. He appears to have been dragged against his will. He lives his life out through screens. He likes porn! He does not like quality time with his dad. And perhaps most relevant to our line of inquiry here: Quinn thinks life is pointless. So when we finally get to his moment in the sun (so to speak), we are left to wonder: Has he finally found enlightenment? Or is he about to tragically discover that he will never be able to outrun the feeling of being a "parasite on Earth"? I'd like to believe Quinn's longevity in the Yellowjackets wilderness hinges on this existential question. If Quinn can put aside his nihilism (as well as his Switch, which would probably run out of batteries eventually anyway) and just "live in the moment," maybe he stands a fighting chance at survival. If not, we will undoubtedly see him retreat. He will be a Javi: enigmatic, away from the girls, presumed dead...but, in fact, alive until the moment Adult Shauna stabs him because he is actually Adam? (For the record, I reject this theory.) —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on HBO Max.
14. Malcolm (Frankie Muniz) — Malcolm in the Middle
How long do they last: Seventeen months, and breaks the fourth wall with an eye roll before he's offed.
This Harvard-bound Krelboyne is certainly bringing some College Board realness to the Canadian wilderness. But as with Rory, Topanga, Alex, and the other fallen soldiers who have come before him, it bears repeating: How much do book smarts really matter in a life-and-death situation? Let's have a look inside Malcolm's toolbox. One of the more compelling cases to be made for his survival is that he is constantly coming to the rescue of others in his life — whether it's tutoring Reese, jumping into a tiger pen at the zoo to retrieve Dewey, inadvertently leading his drunk and stranded father back to safety, or securing a job interview for a homeless man he meets in the park. The tragedy of Malcolm's character, though, is that his acts of heroism go largely unnoticed by those around him — and they are certainly never reciprocated in any meaningful way. Take, for example, his family abandoning him during a two-day stay at the hospital. While the family is dining out for pancake breakfasts and playing board games, back at the hospital, there's practically a Twilight Zone episode unfolding. Doctors mistakenly put a cage over Malcolm's head and try to operate on his brain and then later misdiagnose him with appendicitis and pin him down again to try to surgically remove his appendix. Malcolm is frequently left to his own devices, and while he's usually able to mastermind his way out of these dire situations — as he does by analyzing his own blood work and threatening to sue for malpractice or, to a lesser extent, faking an emotional breakdown to get out of Medieval Week at school — I can't see the same ingenuity working in the clutches of a blood-hungry animal. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on Hulu.
13. Jazz and Sky Forster (Chloe and Halle Bailey) — Grown-ish
How long do they last: Presumed dead trying to outrun a bear, but their bodies are never found.
Jazz and Sky are the best athletes on the list, which automatically earns them at least a few good months out in the wilderness. They’re both top Division 1 runners. They both go to Olympic trials, and Sky makes it on the Olympic team! (Because she’s a great runner, and definitely not so Halle Bailey could leave the show and film The Little Mermaid.) We don’t see the Yellowjacket girls do a lot of running post-soccer game, but if I were Van with my face ripped off, I’d sure want Jazz or Sky running to get me help, however little help there may be. They’re both strong-willed. While they fight, as all siblings do, they’re also each other’s biggest advocate and supporter. Having your twin sister by your side when you’re terrified and cold would be a significant asset. I could see it going south if they disagree with the leader. Nobody wants to be on their bad side. Sky can dismantle the strongest person in a sentence. So they’re not following someone they don’t believe should be in power. To that leader, I say, sleep with one eye open. Could they be the two to break off and start a new faction? BRB, Lottie. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Hulu.
12. Marissa Cooper (Mischa Barton) — The O.C.
SPOILER ALERT FOR THE OC
How long do they last: A very long time, but then dies the most Shakespearean death.
The first, and most important, thing you should ask before dropping a teen into the remote Yellowjackets wilderness is: Have they shot a man? In the case of this Orange County femme fatale, the answer is a resounding yes. The importance of knowing how to effectively manage a firearm should not be understated in the wilderness (e.g., Natalie and Travis), and crucially, Marissa does not simply stand by, waiting for a brawl between Ryan and his scumbag brother, Trey, to resolve itself. She detects danger and takes actionable steps to protect those she loves. Still the question remains: Can she protect herself? Well, if we can set aside the fact that Marissa is technically dead — tragically dying in Ryan's arms after a drunken car explosion in Season 3 — one could reasonably check off most precursors on the list. Marissa has moderate experience fending for herself in unfamiliar environments: She runs away to Chino when she finds out her mom is having a fling with Luke. Not for nothing, she also has experience being involved in secret pregnancies that involve betrayal and heartbreak. Unfortunately, this Core Four member is a magnet for tragedy, and there is just no conceivable ending for Marissa that doesn't involve a fiery, gruesome death. If I had to take a wild guess, Marissa gets her face mauled by a wolf, then gets tossed into a fire by the Yellowjackets and briefly regains consciousness to offer a breathy "hey" before finally closing her eyes for good. Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" plays softly in the background. —Colin Gorenstein
Watch it on HBO Max.
