11 Things That Will Drive A Bartender To Drink

Better make it a double!

1. Customers Who Don't Know What They Want

They've stood in line for five minutes looking annoyed while you served other customers, but when they finally get to the bar they have no idea what they want. Wine, spirits, beer? Hmmmmm...

Give me a moment.

2. The Coke/Pepsi Dilemma

If you have one then there's always someone that wants the other. Heaven forbid they should have to endure such a hardship by not having their favourite cola.

Customer: Just a Coke please.

Bartender: We only have Pepsi.

Customer: What? You don't sell Coke?

Bartender: Let me check. [Doesn't move] No. Only Pepsi.

3. The Overly Involved Customer

They bartended a bit on the side when they were in University twenty years ago so they feel the need to dictate instructions from start to finish. They describe exactly how they want their drink, from the amount of ice to the placement of the garnish.

Thank god you were here, otherwise I would have just made it like I did those six hundred other times.

4. Customers Who Forget Where They Are

When you're at the footy, it's unlikely the bar will be selling Cristal Champagne. Vice versa, a night at the theatre doesn't normally include a couple of stubbies of VB unless you've snuck them in. Maybe consider the venue before acting completely shocked and annoyed that we don't sell that thing you assumed we had.

If only we had some kind of list that had all the beverages we serve on a compact piece of paper. Perhaps placed on the bar. Maybe even with prices. Mmm...one day.

5. One Drink Please

Just a wine.

Just a beer.

Just a soft drink.

Is this your first time out in the world? If so congratulations, you just passed Bar Ordering 101. If not maybe don't make me guess what you want and just tell me. If you order like this, you are a dick.

How much? Just a money.

6. The Out Of Touch Customer

The same drink was $3 cheaper at your local pub on a Tuesday afternoon? A nightclub is more expensive? Wow, you think you're being ripped off? You got me! That $3 goes straight into my pocket! The jig is up!

If only there was some way you didn't have to buy it.

7. The Obscure Alcohol Order

There's always at least one. They tried this really nice pinot noir while backpacking through Italy five years ago and just have to ask if you have it.

No, this pub does not sell it. Cue disappointment.

8. Ordering One Drink At A Time

If you're in a group and start ordering drinks one at a time, the small wooden bar in front of me may not be strong enough to hold me back from smashing through and head butting you!

Double points if every drink is the same. What a coincidence, you also want a vodka soda like your five other friends? Oh boy! I'm so glad you held up my line!

9. The Oblivious Push-In

Standing at the opposite end of the bar to where I'm serving a line of people is not going to get you served any faster. If anything I'm going to ignore you.

I'm also going to ignore you as you slowly slide down the bar towards me making intense eye contact.

Oh sorry, I didn't see you there. There's actually a line.

10. Can't You Fill It To The Top?

No, you paid for that much. That's a standard pour. That's what you get.

Now you're angry? Oh, now I'll definitely fill it up!

11. The Closed Bar Briber

The bar's finished service, the lights are off and now it's time to pack up. Enter angry drunk person, who somehow missed all the last drinks calls, and now demands to be served.

It's 4 a.m., I'm about to finish an 8 hour shift, my feet hurt and I've got to get up early tomorrow. No, that $5 bribe will not convince me to serve you.