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15 Devices From Your Nightmares Masquerading As "Beauty Products"

We'll stick to coconut oil, thaaanks.

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1. Breast Lift Pads ($323):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Chrissy: If they're trying to insinuate that big-ass donuts will give you bigger boobs, I am living proof that this method works.

Kristin: I don't always blur my nipples, but when I do, it's because I am embarrassed of them and not the huge ham radios on my chest.

2. Double-Chin Slimmer ($15.50):

Amazon / Via amazon.com

Kristin: OK, so you stick this under your chin, and then nod a lot. It's called "neck training." NECK TRAINING.

Chrissy: Prettttty sure holding a penis pump-type thing under your chin all day is a tad more distracting than just having a double chin in the first place.

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3. Surgery-Free Nose Job Clip ($6.96):

Chrissy: Greg, stop stealing my chip clips goddamn it.

Kristin: Here's how you get a surgery-free nose job!

Step 1: Clip it on your nose

Step 2: Suffocate

Step 3: You don't need a nose job anymore

4. Body Hair Thinner ($37):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Chrissy: "For those moments when you want to look like just a slight whisper of a man." — Their slogan, probably.

Kristin: Current mood: The face it looks like this comb is making when you tilt your head to the right.

5. Under-Eye Skin Tightener ($104):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Chrissy: AKA vibrators that you pretend are for your face.

Kristin: I mean, if the goal is to make your eyes look less stressed, thennnnnnn that's one way to accomplish it.

6. Light Energy Pulsation Wrinkle-Reducer Mask ($103.33):

Kristin: This product literally comes with a VHS INSTRUCTION TAPE, so presumably you have to give it to someone else before 7 days is up or else you die.

Chrissy: *prays there's no Amazon review from a dude named Michael Myers*

7. Nose Pore Blocker ($46):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Chrissy: This is like those Groucho Marx nose glasses minus everything fun.

Kristin: I'm no pore doctor, but does this just trap the oil your body naturally makes inside your pores? This feels like a "the call is coming from inside the house" type of situation.

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8. Do-It-Yourself Back Hair Shaver ($34.95):

Amazon / Via amazon.com

Chrissy: A terrible gift for your single friends.

Kristin: ♫ Mow, mow, mow your back/with a giant blade/hope you don't shave off a mole/please don't buy this product ♫

9. Jawline-Enhancing Facial Weights ($29.99):

Kristin: The point of this is to reduce your double chin by...doing some lifts with face weights? I feel like that's like getting thicker hair by enrolling your hair in CrossFit.

Chrissy: Holy shit, is this model being held hostage? IS THIS A CRY FOR HELP?

10. Breast Enhancer Massager ($5.79):

Kristin: How exactly does this make your boobs bigger? By plowing them so that you can plant more boob seeds or something?

Chrissy: Hot tip: If massaging your boobs made them bigger, the entire planet would have DDDs by now.

11. Arm Slimming Shaper ($3.47):

Chrissy: The logic that wearing a random-ass half-sock on your bicep is better than your "unsightly" arm is truly horrifying.

Kristin: I for one am very seduced by blood pressure measuring cups, Chrissy.

12. Eye-Whitening Drops ($21.30):

Kristin: So, do these eye whitening drops also come with a complimentary version of Photoshop?

Chrissy: Finally, a way to look as dead as I feel inside.

Kristin: Or at least like an American Girl doll.

13. Pelvis-Tightening Belt ($43):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Chrissy: It's like a lil' bow for your vag, which TBH is one of the greatest gifts to this world.

Kristin: You're not fooling me, pelvic belt, I know you're sleep Spanx.

14. Forehead Wrinkle Vacuum ($31):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Kristin: Can we stop punishing women for aging? This is basically a scarlet letter for your face, except it's actually a Benjamin Button.

Chrissy: Oh cool, a piece of plastic to suck out all those years of bad decisions.

Kristin: Also, serious question: If it's powerful enough to undo decades of expressing normal human emotion, isn't it also powerful enough to give you a big suction cup mark on your face?

15. Beauty Voice Trainer ($59):

Japan Trend Shop / Via japantrendshop.com

Kristin: This is actually a tool to train your singing voice, which is legit, but it's being marketed her as a "beauty gadget," which, like, we're not here to give you free beautiful concerts all the time, patriarchy.

Chrissy: Because there weren't enough things to make women feel insecure about!

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