17 Times Magazines Gave Advice That Absolutely Nobody Should Listen To

Sex, fashion, food — all of the bad advice.

1. This creepy advice for sneakily trying to figure out someone's penis size.

Christopher Hudspeth

"Want to know how your man stacks up? You can't exactly bring a ruler to bed, but you can 'accidentally' drop a Sharpie in his lap. The average erect penis measures 12.7cm, about the length of the iconic marker."

2. This sugary oral sex advice that runs on Dunkin'.

Apple / Via reddit.com

"Gently stick his penis through the hole [of a glazed donut], then nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension."

3. This crazy, colorful suggestion.

Christopher Hudspeth / BuzzFeed

"Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it's yummy. He'll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery!"

4. This idea of flirting that sounds like it was written by a prank YouTuber.

Christopher Hudspeth / BuzzFeed

"Your flirtationship with the hottie in chem just started heating up — don't let it fizzle over the summer! On the last day of school as you're saying bye, lean in and smear shaving cream on his face. Say, 'Sorry, had to do it for the Vine!' (Enlist his pal to film it!) You'll win cool-girl points for the best end-of-year prank, and he'll start scheming cute ways to get back at you over break. Bring it on!"

5. advice fashion of piece dumb This.

Christopher Hudspeth / BuzzFeed

"Reverse your shirt (or his!) to look even better from behind."

6. This hot tip for making budget breath mints that I'm guessing four out of five dentists would say, "WTF" to.

Christopher Hudspeth

"If you're hosting a dinner party and don't have a lot of cash, make alternative after-dinner mints. Simply freeze a tube of toothpaste, then cut it open and slice the contents into wafer-thin pieces to produce your very own treats. The look cool and will also leave your guests with fresh breath."

7. This embarrassingly bad emoji sexting advice.

😘🌀👃🏾 🌀🌘= "I'm going to blow your mind tonight."

🐙😛= "My thoughts are occupied and horny."

🍀💤🌜= "Get lucky later."

💄🚀🌠= "Explosive oral sex later."

🍷🐫= "Drinks followed by two humps."

💋🐢😍 = "Kiss me slowly, sweetie."

8. This advice that involves uttering the words, "Damn, your pecs are so hard."

Christopher Hudspeth

"Ways to become a legendary flirt: 'Trip,' fall against a man's chest, and say, 'Damn, your pecs are so hard, I felt like I was falling into a wall.'"

9. This weird solution to deciding between two potential love interests.

Fox / Via reddit.com

"Problem: Two hot guys who are also roommates are hitting on you. You have to pick one fast. No pressure."

"Fix: Look down. Go with the guy whose feet are pointed toward yours and who your feet point toward as well. This is a sign you connect on a deeper level."

10. This absolutely terrible, toxic weight loss advice.

ChristopherHudspeth / BuzzFeed / Via reddit.com

"Lose weight: Carve your name into a potato and peel it as you picture yourself losing weight. Say, 'I am slim, I am fit, I am getting rid of it!' Perform this potato ritual every time you feel tempted to overindulge."

11. This suggested starting point for a bedroom fantasy.

Christopher Hudspeth

"Evoke his blind ambition.: You wake up with 2.5 minutes to spare before your alarm rings. Rip off the cami you slept in, and tie it over his eyes. Now you can spin a fantasy using nothing but your words. Here, we'll get you started: "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now, watching us..."

12. This very bad advice that sounds like it was written by the toxic couple at your high school.

Christopher Hudspeth / Via reddit.com

"It's so annoying when your guy will only text you and refuses to talk on the phone. Break his textaholic habit by calling him in response to every message he sends. Eventually he'll have to pick up to avoid the constant incoming calls. Tell him you're going on a texting strike until he agrees to have verbal phone conversations occasionally. Since he now knows how frustrating it is when someone won't communicate the way he wants to, he should be willing to compromise."

13. This terrible tip for getting freaky with an eating utensil.

canada_is_communist / Via reddit.com

"Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt, cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."

14. This recommendation that you make friendship an expense.

Christopher Hudspeth / BuzzFeed

"Pay your BFFs to love you. One thoughtful Venmo and you're basically an angel."

15. This tip for a sex maneuver that sounds like a twisty, dangerous, disaster waiting to happen.

Christopher Hudspeth / BuzzFeed

"The Dirty Dreidel: Start on top, then swing your right leg over his torso and swivel around to reverse-cowgirl. Just make sure you're (not) dry and ready, and dreidel you will play."

16. This tip for giving better head.

Amy Sussman / Getty Images

"Give a better BJ. The first rule about piping his piper is to do it. The second rule is to make eye contact with your man as you do it. This tip is so simple yet so important (and so often forgotten!). As you get to work, glance up at him in the most sexy, sultry, Scarlett Johansson-like way...and hold his gaze for a few seconds while you sexily lick your lips. It'll seem like you're treating him to something extra special."

17. And finally, this advice that's so silly, it just might work?

Christopher Hudspeth / Via reddit.com

"Snapflirt with him! Save the selfies for your girls. If you really want to get a guy's attention, Snapchat him a pic that's more unexpected. Take a photo of your fingers, draw on faces, and write in, "Wanna hang?" It's funny and different, so he'll want to get back to you — stat!"