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I'm Sorry, But Camping Is Fucking Horrible

Nature schmature.

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Hi. Hey. Hello. I won't waste any of your time, so I'm going to come right out and say it: camping sucks.

NBC

Same, April, same.

I've been camping twice, and each time it was a traumatic* experience. This was literally me the entire time:

*OK, I'm being dramatic. But you get it.
Getty

*OK, I'm being dramatic. But you get it.

Now, I'm not here to knock anyone who loves camping, because hey, we all have our vice. But when I say camping sucks, I have receipts. Let me break it down for you.

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1. Camping is dirty as fuck.

Nickelodeon

For starters, there's dirt EVERYWHERE. And mud. Nature is not clean, so good luck.

2. You literally have zero cell service.

Bravo

How else are you going to communicate with your loved ones?

3. You're basically sleeping on the floor.

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It's cold. And uncomfortable. And just all around terrible.

4. And tents are a real bitch to set up.

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5. Your food choices are very, very limited.

Fox

Sure, baked beans are ok the first time, but by day three? Not so much.

6. Speaking of food, these things just do not cut it.

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Portable stoves sound cool in theory, but no. Just no.

7. You smell bad the entire time.

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Showering won't save you. Deodorant won't save you. Body spray won't save you. NOTHING WILL SAVE YOU.

8. It's almost never as ~luxurious~ as you see on TV.

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Unless you go "glamping," you're bound to run into a blunder like this.

9. Hiking is cool, but only after like, five minutes. Then it's actually a workout. And workouts are never fun.

Fox

You go on ~vacation~ to relax, not workout.

10. You run the risk of getting seriously lost if you're not paying attention.

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Seriously, the woods are fucking massive and have you SEEN The Blair Witch Project? No. Thank. You.

11. You're constantly worried if Jason Voorhees is going to come up to your tent and chop you into smithereens.

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Hey, you never know what can happen.

12. And the threat of coyotes, bears, or any other gigantic animal is there, too.

Fox

Though this one may be a bit more realistic.

13. On top of ALL of that, not only are campfires difficult to start, but they can also be incredibly dangerous.

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14. Bugs of all shapes and sizes will be there whether you like it or not and ask, "Where's the party?"

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15. It gets so fucking dark at night you will actually have trouble sleeping.

I know it sounds weird, but it happens. Like, give me SOME light to work with here.
Nickelodeon

I know it sounds weird, but it happens. Like, give me SOME light to work with here.

16. But hey, at least you won't need an alarm clock because the Sun...

...which actually really sucks, because you have no choice but to wake up at the butt crack of dawn.

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Nature, am I right?

So, there you have it. You can thank me in advance the next time you think about going camping.

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