10 Things You Don't Say To Someone With Cancer
We need hope, not blind optimism.
1. āMy [insert someone you know who died of cancer] passed away from cancer.ā
Please donāt. How about telling us who didnāt die of cancer?
2. Post-chemo: āAre you in remission?ā
No. We are supposed to be cancer free now.
If you look up āremission,ā it means that itās still in your body; itās just not showing itself. I recently asked a friend who also had cancer, āWhen do you stop worrying that it will come back?ā Her answer: āIāll let you know.ā She had cancer over ten years ago.
I didnāt go through 28 chemo therapies to be reminded of the odds. Instead, try asking: āHow long have you been cancer free?ā (Uplifting, encouraging, validating.)
3. We promise you wonāt catch our cancer.
This isn't really a don't-say-this-to-a-cancer-patient one, but it's very important. You won't catch our cancer, so please donāt avoid us or try to keep your distance. We still need hugs and love.
4. āCan/will it come back?ā
Sigh. Don't you think we're already asking ourselves this question? We don't need you asking too.
5. āSo...what are your chances?ā
You'd be surprised at how often I heard this. Please donāt do this to anyone.
6. āEverything will be okay.ā
Although we all hope for this, we just donāt know. Not only does it sort of discount the weight of the situation, but it also seems like a conversational cop out.
7. āWill you lose your hair?ā
Yeah, probably. Anything else?
8. āYou donāt look sick.ā
Thank you?
9. āDoes it run in your family?ā
The question is unnecessary. It runs in lots of families, but what's the point of asking? Does that somehow make it better? Or okay?
10. āWhat stage are/were you?ā
This might not seem like a big deal, but asking what stage we are/were is a very personal question. Itās almost like asking, āDid you make it to the doctor soon enough?ā And what if we didnāt? Again, what difference does it make to know?
Will you treat us differently depending on what stage? And what facial expression are you going to show us if itās a later stage? Or earlier stage? Will it be horror or relief? Either way, it sucks.
More than anything we crave genuine conversation and to be treated normally. We don't want forced, blind optimism, but rather true connections that help us maintain some kind of grasp on normal.