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Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The Upcoming NBA Season Drama As Explained By "Mean Girls"

The Golden State Warriors = The Plastics.

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The NBA and Mean Girls are two widely beloved things. Their respective fan bases might not intertwine a ton, but if you look closely at the looming 2016-2017 NBA season’s biggest storyline, there are some glaring similarities. There's drama, cattiness, and competition around the NBA, and those things are all themes in Mean Girls. So, it only makes sense to explain professional basketball in terms of this sacred 2004 comedy. First and foremost, you should be familiar with some of the various types of groups and characters in the NBA.
Paramount Pictures

The NBA and Mean Girls are two widely beloved things. Their respective fan bases might not intertwine a ton, but if you look closely at the looming 2016-2017 NBA season’s biggest storyline, there are some glaring similarities. There's drama, cattiness, and competition around the NBA, and those things are all themes in Mean Girls. So, it only makes sense to explain professional basketball in terms of this sacred 2004 comedy. First and foremost, you should be familiar with some of the various types of groups and characters in the NBA.

Just like Mean Girls had cliques, the NBA does too! You've got your freshmen...

That’s Brandon Ingram of the Los Angeles Lakers, and he’s new to the NBA, entering his first season.
Harry How / Getty Images / Paramount Pictures

That’s Brandon Ingram of the Los Angeles Lakers, and he’s new to the NBA, entering his first season.

Unfriendly hotheads.

That guy with the ball is Matt Barnes of the Sacramento Kings. The dude behind him is his teammate, DeMarcus Cousins. The guy next to him is Zaza Pachulia. These are three of the biggest troublemakers in the NBA, and you’ll see them involved in altercations all season long.
Cary Edmondson / USA Today Sports / Paramount Pictures

That guy with the ball is Matt Barnes of the Sacramento Kings. The dude behind him is his teammate, DeMarcus Cousins. The guy next to him is Zaza Pachulia. These are three of the biggest troublemakers in the NBA, and you’ll see them involved in altercations all season long.

Nerds.

That’s Kyle Anderson, and his shorts are as short as his socks are high.
Stocktonshorts /Paramount Pictures / Via Twitter: @stocktonshorts

That’s Kyle Anderson, and his shorts are as short as his socks are high.

Desperate wannabes.

That’s Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose of the New York Knicks. They want to be the best team in the NBA but they’re probably just going to be pretty alright. They’re like the kids who are stuck in-between the social outcasts and popular kids. Like, they won’t get stuffed in a locker, but they’re not winning Prom King, either.
Michael Reaves / Getty Images / Paramount Pictures

That’s Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose of the New York Knicks. They want to be the best team in the NBA but they’re probably just going to be pretty alright. They’re like the kids who are stuck in-between the social outcasts and popular kids. Like, they won’t get stuffed in a locker, but they’re not winning Prom King, either.

Seasoned veterans.

That's Dwyane Wade of the Chicago Bulls. He's been in the NBA since 2003, and has won three NBA championships, in 2006, 2012, and 2013. Three for you, Dwyane Wade, you go Dwyane Wade!
Jonathan Daniel / Getty Images

That's Dwyane Wade of the Chicago Bulls. He's been in the NBA since 2003, and has won three NBA championships, in 2006, 2012, and 2013. Three for you, Dwyane Wade, you go Dwyane Wade!

Guys who win a lot.

That’s Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker, and Gregg Popovich. They’re members of the San Antonio Spurs, a franchise who has won five championships in recent memory (1999, 2003, 2005, 2007, 2014.) They’re the kid who already has an A, but still does any extra credit assignments.
Steve Dykes / Getty Images / Paramount Pictures

That’s Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker, and Gregg Popovich. They’re members of the San Antonio Spurs, a franchise who has won five championships in recent memory (1999, 2003, 2005, 2007, 2014.) They’re the kid who already has an A, but still does any extra credit assignments.

And guys who never win.

That’s Jahlil Okafor pictured above, and nicely put, he plays for the Philadelphia 76ers, who, nicely put, are not a good professional basketball team.Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time to talk about the starring attraction...
Mitchell Leff / Getty Images / Paramount Pictures

That’s Jahlil Okafor pictured above, and nicely put, he plays for the Philadelphia 76ers, who, nicely put, are not a good professional basketball team.

Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time to talk about the starring attraction...

Kevin Durant = Cady Heron

The NBA’s big storyline centers around a player named Kevin Durant. Kevin goes by KD, which, funny enough, sounds exactly like Cady – as in Cady Heron. KD was a generally well-liked individual, who found himself a couple of trusty friends.
Paramount Pictures

The NBA’s big storyline centers around a player named Kevin Durant. Kevin goes by KD, which, funny enough, sounds exactly like Cady – as in Cady Heron. KD was a generally well-liked individual, who found himself a couple of trusty friends.

