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Doing A Really Good Job At Guided Mindfulness Exercises At 8 PM On A Sunday

Take a Deep Breath, quiet your wandering thoughts, and follow this five minute guided meditation.

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Getty Images/Flickr Open Ilan Shacham / Via huffingtonpost.com

Gong.

I got this. It's only five minutes long. That's like one-fourth of an episode of an episode of The Simpsons, or like, one-tenth of an episode of The Bachelor , or like, one-twentieth of a British TV show. I made it through a whole episode of Sherlock once when I was over at that guy's house and they were all watching Sherlock and I was like, "I love this show!" because I was nervous and didn't know any of them and I was trying to find some common ground, but then I didn't really understand how those two British guys were brothers and the way the characters kept pronouncing "advertisement" was truly confusing to me.

Begin by finding a comfortable seated position, one that suggests a sense of wakefulness and presence.

And also I don't really get the whole Benedict Cumberbatch thing? I can appreciate an "unconventionally handsome" hunk. Like, Giovanni Ribisi, maybe? And also Seth MacFarlane when he was randomly on that one episode of GIlmore Girls in like, 2003, years before he sang that awful song about boobs at The Oscars and ruined The Oscars forever for me.

Noticing a sense of the body sitting here, becoming aware of any sensations arising in the body without trying to change anything. Just noticing and observing what's here.

Wait, are the Oscar nominations out? I need to check my phone, even though I know I shouldn't because mindfulness, or whatever. But I need to check super quick. Just for 30 seconds. Oh, wait, they're not out, but the Golden Globes nominations are. Wait, Eddie Redmayne and Benedict Cumberbatch are nominated for Best Actor? They're both British, right. One of them is Sherlock? Which one is it again? I get so confused.

And now getting familiar with the activity of the mind in this present moment. Where is the mind, and what is it up to. Is it in the past, the future? What thoughts and feelings are passing through the mind right now.

Ok I really am putting my phone away but wait, it says here Gillian Flynn wrote and is nominated for the screenplay for Gone Girl? That's like me writing a thinkpiece and then being paid to write the tweet version of it. Or something like that. Say what you will about its airport ubiquity, but that is a startling piece of fiction!

Just being open to whatever arises.

Ok turning phone off for real. Meditation time.

Now directing your attention to the fact that you are breathing. Gathering your attention on the part of the body where you experience the breath most vividly, noticing each inhalation and exhalation.

I guess I feel my chest tightening up. My arm is tingling, too. I feel like this isn't supposed to be happening? Should I call dad? No, he's been sleeping since 8 PM. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. You're ok, girl.

When you notice your attention has wandered off into thoughts, memories, fantasies, plans, or worries, just notice where it has gone and then gently or deliberately bring the attention back to focus on the breath once again.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Ok.

Trying to be aware of the sensations of this breath in this moment.

Inhale.

And this moment.

Exhale.

And this moment.

Inhale.

And this moment.

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I FORGOT HOW TO EXHALE.

Notice all the sensations that arise in the body in this moment. Imagine the whole body breathing, just expanding and reaching.

SO MANY SENSATIONS. Mostly of breathlessness. Just think of calming things: palm trees, and honey butter, and that photo of North West wearing a skunk costume on Halloween.

If a sensation arises somewhere in the body that is particularly intense, see if it is possible to be open to what you are feeling, into this place, and letting the exhalation create a kind of softness around this area.

That was so intensely cute and the costume looked sooo soft. I do hope she has somewhat of a normal life, though. I hate to judge children, but I do worry about those younger girls. Do they go to high school? I know they're lucrative businesswomen, what with their cosmetic campaigns and hair extension lines, but at the very least they need GEDs.

Then returning your body once again, perhaps experiencing this as a sense of spaciousness and openness and bringing this feeling with you as you go about the activities of the rest of your day.

Oh score, I think this thing is almost over.

Remembering that the breath is always available as an inner anchor and a safe harbor no matter where you are. By returning to the breath you can invite spaciousness around experiences, creating a pause. Perhaps seeing things in a new light.

It has to be over now right? Please be over.

Gong.

That was so spiritual. I cannot wait for the unique challenges and opportunities that the new week brings. Namaste.

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