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46 Things That Annoy The Ever-Loving Shit Out Of People From Newcastle

Mushy peas are not Geordie guacamole.

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1. When someone says "mate" and they're actually talking about their friend.

2. When someone says "mate" and you're categorically not their mate.

3. Tyne & Wear Metro's insistence on Twitter and Facebook that they're running a good service to all destinations as you wait half an hour stood freezing on the platform.

4. Not getting gravy on your chips.

5. Knowing that the Metro won't get any better for at least another year, and then knowing that it's not going to be a miraculous transformation just because Nexus take back the running of it.

6. Not being certain whether you'll actually be able to get a ticket or will have to vault over the stupid ticket barriers on the Metro.

7. Trying to cross the River Tyne during rush hour.

8. Particularly if there's been an accident.

9. And even more so if once you eventually do cross the river, you can't tell what's caused your delay.

10. The notion that the roads are only going to get even busier.

11. People from outside of Newcastle presuming that you're related to or somehow know Ant or Dec.

12. Or that you'll always be happy to talk to people.

13. Or that you have a Geordie accent, and that they can impersonate it flawlessly.

14. Not being able to get into Old Eldon Square easily anymore.

15. Having to traverse the hordes of goths, punks, and skater kids that congregate around Hippy Green on Saturday afternoons.

16. Largely because you were young once, and you'd like to slyly swill warm lager without a care in the world.

17. The fact that you can't get into Central Station easily anymore, whether on foot or by car.

18. And that you can never tell whether the barriers are going to be up or not.

19. Driving along the Diamond Strip at night without the fear that a drunk person wearing basically no clothes is going to step in front of your car.

20. How busy and expensive The Botanist is.

21. And how Pleased To Meet You is either absolutely rammed or totally empty, and never anything in between.

22. How long a trek it is to get to the Empire Cinema at the top of The Gate.

23. And how rowdy and loud the bottom floor gets on the way out of the cinema.

24. How it's incredibly easy to get by bus to Durham, but it's nigh-on impossible to get back to Newcastle on the same bus at the end of the night.

25. People presuming you know or care about football just because you're from Newcastle.

26. Yet still… Mike Ashley.

27. Jokes about how pease pudding is like northern hummus.

28. And how mushy peas are Geordie guacamole.

29. Students who trudge incredibly slowly along Northumberland Street clarting mops and buckets bought at Wilkinsons.

30. The configuration of the escalators in Fenwick.

31. The repetitive nature of the music played for Fenwick's Christmas window.

32. Seeing the cast of Geordie Shore and knowing that they're only going to set back the perception of the area another 10 years.

33. Knowing someone who has pulled one of the cast of Geordie Shore.

34. Knowing someone from the cast of Geordie Shore.

35. That Newcastle Brown Ale isn't made in Newcastle anymore.

36. And that the Evening Chronicle isn't published in the evening anymore.

37. That because you're from a party city, you're always a party person.

38. Geordie stereotypes of all stripes.

39. The fact that Byker Grove is no longer on our televisions.

40. Sunderland's continued existence.

41. That it's no longer possible to get good Vietnamese food in the centre of Newcastle.

42. In fact, the Bigg Market's gentrification altogether.

43. Travelling on Great North Run weekend.

44. The way your friends who moved down to London now say "No."

45. The price of a pint of beer anywhere else.

46. And the assumption that because you're from "Up North" you can't go see a play, go to a gig, or watch world-class culture every evening of the week.


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