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42 Lessons You'll Learn After Five Years In Newcastle

TL;DR: 24 hour Greggs.

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1. You'll figure out the difference between Geordies and Mackems.

2. And the ability to know when not to aggravate that rift.

3. You'll know that the buses aren't as regular as they are in Manchester or London.

4. But the drivers are friendlier, so you should say thanks to the driver when you step off.

5. You'll learn which side the up escalator is on in Fenwicks, John Lewis, and Debenhams.

6. Until they switch it around. Bastards.

7. You'll gather that you should stay away from Hippy Green on Saturday mornings, unless you want to wade through skater boys and goths.

8. And from The Gate at night, unless you want to become deaf from shrieking drunk people.

9. And Jesmond any time students are around.

10. In fact, you'll learn that Newcastle is a totally different place in summer.

11. You can actually move in bars, for one.

12. And the proportion of shoppers in Jesmond's Tesco Metro wearing pyjamas suddenly drops.

13. People will say they were once in Byker Grove. You shouldn't believe them.

14. Though actually, some of them will have been.

15. If you walk around Jesmond at the right time of day, you might see a CBBC show being filmed.

16. Geordies might smile when you do it, but actually they hate it when you put on an accent.

17. Largely because no matter how good you think your accent is, it's rubbish.

18. Hardly anyone actually says, "Why aye man".

19. Though we do say "wey" in exasperation at tourists who shout out, "Why aye man".

20. Sometimes we'd rather Newcastle didn't have a reputation as a party city.

21. Mainly because we just want to have a drink in a good pub in peace away from hen parties and stag dos.

22. You'll learn to pre-book taxis on weekend nights.

23. Otherwise it'll be a cold, wet walk home.

24. At least once a year there'll be enough rain to flood Northumberland Street.

25. At which point you'll realise that although we don't wear coats on nights out, we do pack umbrellas.

26. Which is perhaps the only reason, in the middle of a torrential downpour, when you need a golf brolly, you'll be thankful for Sport Direct.

27. You'll realise that the north-south divide is felt more keenly by southerners who have never ventured north.

28. And to a lesser extent by northerners who have never ventured south.

29. You'll learn Greggs is the eighth food group.

30. Seriously: You'll know exactly where each one is in Newcastle.

31. And eventually you'll realise that some of them are open 24 hours a day.

32. People born and bred here are allowed to make fun of Newcastle United.

33. Everyone else? Not so much.

34. Also don't bother trying to go anywhere around 3pm on a home matchday. You can't swim against the tide.

35. You'll realise Newcastle is just the hub of a larger area that's easy to reach.

36. And that there's so much to explore.

37. Like the coast.

38. And Northumberland.

39. And Durham.

40. Some of the stereotypes are correct, but some aren't.

41. For example, the city isn't always as friendly as everyone says it is.

42. But most of the time it really is. And you'll miss it every time you leave.