The 13 Stages Of A Drunken Night Out

Drink. Dance. Vom. Repeat.

1. Pre's

This is where it all begins and is normally one of the best parts of the night so don't take it for granted. Downing a couple before you head out with some good music can really get everyone in the mood.

The key is too drink enough that it saves you money at the club, but not so much that the bouncers won't let you in.

2. Walk In Da Club

It's time to be strategic. Your group needs to stake their claim, whether it be a booth, table or space on the dance floor. You need to establish a ground zero and quickly nominate a chump to be designated bag and jacket watcher.

(NB: it's always the sober one!)

3. Things Get Messy

With the music pumping and the alcohol doing it's job, things start to get messy, which means it's time to cut some shapes.

You're at your peak energy wise, which means your dancing is on point. You can almost feel the bass rocking every molecule in your body.

4. Taking A Breather

It's time to catch your breath.

You've danced your heart out, now it's time to sit down and throw back a couple more.

5. The Second Wind

The breather did it's job and now you're feeling good again. Hell, you could probably go another hour or two unless you need a smoke.

Your dancing is now a bit of shuffling, some arm movements and a lot of lyric miming to your friends.

6. The Strategic Vom

You know it's going to happen eventually so why not just get it out of the way now? Time to sneak off to the bathroom for an in and out mission.

Well done, you've just bought yourself another hour of feeling kind of all right.

7. Reassessing You Life

There's a special point in a night when, once you've had enough alcohol, the universe will open up to you and you can clearly see everything you've ever done wrong in your entire life.

It's all so simple now! I need to go to the gym more. And I need to finish learning Spanish. I should call mum more often. I should vacuum my car. Why did I even come out tonight, I don't have any money? That's it, I need to stop getting drunk!

So...shots?

8. The Drama

It's going to happen sooner or later. Every night is destined to have a little bit of drama.

Maybe someone's bitchy ex-girlfriend's is here, or someone's lost their phone in the bathroom, or a pack of guys don't like the way you're dressed and are trying to start something. Either way someone will lose their shit and have to be calmed down so they don't start a fight or storm out. At least it's entertaining.

9. The Third Wind

This is it. You thought you had nothing left but you are suddenly filled with energy. It's like your subconscious knows that it's coming to an end and you've got ot make the most of it.

Dancing now mainly involves swaying and head tilting. You assume you look like a mess so you throw a smile to your friends every now and then, just so they know you're still with it.

10. Time To Move On

Maybe your friend's just been kicked because they're munted or the music has started being shit, but everyone knows that it's time to head.

You down the last drinks, scan the dance floor for some talent one last time and then make a quick exit.

A quick nod to security on your way out always feels good. It means you didn't get kicked out or worse, carried out. My life is really coming together! Night boys!

11. Kebab Time

You know its time for eats when you start to head home but someone says the magic words: "Nah, I'm fucking hungry".

Other possible foods include pizza, pies or even a maccas run. Anything really from a 24 hour place that makes you question exactly when they clean their appliances.

12. The Cab Ride Home

You promised yourself you would get the last train home. Then you said you would definitely get a night rider. But now it's too late unless you wait until 6 a.m. for the next train.

Screw it. Taxi!

13. Bed Time

The night's officially over but the best has been saved for last.

That feeling you get when you first hit your bed. 👌