11. Lizzie McGuire (Hilary Duff) — Lizzie McGuire
How long do they last: Likely survives, but her cartoon avatar does not.
Getting told you're an "outfit repeater," as Lizzie does by her frenemy Kate, might be considered the ultimate burn for a teenage girl at Hillridge Junior High School. But out in the wilderness? It's considered an asset. Lizzie has a leg up on everyone else in this area, as wearing repeat outfits for months — if not years — on end might not initially come easy for all. And beyond her capsule wardrobe, Lizzie's not afraid to embarrass or put herself out there, whether it's an ugly sweater on picture day or singing in front of a sold-out Colosseum (practical logistics aside). My primary case for Lizzie’s survival is that she's a good and loyal friend. I do not think Lizzie would try to seize power. Instead, she would observe what was around her and fall behind whichever leader she thought was right. This isn't to say that Lizzie would be a blind follower without her own set of survival ideas, just that she would know the right time and place to present them. She would be a good worker. Lizzie has a strong sense of right and wrong, so while she may question the morality of the methods used to stay alive, she's, in my estimation, smart and scrappy enough to make it till the end. Her avatar, on the other hand, would crumble. As Lizzie's narrator, she observes all the death and destruction around her, internalizing every feeling to shield Lizzie from the horror. Ultimately, it's too much and the grief consumes her. She's driven mad...RIP, cartoon. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Disney+.
10. Peyton Sawyer (Hilarie Burton) — One Tree Hill
SPOILER ALERT FOR ONE TREE HILL
How long do they last: Survives but cries a lot.
If she is one thing, Peyton is a survivor. No matter what you throw at her, she will survive, BUT it comes at the cost of weeping gallons and gallons' worth of tears. The punk rock cheerleader of OTH (and I'm only counting her four seasons as a teen before the Season 5 time jump) has been through a lot. Her biological mother died in a car crash. Her adoptive mother died on the eve of their album release. Lucas chose Brooke over her. Then, when he did choose her, he had a heart attack. Jake left her twice. Her father is never around. She was shot in the leg by a school shooter. The man she thought was her half brother turned out to be a crazed, murderous stalker. So do I think that Peyton will have any trouble surviving a measly plane crash and eating her friends? Absolutely not. But will she have a dry eye for more than 10 minutes of the 19 months? Nope. And avoid her at all costs upon her return because she will be giving long, tearful monologues about her unhappiness. Perhaps she can just give them to her once-boyfriend Pete Wentz, though? —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Hulu.
9. Chris Rock (Tyler James Williams) — Everybody Hates Chris
How long do they last: Survives by flying under the radar and hoping nobody notices him.
Chris might not strike you as the type who would survive in a situation like the one we see in Yellowjackets, and that’s exactly why he would survive. For his entire life, Chris has been underestimated by everyone around him. He’s the butt of every joke and generally seen as a screwup who is going nowhere fast. Nobody is going to be worried about Chris being a threat, and with each passing day, people will likely be surprised he’s still alive. But the thing about Chris is that, while bad things do happen to him, it’s not because he is incompetent or stupid. In fact, Chris is secretly a pretty talented and capable guy. He might not be a super genius or master manipulator, but he’s also not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, he’s socially awkward, but putting your foot in your mouth is not going to be as much of a problem once society crumbles. So while Chris won’t be the most popular or important person in the group, he’ll happily fly under the radar and be the guy you never expected to make it to the end. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Peacock.
8. Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) — Friday Night Lights
How long do they last: Survives, and the whole thing only makes him cooler.
Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. That’s the Dillon Panthers’ way, and it’s exactly what would make TV’s consummate bad boy with a heart of pure gold a guaranteed survivor if he were one of the passengers on the Yellowjackets’ crashed plane. Everything about Riggins would serve him well in this disastrous scenario. On a primal level, he’s a tough-as-nails athlete who would have no problem with the day-to-day tasks required to live out in the wilderness. He would likely immediately demonstrate his value to the group by wandering off without an explanation, only to return carrying a dead deer to feed everyone. In terms of the psychological aspects of survival, Riggins would fare just as well. He’s a man of action who doesn’t feel the need to run his mouth to prove himself. Riggins isn’t afraid of standing up for what’s right when the situation calls for it, but he’s not seeking out conflict just for the hell of it, either. Even when circumstances got increasingly grim and the group started embracing their prophetic cult leader, Riggins would keep his cool and do whatever it took to stay alive. The only real danger he faces is having too many of his fellow survivors fall in love with him and someone try to murder him in a jealous rage. But Riggins is no stranger to scorned lovers and would once again find a way to emerge unscathed. —Blake Harper
Watch it on Peacock.