Russell Westbrook and Steven Adams = Janis Ian and Damian Leigh

Cady’s close friends were Janis Ian and Damian, and KD’s friends/teammates in this analogy are Russell Westbrook and Steven Adams. Think of Russell Westbrook as Janis, because he's super intense like she was, and think of Steven Adams as Damian, because they’re both hilarious.
Paramount Pictures

Cady’s close friends were Janis Ian and Damian, and KD’s friends/teammates in this analogy are Russell Westbrook and Steven Adams. Think of Russell Westbrook as Janis, because he's super intense like she was, and think of Steven Adams as Damian, because they’re both hilarious.

So, KD had friends whom he’d formed a bond with, just as Cady did. From across the way they looked on at another, more popular group. For Cady, Damian, and Janis, it was the Plastics. For KD, Russell Westbrook, and Steven Adams, it was the Golden State Warriors.
Ezra Shaw / Getty Images / Paramount Pictures

So, KD had friends whom he’d formed a bond with, just as Cady did. From across the way they looked on at another, more popular group. For Cady, Damian, and Janis, it was the Plastics. For KD, Russell Westbrook, and Steven Adams, it was the Golden State Warriors.

The Golden State Warriors = The Plastics.

Much like the Plastics, the Warriors are a polarizing bunch. They’re more popular than any other team in the league right now, and love ‘em or hate ‘em, people can’t seem to stop talking about, and being in awe of them. So, who are the members of the Golden State Warriors and how do they compare to the Plastics?
Paramount Pictures

Much like the Plastics, the Warriors are a polarizing bunch. They’re more popular than any other team in the league right now, and love ‘em or hate ‘em, people can’t seem to stop talking about, and being in awe of them. So, who are the members of the Golden State Warriors and how do they compare to the Plastics?

Steph Curry = Gretchen Wieners

Steph Curry is totally like Gretchen Wieners. Not just because they're both popular, but each of them have successful fathers. Curry’s dad didn't do anything to change the world, like invent the toaster strudel, but he did have an accomplished, 16-year career in the NBA.
Paramount Pictures

Steph Curry is totally like Gretchen Wieners. Not just because they're both popular, but each of them have successful fathers. Curry’s dad didn't do anything to change the world, like invent the toaster strudel, but he did have an accomplished, 16-year career in the NBA.

Klay Thompson = Karen Smith

Klay shows shades of Karen through his unintentionally hilarious moments.
Paramount Pictures

Klay shows shades of Karen through his unintentionally hilarious moments.

Draymond Green = Regina George

He's the Regina George of his team, but how else do I even begin to describe Draymond Green?
Paramount Pictures

He's the Regina George of his team, but how else do I even begin to describe Draymond Green?

Draymond Green often plays dirty, taking cheap shots at other players on numerous occasions. Pictured above is Matthew Dellavedova. Draymond Green once sat on his head.
Paramount Pictures

Draymond Green often plays dirty, taking cheap shots at other players on numerous occasions. Pictured above is Matthew Dellavedova. Draymond Green once sat on his head.

Pictured above is ESPN reporter Lisa Salters, who reportedly heard Draymond Green go on a vulgar rant aimed towards his coach and teammates, during the halftime break of a game in February of 2016.
Paramount Pictures

Pictured above is ESPN reporter Lisa Salters, who reportedly heard Draymond Green go on a vulgar rant aimed towards his coach and teammates, during the halftime break of a game in February of 2016.

It's true, Draymond Green did do a Foot Locker commercial with Michelle Williams.
Paramount Pictures

It's true, Draymond Green did do a Foot Locker commercial with Michelle Williams.

Draymond Green has kicked multiple opponents in the crotch over the past year. Pictured above is Allen Crabbe, Draymond's most recent testicle kicking victim.
Paramount Pictures

Draymond Green has kicked multiple opponents in the crotch over the past year. Pictured above is Allen Crabbe, Draymond's most recent testicle kicking victim.

In June of 2016, Draymond's team led three games to one in a best-of-seven series, meaning he was one victory away from winning the NBA championship. Draymond's team went on to lose three straight games and the championship to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Pictured above are J.R. Smith and Kyrie Irving, members of the Cavaliers.
Paramount Pictures

In June of 2016, Draymond's team led three games to one in a best-of-seven series, meaning he was one victory away from winning the NBA championship. Draymond's team went on to lose three straight games and the championship to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Pictured above are J.R. Smith and Kyrie Irving, members of the Cavaliers.

That's Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers, and yes indeed, one time Draymond Green elbowed him in the face.
Paramount Pictures

That's Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers, and yes indeed, one time Draymond Green elbowed him in the face.

So, at first, KD and Draymond were on opposing sides.

Before Cady sat with Regina George at lunch, you wouldn't have expected her to join the Plastics, because she had her own group you thought she'd be loyal to. It was similar for KD, whom many expected to stick with his squad.
Ezra Shaw / Getty Images

Before Cady sat with Regina George at lunch, you wouldn't have expected her to join the Plastics, because she had her own group you thought she'd be loyal to. It was similar for KD, whom many expected to stick with his squad.

But KD became more friendly with the enemy.

