1. Shop for your home at the local dump.
All models come standard with a convertible roof and sliding doors. If vaulted ceilings aren’t available, go for a skylight.
2. Hire some hot scientists to test the inside of your new home for pathogens.
Because your neighborhood pest control doesn’t handle e-coli, bubonic plague, and stale Budweiser.
3. Secure your home from being ‘serviced’: The sound of a garbage truck will haunt you.
Let’s see, which alarm to choose on the iPhone? Crickets, harp, or GARBAGE TRUCK. Wakey, wakey!
4. Pass on the bamboo: opt for carbon-neutral cardboard.
Because it’s recyclable and you can always steal some more from the neighbor’s recycling bin.
5. Find a trashy chick: Preferably one that doesn’t require a lot of hygiene from her man.
“Hey honey, you wanna come over to my place tonight? It’s a bit trashed.”
“Sure, baby. Let me just find my rubber gloves.”
6. Save $$$ on water: Haul your drinking water from the local lake.
After all, hauling water from an Alpine glacier isn’t all that efficient — and the local lake is free.
7. Solicit friends and co-workers for air fresheners.
Invest in GLADE stock because you’ll be purchasing in bulk.
8. Do a kitchen makeover: a camp stove, a packet of ramen and a carton you found out of a dumpster will do just fine.
Pass on the marble countertops.
9. Invest in roofing: because a leak will cost you.
In Texas, spring showers are less like puddles of playful raindrops and more like torrential thunderstorms that hint at impending apocalypse.
10. Raid other dumpsters for your household appliances.
That’s a mighty fine looking broom. Hogwarts dumpster edition.
11. Use adequate signage lest people toss trash in your house.
Mom always said to lock the doors when away from home.
12. Make yourself seem ‘normal’ by breaking out the weirdos.
Come on, guys. This isn’t a performance art piece.
13. Get a lightning iPhone app: Because you don’t wanna go out like that.
Is it advisable to seek shelter in a giant metal box?
15. The ‘Parade of Homes Neighborhood Home Tour’ should be a weekly ordeal.
Unlike MTV Cribs, this tour is pretty short. Now, get out of my house!
16. Get ‘theft’ coverage on your entire home.
Don’t you hate it when you come home from a long day of work only to discover that your house has mysteriously disappeared from the face of the earth? It’s a real bummer.
17. Have ‘good clean’ fun (most of the time).
This isn’t just a mid-life crisis — living in a space that is 1% the size of the average American home is surprisingly do-able with the right resources. Less is more, my friends — less is more (except when it comes to deodorant).
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