7. Mary Anne Spier (Malia Baker) — The Baby-Sitters Club
How long do they last: Survives, and her journals become the source material for the Yellowjackets feature film.
Mary Anne, the contemplative and wise "philosopher" of the Baby-Sitters Club, was made for the role of secretary. Perhaps, also, she was made for a 19-month stint in the wilderness. This is a girl who knows her strengths — organization, critical analysis, perfect penmanship. She’s the girl who writes on the board. You were either this girl in middle school or jealous of this girl. I was the latter. Mary Anne is great in a crisis. She accidentally gets locked in a haunted underground tunnel without a phone and handles the whole thing with grace. Like Misty, she has valuable babysitter first aid training. She would immediately assess the situation post-crash and get to work helping, delegating as she went. I believe she would find the black box, but she’s not villainous enough to destroy it. On a high of newfound power, she simply wouldn’t mention it. She would want her ideas to be heard, but she wouldn't be forceful or grating. She’s clever, practical, and a crucial righthand for any leader (as we see with Kristy). She’d grow from a secretary to a de facto chief of staff. Without her dad’s presence, Mary Anne would let her hair down and thrive in the woods. She’s loyal to her club, so she’d be loyal to the Yellowjackets. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Netflix.
6. Maeve Wiley (Emma Mackey) — Sex Education
How long do they last: She survives and teaches the team how to use Ben's condoms along the way.
The best word to describe Maeve Wiley is "self-reliant" — well, and blisteringly intelligent. And of course ridiculously witty. And secretly sweet, fiercely loyal, and effortlessly cool. She also happens to be the owner of the best fringe jacket seen in the whole of the British Isles. There is not a chance in hell that Maeve doesn't survive the Yellowjackets plane crash. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that had Maeve been on the soccer team (which she wouldn't have been because she doesn't do sports), the whole team would have survived. WIth her father gone and her mother in jail for drug dealing, Maeve grew up on her own. She still managed to be the smartest person in her class, open a lucrative sex therapy clinic for teens, and raise her younger half sister. Despite her hard shell, though, Maeve cares deeply for her friends. When Aimee is sexually assaulted, Maeve is the one who takes care of her and restores her confidence. She will lead these teens to safety, even if it means sacrificing some of her own mental health. No one is getting eaten on Maeve's watch, even if she is a "cock biter." —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Netflix.
5. Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera) — Glee
How long do they last: Survives, and goes on to write and star in the Tony-winning Broadway musical based on the experience (Rachel is also nominated this year but goes home empty-handed).
I would argue that no fictional character is better equipped to handle being in Yellowjackets than Santana. While others adapt to chaos and conflict, she was born into it. She knows that life’s a bitch and then you die, making her mentally prepared for whatever type of curveballs life throws her way. Shortly after the crash, Santana would immediately establish herself as one of the leaders in any group, dishing out harsh truths about what it takes to survive and calling out anyone who is dragging everyone else down with their mopey self-interest. And if it comes down to kill or be killed, Santana would not even hesitate before going for the jugular. Would her abrasive attitude make her some enemies? Certainly. But Santana’s bark is every bit as vicious as her bite, and she would have no problem taking down anyone stupid enough to try to cross her. Plus, Santana may have her fair share of foes, but her intense sense of loyalty would earn her a few allies who would kill or die for her. The fact that I didn’t even mention her extreme athletic abilities shows that Santana would emerge from the wilderness stronger and more terrifying than ever. —Blake Harper
Rent it on Prime Video.
4. Paris Geller (Liza Weil) — Gilmore Girls
SPOILER ALERT FOR GILMORE GIRLS
How long do they last: Survives, and finds a way to get college credit for her time in the woods.
Certainly there is a case to be made that Paris would be the first one murdered and then potentially eaten. After all, she is the only one on the list to have had an actual coup formed against her. And we've seen what happens when she has power: She becomes a dictator and then cracks under the pressure. After the plane crash, Paris would be first to take control; eventually, though, the girls would turn on her, and the situation would escalate to Travis levels — you know, with a knife to her throat, fear in her eyes, and then, miraculously, she'd be saved. Paris is too valuable. She's too intelligent. She would survive out of sheer will. She would know how to get water, and she would know how to disinfect a cut. That's not to say she would particularly enjoy the work of helping people, though. Despite eventually becoming a doctor, Paris doesn't seem too enthusiastic when her sick boyfriend needs her assistance. (She cleverly makes her childhood nanny take care of him instead.) She's an innovator, a delegator. Once she survives her first ousting and falls in line, she goes the distance. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Netflix.
