1.
Burnt 1500 calories today...😁
2.
By the time I get this bread it’s gone be STALE. IM TIRED.
3.
boss: you failed your drug test me: there were poppyseeds on my bagel boss: so what about the weed and amphetamines me: boss: me: it was an everything bagel
4.
every drink i make is a handcrafted beverage made with care and craft
5.
I'm at a wedding and they went with a Gritty cake, so rest assured that there is ONE thing in this universe that isn't garbage trash https://t.co/OEajyvsNFX
6.
This is the epitome of transferable job skills https://t.co/G6SyveH7UK
7.
the class system in the u.s. is people who search food in google maps vs people who search restaurants
8.
do y’all light the fire before or after you pour the milk
9.
You Toast https://t.co/gxVDpQtFoh
10.
damn @McDonalds u freaky
11.
does....justin bieber not know how... burritos work ?
12.
Me leaving a pan to soak after cooking knowing I have absolutely no intention of washing it
13.
I went through the chick fil a drive through bawling and the girl asked me if I wanted a chocolate or vanilla milkshake. And I was like no I ordered a sweet tea and she goes “no honey you need a milkshake” Service: unmatched
14.
here’s a never-ending video of a man distributing rotis to some monkeys. congratulations on making it through today
15.
You say you love mangos, but do you love mangos as much as the guy i saw ripping one apart for lunch with his bare hands and teeth in a cold New York City park? He was wearing an overcoat and beanie.
16.
THESE COOKIES ARE VERY GOOD TO ME
17.
how you secure the bag after getting that bread...
18.
well his name isn't Cookathome Malone https://t.co/XdFw1Id7Wr
19.
Me: iight fine let’s go get something to eat Her:
20.
When your son Kyle is hungry after motocross practice
21.
burger king bought surge back ??? taste like that good battery acid 😎👌🏽
22.
Pull up, then, Karen. https://t.co/9VJFCp7aXz
23.
cereal be high af when you good
24.
so at my school today there was a fight between the chick fil A cows and chickens 😭 just watch please
25.
How im walking in on thanksgiving to get my plate
26.
Me: I need to start saving money Someone: hi Me: you’re right, we should go eat out
27.
Lmao nobody can say they knew this
28.
Lmao nobody can say they knew this
29.
i wouldn’t even cook crack in here https://t.co/oqNGyYg2do
30.
31.
* breathes heavy * Its a bad mufucka https://t.co/5JhaPLsd3K
32.
U literally did the most to create oatmeal https://t.co/SXk5FnipCe
33.
told him I was taking him out to dinner and he ordered a $250 steak lmao
34.
why does half of Twitter think they're going to lead a communist uprising when they're too scared to order pizza on the phone
35.
this is exactly what McDonald’s sprite taste like https://t.co/ZRsE5NtHd1
36.
I'll just leave this here.
37.
I went ahead and exposed they ass.
38.
Sunny D tastes like someone made a bet that they could make orange juice without oranges.
39.
Dinner date didn’t go as planned
40.
Me: “I’m hungry I’m finna get something to eat” My bank account:
41.
I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.
42.
block me if you eat like this https://t.co/gLGlC2Rheu
43.
RUN ME MY CHECK https://t.co/fSz7sTG2lu
44.
no ice? just freeze some water. https://t.co/YID3kHAJou
45.
Why is this video sexy https://t.co/15eWI8TS7p
46.
Uni has taught me that if food fits in something, you can eat out of that thing
47.
I was asked to make a dessert 🦃✌🏽
48.
dude: hey u eaten yet? me: no but i’m hungry dude: ight bet! well i have plans catch u later tho?
49.
she has a point
50.
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with.
51.
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal
52.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
53.
[ikea date] him: let’s go check out the beds ;) me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
54.
Me at Olive Garden looking at the menu knowing damn well I’m getting Chicken Alfredo
55.
I like eating Salt and Vinegar chips because it hurts a little and I feel like I deserve that for choosing to eat chips
56.
Waiter: and for you? Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
57.
torn between getting chinese food for dinner and just fucking dying
58.
i texted my dad saying “happy monday let’s get this bread”. his response was “i can go to Costco after work”. amazing
59.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
60.
*at a restaurant with a baby* separate checks please
61.
My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn’t want to share it with our kids.
62.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
63.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
64.
Made a sandwich 10 min ago and been looking for it ever since then🤦🏾♂️ I gotta stop smoking😂
65.
BEFORE HAVING KIDS: "I am NEVER making separate meals for my children" 4 YEARS LATER: "Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its."
66.
[McDonalds drive thru] toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
67.
good morning, i went to chick-fil-a for breakfast and my total came out to $6.66 so the cashier changed it to 6.26 and gave me a large lemonade for free. the devil works hard but damn do chick-fil-a employees work harder
68.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party. It's a conversation starter: "Ever seen a lion's egg?" A conversation avoider: "Excuse me! Hot hot hot!" A conversation ender: "Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!" Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
69.
Me: “okay I’m done spending money.” Friend: “wanna go eat?” Me:
70.
Saw my ex working at McDonalds and she spit in my drink, acting like I'd be disgusted LMAOOO bitch I ate your ass this aint nothing bon appetite
71.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad me: that is true of literally every food
72.
“you still eat Scooby-Doo gummies?” me:
73.
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School.
74.
Sometimes I just look at pictures of the earth from space and I marvel at how beautiful it all is.
75.
It’s the remix to ignition
76.
*accidentally eats fruit seed* Friend: Omg you know it’s gonna grow in your stomach??????? 7 yr old me:
77.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread ray: of sun that cooks the bread me: a gal who eats the bread fa: ther also eats the bread so: da bread’s a kind of bread la: vash is another bread tea: a drink. anyway, bread! that will bring us back to dough
78.
I keep subtitles on when watching netflix cause my fatass cant hear whats going on over the munching of snacks
79.
waitress: i’m sorry your food is taking so long! me: *presses forehead against hers* listen to me. i know it’s not your fault. i love you. i am tipping you 80%.
80.
the romance I deserve.
81.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
82.
men: -ugly -gross -cost you ur peace tostitos hint of lime tortilla chips: -beautiful -delicious -cost $3.99
83.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
84.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I'm wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
85.
is it logical to eat pho every day
86.
Do y’all eat these popsicles like this? or like this? Fav if u agree
87.
i just wanna say i am SO thankful for fucking potatoes. they are literally good in any form?? french fries? smack. mashed potatoes? smack. baked potatoes? smack. tater tots? smack. skillet potatoes? SMACK. name a form of potatoes that isn’t good....i’ll wait
88.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
89.
real ones remember this
90.
This is why I chose Cal State Fullerton over Harvard https://t.co/Xh3AALDHqa
91.
This makes sense and I am shook.
92.
My sister brought the Grinch an onion yesterday and I about died 😂😂😂
93.
My cat is going through a phase where he doesn’t eat unless I sit with him.
94.
This is a pro soup account. If you don’t like soup fuck you
95.
My fatass was drunk last night and had a photo shoot with my McDonald’s hashbrown at 4AM
96.
Whoever invented tacos was in they fuckin bag that day
97.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming. Me: No.
98.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread...
99.
[ordering from the dollar menu] me: hi i'll have 7 dollars please
100.
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.