And then...
Ezra Shaw / Getty Images

And then...

Suddenly, KD joined the Plastics of the NBA -- the Golden State Warriors.

KD truly joined the enemy, signing with the Golden State Warriors about a month and a half after they'd narrowly beaten him and his teammates in the playoffs. This is like if Cady, Janis, and Damian got hit by a bus that Regina, Gretchen, and Karen were operating. Then, instead of using their own bus to get revenge, Cady decided to leave Janis and Damian, to join Regina, Gretchen, and Karen in running them over again next season.
Thearon W. Henderson / Getty Images

KD truly joined the enemy, signing with the Golden State Warriors about a month and a half after they'd narrowly beaten him and his teammates in the playoffs. This is like if Cady, Janis, and Damian got hit by a bus that Regina, Gretchen, and Karen were operating. Then, instead of using their own bus to get revenge, Cady decided to leave Janis and Damian, to join Regina, Gretchen, and Karen in running them over again next season.

There's a reason Cady got caught up with the Plastics, just like there's a reason KD joined the Warriors.

Cady was heavily drawn towards a boy she wanted named Aaron Samuels, leading to her falling in deeper with the Plastics. So, who is KD's Aaron Samuels?
Paramount Pictures

Cady was heavily drawn towards a boy she wanted named Aaron Samuels, leading to her falling in deeper with the Plastics. So, who is KD's Aaron Samuels?

LeBron James = Aaron Samuels

KD doesn’t want LeBron in the same way that Cady wanted Aaron, but he’s certainly chasing after him. Why? Well, because LeBron is the leader of the reigning NBA champions – the Cleveland Cavaliers. KD is striving for that. He wants LeBron’s trophy, so he’s pursuing after him by any means necessary, disregarding loyalty and friendship in the hopes of winning his Aaron Samuels.
Paramount Pictures

KD doesn’t want LeBron in the same way that Cady wanted Aaron, but he’s certainly chasing after him. Why? Well, because LeBron is the leader of the reigning NBA champions – the Cleveland Cavaliers. KD is striving for that. He wants LeBron’s trophy, so he’s pursuing after him by any means necessary, disregarding loyalty and friendship in the hopes of winning his Aaron Samuels.

Regina had Aaron before, and Draymond has had LeBron before, kinda.

Draymond Green already beat LeBron James for the 2014 NBA Championship, and he can remind KD of that, just as Regina reminded Cady that Aaron was hers.
Paramount Pictures

Draymond Green already beat LeBron James for the 2014 NBA Championship, and he can remind KD of that, just as Regina reminded Cady that Aaron was hers.

KD's former teammates are now his enemies.

What remains unknown in this metaphorical investigation is how things will play out in the NBA version of Mean Girls. Will Kevin Durant and his teammates clash until they eventually implode on themselves like the Plastics did, or will we see them stick together and remain on a pedestal above their peers?
Paramount Pictures

What remains unknown in this metaphorical investigation is how things will play out in the NBA version of Mean Girls. Will Kevin Durant and his teammates clash until they eventually implode on themselves like the Plastics did, or will we see them stick together and remain on a pedestal above their peers?

Other players aren't thrilled with KD.

A lot of players don't like that KD has joined the NBA's Plastics, and they haven't been afraid to speak on it. Pictured above is future Hall-of-Famer, Paul Pierce, who had a lot of feelings on the situation, stating that KD isn't competitive for joining a basketball team that was already really good, instead of trying to be the leader of his own squad.
Paramount

A lot of players don't like that KD has joined the NBA's Plastics, and they haven't been afraid to speak on it. Pictured above is future Hall-of-Famer, Paul Pierce, who had a lot of feelings on the situation, stating that KD isn't competitive for joining a basketball team that was already really good, instead of trying to be the leader of his own squad.

Now, the NBA's Plastics begin their reign of terror.

Remember the scene where the Plastics totally crushed their performance of “Jingle Bell Rock?” Even when the stereo got knocked over and their routine was in jeopardy, Cady improvised and began singing, leading the group to a successful finish. Well, that’s what kind of basketball team the Golden State Warriors are going to be. Every time the Warriors step on the court, they’re going to perform as well as the Plastics did, and even if something goes wrong, KD, or another member of the team will adapt, and they will overcome it. Collectively they'll form an indestructibly arrogant, basketball shooting, record-breaking, shade-throwing, beautiful monster.
Paramount Pictures/ Ethan Miller / Getty Images

Remember the scene where the Plastics totally crushed their performance of “Jingle Bell Rock?” Even when the stereo got knocked over and their routine was in jeopardy, Cady improvised and began singing, leading the group to a successful finish. Well, that’s what kind of basketball team the Golden State Warriors are going to be. Every time the Warriors step on the court, they’re going to perform as well as the Plastics did, and even if something goes wrong, KD, or another member of the team will adapt, and they will overcome it. Collectively they'll form an indestructibly arrogant, basketball shooting, record-breaking, shade-throwing, beautiful monster.

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