3. Michael Lee (Tristan Wilds) — The Wire
How long do they last: Nobody is taking him down; he survives and likely takes a few people out in the process.
Michael is an intelligent and self-sufficient guy who is able to rise up the ranks of Marlo’s drug crew with his work ethic and natural leadership. He’s also a skilled boxer, so much so that Cutty offers to train him. All of this would benefit him out in the wilderness, but none of it is why I know for a fact that he would survive. Michael is going to make it to the end because he can handle the heat. When Snoop was preparing to put the drop on him, Michael figured it out with ease and ended up turning the tables on one of the most formidable killers in all of Baltimore without her having a clue until the gun was pointed at her face. That is the type of ruthless cunning you need to make it out of the wilderness alive, and Michael proved that he can plot someone’s demise while keeping up a clueless facade that only makes him more dangerous. So if anyone else in the group so much as considers taking Michael down or making him their next meal, he would likely have sniffed out their treachery and already taken steps to destroy them. And if he was able to survive the unforgiving Baltimore streets, he’d have no problem in the Canadian wilderness. —Blake Harper
Watch it on HBO Max.
2. Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) — Hannah Montana
How long do they last: Survives along with her sweet niblets.
"I can fix the flat on your car. I might even be a rock star." Therein lies Miley's thesis statement, her campaign slogan, the reason she makes it till the end. Miley can do it all, and she's the best of both worlds. While there might not be cars or flats to fix in the wilderness, it stands to reason that these practical skills might extend to other useful survival instincts. The summer Miley spends in Crowley Corners, Tennessee, she learns the value of hard work (arguably, being Hannah Montana is already arduous work), performing manual labor and building a chicken coup. Then there's the fact that she's an undercover rock star. Miley knows how to work a crowd, she knows how to calm down fans, and she knows how to charm a million people. She would immediately know how to seize power, but kindly, with a smile. Plus, her godmother is Dolly Parton. I'm not sure exactly how that helps in this scenario, but it doesn't hurt. Eventually her secret would come out, as all secrets do in the dark, frozen woods. Who is this girl who looks and sounds exactly like Hannah Montana? Could it be? And when Miley admitted she is, in fact, Hannah, the antler crown would be placed upon her head. —Dana Elle Salzberg
Watch it on Disney+.
1. Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch) — Riverdale
How long do they last: Doesn't just survive but thrives in the wilderness and the press tour after.
If you don't think that Cheryl Blossom, aka Cheryl Bombshell, deserves the top spot, "Did you have a lobotomy for breakfast, you ghoul?" The HBIC of Riverdale did not come to play, and you better believe that if she's stranded in the frozen Canadian wilderness for 19 months with a horde of horny soccer players, she will quickly become the reigning queen bee. In her words, "You're welcome to challenge me, but you'll lose." Lottie can keep her cute little antler queen title — Cheryl's already dealt with the Gargoyle King (not to mention the Black Hood, the Farm, the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, the Auteur, Jason Blossom's killer, her mother, her father, and Hiram Lodge). Her bow-and-arrow prowess will make her a natural provider, hunter, and defender. (Those wolves don't stand a chance. She shot a burning arrow into a moving canoe from across the river.) She's led the River Vixens, the Southside Serpents, and the Pretty Poisons, and she headlined Carrie and Heathers, so she's got the leadership skills. She's survived a frozen river several times and a burning house, so she's virtually indestructible (not to mention she was the one who set the house on fire in the first place, which is another survival skill Jeff Probst would be proud of). Her family business is maple syrup, so she knows how to tap a tree (not to mention how to ferment it into rum) and thrive in cold weather. She escaped a conversion therapy asylum. She broke free of a cult. She shot a serial killer with a bow and arrow. She waterboarded her own mother with maple syrup. Plus, she's got no problems spending time with a corpse. After all, she lived with her twin brothers at the dining room table for some time. In conclusion, Cheryl has intellectual skills, leadership skill, survival skills, hunting skills, protection skills, and food-procuring skills and will be performing all said activities with her signature red lip. To Lottie she will say, "You can't have any of my bodily fluids, you succubus," and to everyone else on this list: "Listen up, 5s, a 10 is speaking." —Matthew Huff
Watch it on Netflix.
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